Rated G ::

A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study which indicated that men use on the average only 15,000 words a day, where as women use 30,000 words a day.

She thought about this for awhile and then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.

Two men are talking over the telephone..
.
“Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me.

She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night.

She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market.”

“Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically,” remarked his friend.

A man had to attend a large convention in Chicago. On this particular trip he decided to bring his wife.

When they arrived at their hotel and were shown to their room, the man said: "You rest here while I register for the convention - I'll be back within an hour."

The wife lies down on the bed ... just then, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed.

Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more.

Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor.

Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he'll be right up.

The manager (naturally) is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true.

"Look, ... lie here on the bed -- you'll be thrown right to the floor!"

So he lies down next to the wife. Just then the husband walks in. "What," he says, "are you doing here?"

An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy.

They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard.

They searched for days and couldn't find her, So the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat.

It read: Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her very most private part was an oyster and inside there was a pearl worth $ 50,000... please advise.

A husband and wife go visit a marriage counselor.

First, the wife speaks to the counselor alone.

The counselor asks, "You say you've been married 20 years, so what seems to be the problem?"

The wife replies, "It's my husband -- he's driving me crazy! I'm going to leave him if he continues!"

"How does he drive you crazy?"

"For 20 years," she says, "he's been doing these stupid things.

First, whenever we go out, he's always looking at the floor and refuses to go near anyone. It's very embarrassing."

The marriage counselor is amused, "Anything else?"

"He keeps picking his nose all the time! Even in public!"

"Hmm, anything else?"

The wife hesitates, "whenever we're making love, he NEVER lets me be on top! Once in a while, I'd like to be in control!"

"Ah," says the counselor, "I think I'll talk to your husband now."

So the wife goes out of the room and the husband enters.

The counselor tells him, "Your wife says that you've been driving her crazy. She might even leave you."

The husband looks shocked, "WHAT? For 20 years I've been loving and considerate and I've always given her what she wants! What could be the problem?"

The counselor explains, "She says that you've got these habits that are driving her crazy. First, you're always acting strange in public--looking at the floor and never going near anyone else."

The husband looks concerned, "Oh, you don't understand! It's one of the few things my father told me to do on his death bed and I swore I'd obey everything he said."

"What did he say?"

"He said that I should never step on anyone's toes!"

The counselor looks amused, "Actually, that means that you should not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry."

The husband looks sheepish, "Oh. Okay."

The counselor continues, "And you keep picking your nose in public."

"Well, its another thing my father specifically commanded me to do! He told me to always keep my nose clean."

The counselor looks faint, "That means that you should not indulge in any criminal activity."

"Oh," says the husband looking very stupid.

"And finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top during your lovemaking."

"This," says the husband seriously, "is the last thing my father ever commanded me to do, he was on his deathbed when he told me, and it's the most important thing."

"What did he say?"

Already the Mother of two rambunctious boys, the husband was thrilled when the doctor announced they were going to have twins this time.

He told his wife that she should start thinking of names.

"Well, let's see." she said. "We already have Adolph and Rudolph.

Mrs. Foggybottom was reading a letter at breakfast.

Suddenly she looked up suspiciously at her husband.

"Harry," she said, "I've just received a letter from mother saying she isn't accepting our invitation to come and stay, since we do not appear to want her.

What does she mean by that? I asked you to write and say that she was to come at her convenience. You did write, didn't you?"

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.

The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife “Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children.

Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer can not take all that away. But,... I must know, did he have a different father?”

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, confesses “...Yes he did”

The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected.

With a tear in his eye he asks “Who?.. Who was he? Who was the father?”

Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.

A young woman was preparing for her wedding. She asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black negligee and carefully place it in her suitcase so it would not wrinkle. 

Well, Mom forgot until the last minute.

So she dashed out and could only find a short pink nighty.

She bought it and threw it into the suitcase.

After the wedding the bride and groom enter their hotel room.

The groom was a little self-conscious so he asked his new bride to change in the bathroom and promise not to peek while he got ready for bed. 

While she was in the bathroom, the bride opened her suitcase and saw the negligee her mother had thrown in there.

She exclaimed, "Oh no! It's short, pink, and wrinkled!"

Who is it’s Now?

The scene was a tiny mountain village in a remote section of West Virginia.

An old mountaineer and his young wife were getting a divorce in the local court.

But custody of the children was a problem. The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The old mountaineer also wanted custody of the children.

A young couple got married and went away on their honeymoon.

After 2 weeks they came back and finally put away all of the presents they received from friends and family.

Since this was a new home, the process took some time.

The silver went into the closet, items were put on the walls for display and some of the more intimate apparel was put in the bedroom drawers.

A week later, they received in the mail two tickets for a popular show where tickets were impossible to get.

They were very excited and warmed by the gesture of the person who sent this. Inside the envelope, however, was only a small piece of paper with a single line.

"Guess who sent them."

The pair had much fun trying to identify the donor, but failed in the effort.

They went to the theatre, and had a wonderful time.

On their return home late at night, still trying to guess the identity of the unknown host, they found the house stripped of every article of value. And on the bare table in the dining-room was a piece of paper on which was written in the same hand as the enclosure with the tickets:

One night, as a couple retire to bed, the husband turns to his wife and begins caressing her.

"I'm sorry darling," says the wife, "I've got an appointment with the gynecologist tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

The husband, feeling rejected, turns over and tries to sleep.

A few minutes later, he rolls back over and tries his luck again.

This time he whispers in her ear,

Arriving home unexpectedly early from a business trip, the tired executive was shocked to discover his wife in bed with his next door neighbor.

"Since you are in bed with my wife," the furious man shouted, "I'm going over and sleep with yours!"

"His family wasn't too pleased about our engagement," sighed the party girl to her roommate. "In fact, his wife was furious."

*************************************************************************

This old man in his eighty's got up and was putting on his coat.

His wife said, "Where are you going ?"

He said, "I'm going to the doctor."

And she said, "Why? Are you sick?"

"No," he said. "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."

So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater and he said, "Where are you going?"

She said, "I'm going to the doctor too."

He said, "Why?"