A man was reading the paper one day when an ad caught his eye.

It said, brand new porsche: red with white leather interior for sale only 100 dollars.

The man thought to himself its very unusual to find a porsche for sale for only 100 dollars but he decided it was worth a shot.

Sure enough the lady had the porsche for sale for only 100 dollars and it was almost new.

He asked if he could take it for a test drive and found the the car drove perfectly.

He went back to the lady's house and asked why she was selling the car for so little money.

She said my husband ran away with his secretary and said I could keep everything.

Ma and Pa are sitting on the porch swing one evening enjoying the warm breeze and the night sounds. Suddenly, for no reason at all, Ma hauls off and slaps Pa up side the head so hard he falls off the swing.

Dazed, Pa gets up and asks, "What the hell was that for?"

To which Ma replies, "That's for 20 years of bad sex!"

Pa says nothing and gets back on the swing.

About 5 minutes of silence later, he hauls off and slaps Ma up side the head equally hard.

Ma gets up dazed and asks, "What was that for?"

There was an older man who'd married a younger woman. All was going well... except in the bedroom.

He couldn't last long enough to satisfy her.

She said it didn't matter but he knew it was getting her down. So he went to the doctor and asked for help.

The doctor said 'Well, there's one easy solution. Before you have intercourse with your wife, satisfy yourself first, that way you'll last longer when you're with her.'

The next day the man gets a call from his wife while he's at work. In a husky voice she tells him 'I'm going to ravish you when you get home tonight. We're going to have a mammoth sex session.'

The man can't concentrate on work for the rest of the day and finally 5:30 comes round and he's the first out of the office, eager to get back to his wife.

While he's driving he remembers his doctor's advice.

So he pulls over onto a quiet road. But he can't just sit there in his car having a wack, so he decides he'll lie under the car and pretend that he's fixing he car. He crawls under the car, closes his eyes, imagines his wife naked and starts wacking.

After a while he feels something tugging at jeans and this voice says:

'Sir, this is the Police, would you mind telling us what you're doing?' Not wanting to lose this wonderful image of his wife he kept his eyes closed and said to the Policeman:

'I'm just fixing the axle of my car."

The newly-married husband came home from the office to find his young wife in floods of tears.

"Darling, whatever is the matter?" he asks.

"Sweetheart," she sobs, "the most terrible thing has happened! Icooked my very first Beef Bourguignon for you, and I got it out of the oven to season it, and the phone rang. When I came back from answering the phone," she sobbed again, "I found that the cat had eaten it!"

The girl,demanding sex, suggested that he go to his doctor and see what he could do.

The old man went to his doctor and sure enough the doctor had a solution. He had a very expensive shot that could make him have an erection. All he had to do was say "honk" to have an erection and "honk honk" to make it go down.

But he could only use it three times both ways. When the old man got back to his limo he was rather curious. Knowing that he wouldn't have to use it that much longer because he was getting old enough and closer to his final resting place, he said "honk" and it went up. He then said "honk honk" and it went down.

Rather anxious to show his young beautiful wife he got out of the car and proceeded to his mansion. Then suddenly a car honked it's horn and it went up, another car honked twice and it went down.

Worried because he only had one more time to use it he tried run to his mansion. He finally got to his room where she was waiting. He tore off his clothes then hers and said honk.

The 70-year old groom and the 25-year old bride attracted raised eyebrow attention as they checked into the resort hotel.

Next morning at eight sharp, the groom came into the dining room whistling a gay tune, sat down at a table and ordered ham and eggs. The smile on his face and the twinkle in his eye told everybody present that he was happy and confident.

Fifteen minutes later the young bride slowly trudged into the dining room and seated herself across from her 70-year old. Her face was drawn and her voice weak as she ordered toast and coffee.

The groom, now finished, excused himself and strolled into the lobby for his morning cigar.

As the waitress approached with the bride's toast and coffee, she said, "Honey, I don't understand it. Here you a young bride with an old husband, looking like you've encountered a buzz saw."

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating,the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."

The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is
the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... theone that is red and has thorns."

"Do you mean a rose?"

A man returned home from the night shift and went straight up to the bedroom and found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast asleep.

Not to be denied, the horny husband crawled under the sheet and proceeded to make love to her.

Afterward, as he hurried downstairs for something to eat, he was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee. "How'd you get down her so fast?" he asked. "We were just making love!"

"Oh my God," his wife gasped, "That's my mother up there! She came over early and had complained of having a headache.

I told her to lie down for awhile." Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom. "Mother, I can't believe this happened. Why didn't you say something?"

The wife comes home and has $5000 in cash.

When her husband asks, "Where did that come from?" She replies, "I won it in a lottery!"

To which he replies, "That's great! Let's go celebrate."

The next day she comes home with a full-length mink coat.

Again the husband asks, "Where did that come from?"

She says, "I couldn't believe it! Another lottery ticket came through for me!!"

The next day she comes in, looking tired, wearing a two-carat diamond ring.

The husband says, "I know. You won the lottery, right?" She replies, "Why, yes, as a matter of fact, I did. Honey, would you draw me a bath? Please?"

"Sure," he answers.

So, the guy goes in and starts drawing the bath water for his wife. After he gets a quarter inch of water in the bottom of the tub, he turns off the water. "Your tub is ready."

He calls to his wife. She starts to get in the tub and looks at him, dismayed, and asks, "Why is there only a quarter inch of water in here?"

A couple just started their Lamaze class and they were given an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand to give him an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant. The husband stood up and shrugged saying, "This doesn't feel so bad."

The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up.

"You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife would do it?" the husband asked.

"Exactly," replied the instructor.

A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains.

They had registered on Saturday and had not been seen since for 5 days.

An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds. The old man decided to go and see if they were all right.

He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered. The old man asked if they were OK.

"Yes, we're fine." came the reply "We're living on the fruits of love".

An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time in two years.

He shook his wife’s shoulder til she woke up and showed her his enormous boner.

"You see that thing, woman?" he happily exclaimed. "What do you think we ought to do with it?"

This guy was looking at TV as his wife was out cutting the grass during the hot summer (as it should be, right?) and he went out to ask his wife what was for supper.

Well, his old lady was quite irritated about him sitting in the air conditioned house all day, looking at the babes in the tight spandex, doing their exercises, so she shot back at him

"Think of me as dead and do what you would do if I was."

The man went back in the house and fixed him a big steak, potato and a big glass of tea.

She walked in about the time he was finishing up and asked him "So you fixed something to eat?

Where is mine?"

Husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."

The old couple were planning to go on a second honeymoon for their 50th wedding anniversary.

The old woman said, "We will go to all the same places that we did on our first honeymoon."

"Uh huh," said the old man.

"We will do all the things that we did on our first honeymoon," said the old woman.

"Uh huh," said the old man.

"And we will make love like we did on our first honeymoon," said the old woman.

"That's right," said the old man......