What do Monica Lewinski and soda machines have in common?

Both have slots which say 'Insert Bill Here.'

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Clinton, on a stop in Arkansas this week, told a crowd, "There are over a hundred jails in this state, and I'm proud to say that no member of my family has ever been in one of them."

A voice from the back said, "And which one is that ?"

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Bill was recently overheard complimenting Monica's appearance...

What help wanted ad did Monica Lewinski answer?

Be a White House intern and get a taste of the Presidency!

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There's a new Bill Clinton computer coming out soon,

During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute.

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know.

Bill Clinton and Senator Hillary Clinton were at a Yankees game.

Before the game began a secret service man came up to him and whispered in his ear.

President Clinton suddenly picked up Hillary and threw her out on the field.

"The reason it's always so difficult for this president to tell the truth,the whole truth, and nothing but the truth is because it's usually three different stories."

~ Sam Donaldson   

Dear Bill..   

Here are some letters the President has received lately

... Bill, As a fellow Southern Baptist, I can sympathize with your predicament. Although when I was president I merely lusted in my heart, I have to admit that had I served another term, my lust might have broken free and moved down my body. God bless you in this time of trial.

Jimmy Carter

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Dear Bill:

OK, so I'll never be president, but at least Donna Rice was a fox. What's more, I want to say this to the American People. Unlike you I HAD a relationship with that woman!

Gary Hart

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My Dear Chap:

This is a bit of a sticky wicket, but if I were you, I should ask that charming Jay Leno fellow to see you through. Pop onto his show, admit that you made an ass of yourself and all will be forgiven.

Hugh Grant

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Bill: They entrapped me, they framed me, they caught me in a motel with drugs and a prostitute, but I bounced back and so can you!

Mayor Marion Barry

---------------------- Dear Bill:

Look at the bright side. At least you weren't caught wearing Monica's thong underwear. By the way, did you catch my sports show? 'm back on TV for the fall. Marv Albert

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Dear Mr. President:

You may have noticed that I'm not jumping on the impeachment bandwagon. This is a way of showing my gratitude for creating the greatest pick-up line in years, namely that oral copulation doesn't constitute sex.  Just today I have already used it successfully four times and it's not even 10 am yet.

Warm personal regards,

Newt

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Dear Bill: Hang in there, pal! By the way, Kathie Lee sends Hillary her regards and invites her to come on her show anytime.

Frank Gifford

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Dear Mr. President:

Now I'm on the Supreme Court. I'm here for life! And there's nothing anyone can do about it! So there!

Justice Clarence Thomas

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Dear Former Worthy Opponent:

Whoo, Boy! All I can say is, Bob Dole would never have gotten himself into this mess. Not Bob Dole! Not before Viagra, anyway!

Bob Dole

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Dear Mr. President:

I think it's terrible what they are doing to you, and I want you to know that if you need to get away from it all, you're welcome to bring Buddy and stay with me on my Wonderland Ranch for as long as you want. I'll move the Cub Scout Pack to a tent on the lawn and you can have their room.

Michael Jackson

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Dear Fellow Sinner:

Jesus forgives you and so do I.

Rev. Jimmy Swaggart

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Dear Bill:

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.

Jim Bakker

P.S. Jessica sends regards and wants to get together with you sometime.

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Dear Bill:

Next time (if there is a next time), don't let them get you on tape. Big mistake!! With sympathy,

Rob Lowe

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Dear Bill: I know things look bad for you now but take it from me - the American public is very forgiving and one day it will all be just water under the bridge.

Regards,

Senator Edward Kennedy

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Dear Bill:

Things were grim for a while, but now it looks like I might actually manage to marry my darling Camilla, and someday I'll be King! Funny how life turns out. So keep a stiff upper lip! (And relax everything else, haha! And they say I don't have a sense of humor). As we British say, keep your pecker up!

HRH Charles Windsor, Prince of Wales

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Dear Mr. President,

We invite you to be the cover subject of our next issue.

Editor,
Cigar magazine

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Dear Bill:

Congratulations on your election. You are a shining example to us all.  Could you and Hillary join us for dinner next Tuesday?

We plan to invite the Nixons and Agnews as well.

Sincerely,
Ronald Reagan

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Dear Mr. President:
You have taken a big load off my mind. For a long time my conscience had been bothering me but now I can honestly say that I told the truth when I publicly stated that I had never committed adultery.I am truly sorry that your liaisons with Ms. Lewinsky have become such a political hot potatoe but you are still my heroe.

Respectfully,

Senator Dan Quayle   

A Reflection Back on Slick Willy's White House Years

Thank You, Mr. President

I recently saw a bumper sticker that said, "Thank me, I voted for Clinton-Gore" So I sat down and reflected on that and I am sending my "Thank You" for what you have done, specifcally:

1. Thank you for intoducing us to Gennifer Flowers, Paula Jones, Monica Lewinsky, Dolly Kyle Browning, Kathleen Willeu and of course Juanita Broaddrick, who told NBC that you raped her. Are there any others that we should know about?

2. Thank you for teaching our 8 year olds about oral sex. Most of us were waiting until they were 10 to discuss it with them. Now they know more than I did when I was a senior in college. The cigar thing was also great for the kids.

3. Thank you for showing us that sexual harrassment in the work place (especially the White House) and on the job is OK, and all you have to knowis what the meaning of "IS" is. It is really great to know thatcertain sexual acts are not sexand one person may have sex while the other one involved may not have sex. Monica said frequently while you were on the phone, she would work at one end while you were at the other. What productivity!

4. Thank you for reintroducing the concept of impeachment to a new generation and demonstrating that the rediculous plot of the movie "Wag The Dog" could be plausible after all. The people of the Sudan, Afghanistan and Serbia are all running to rent the video, now that you made them part of the story.

5. Thanks for making Jimmy Carter lookcompetent, Gerald Ford look graceful, Richard Nixon look honest, Lyndon Johnson look truthful and John Kennedy look moral.

6. Thank you for the seventy-two house and senate witnesseswho have pleaded the fifth amendment and the seventeen witnesses who have fled the country to avoid testifyingabout Democrat campaign funds raising.

7. Thank you for the nineteen charges, eight convictions, and four imprisionments from the "mess " and the fifty-five criminal charges and thirty-two criminal convictions (so far) in the other Clinton scandals.

8. Thanks for remembering the families of many deceased people who were once your friends, who served you and died so young and suddenly: Vince Foster, Jerry Parks, Ron Brown, Admiral Boorda, Les Aspin, Barbara Alice Wiese, Mary Mahoney, Jim McDougal et al.

9. Thanks for reducing our military by half, "gutting" much of our foreign policy, and for providing no real missle defense system for the American people. Thank you for sharing with our Chinese friends all of our neculear weapon designs, the super computer technology to build such weapons, the ballistic missile , and the encryption technology so they can keep it all a secret too.

10. You are amazing visiting all thoses countries! Thank you for flying all over the world on "vacations" carefully disguised as necessary trips. It's wonderful, too, how you have surpassed every other president in the size of your entourage on these trips: 75 Jumbo jets, 2000 guests to China alone. Your African entourage also was remarkableand it was nice of you to bring Betty Currie. She needed a break from testifying before the Grand Jury.

Please give my regards to Hillary, when/if you see her. Tell her I'm working on a "Thank You" letter for her, now that she is my Senator.

Looking forward to your retirement.

An Anagram, as you all know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase.

PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA It can be rearranged (with no letters left over, and using each letter only once into:

One time Bill Clinton went into the doctor and said something was wrong with his ding a ling. So the doctor inspected it and gave Bill some medicine and sent him on his way.

About 2 weeks later Bill came back and told him the stuff the doctor gave him wasn't working. So the doctor tried something else.

Bill came back 2 weeks after that and said that the stuff the doctor gave him did the trick. Then Bill asked the doctor what the stuff was.

The wife of Tony Blair says in England people call it a gentleman, because it stands up when women are entering.

The wife of Boris Yeltsin says in Russia you call it a patriot, because you never know if it will hit you on the front or on the back side.

The wife of Chirac says in France you call it a curtain, because it goes down after the act.

Wading Across the River

Bill Clinton, Al Gore and George W. Bush died and found themselves standing on the other side of the Jordan River looking across at the Promised Land.

The Archangel Michael was standing on the other side and shouted over to the three surprised Americans, "Contrary to what you have been taught, each of you will have to wade across the Jordan River."

As Michael saw their perplexed looks, he assured them by saying, "Don't worry. You will sink only proportionally, according to your sins on earth. The more you have sinned, the more you will sink into the water."

The three American sages of political lore looked at one another, trying to determine who would be the first brave soul to cross the Jordan River.

Finally, George W. Bush volunteered to go first. Slowly he began to wade out into the river, and slowly the water began to get higher and higher, reaching to his waist. George began to sweat, thinking of all his sins that were coming back to haunt him. He was beginning to wonder if he would ever see the other side. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, he began to emerge on the river's bank.

As he ascended to the other side, he looked behind him to see which one of the other brave souls was going next. A shock of surprise registered on his face, as he saw Al Gore almost in the middle of the river, and the water was only up to his ankles.

He turned to Michael and exclaimed, "I know Al Gore. Al Gore is a friend of mine, and he has sinned much, much more than that!"

Bill Clinton is getting off a helicopter just in front of the White House. 10,000 people are stood outside welcoming the return of Bill from abroad.

Bill has two pigs, one under each arm.

A man in the crowd catches his attention and says, "Nice pigs sir."Bill smiles and says, "These aren't pigs. These are Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Hillary and one for Chelsea."

Dear Abby,
My husband is a lying cheat. He tells me he loves me, but he has cheated our entire marriage. He is a good provider and has many friends and supporters. They know he is a lying cheat, but they just avoid the issue.

He is a hard worker but many of his coworkers are leery of him. Every time he gets caught, he denies it all. Then he admits that he was wrong and begs me to forgive him.

This has been going on for so long, everyone in town knows he is a cheat. I don't know what to do.

Signed,

Frustrated
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Dear Frustrated:
You should dump him.

Birthday 
Monica Lewinsky turns 28 years old!

Top 15 Things Heard Coming From the Oval Office

1.Are you sure that Al Gore started this way?

2.If this gets out, I'll be ruined.

3.If I can't get this out, *I'll* be ruined.

4.If I could convince Hillary to do that just once...

5.Now you know why they call me 'Slick Willie'.

6.You took the job as a White House "in-turn" didn't you? Well, now it's your turn.

7.I knew that a lot of things came across your desk, I just never thought that I would be one of them.

8.Somehow, I don't think that Alan Greenspan would explain inflation *that* way.

9.I've always said, "I want to be a 'hands-on' president."

10.When you asked me to look at the presidential pole, I thoughtyou meant the latest Gallup Survey.

11.I thought that all of those notches in your desk were from Socks sharpening her claws.

12.When you said that you had your finger on the pulse of th nation, this isn't exactly what I thought you meant.

13.Hmmm... "Maybe Chelsea's idea of a sorority slumber party at the White House is a good idea after all...."

14.Is this one of the Presidential duties that you said the Paula Jones trial would interfere with, Mr. President...