As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Lee, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on I75. Please be careful!"

Larry's barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company.
Susan told the insurance company, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money."

The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute, Insurance doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of what was insured and provide you with a new one of comparable worth."

10. He said: I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said: You wear briefs, don't you?

9. She said: What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said: It's not my fault...I ran out of money.

8. He said: Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She said: Well, you succeeded.

7. He said: Two inches more, and I would be king'.
She said: Two inches less, and you'd be queen'

6. On wall in ladies room: "My husband follows me everywhere."
Written just below it: "I do not."

5. He said: Shall we try a different position tonight?"
She said: That's a good idea...you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa.

4. Priest: I don't think you will ever find another man like your late husband.
She said: Who's gonna look?

3. He said: What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said: Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

2. He said: Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

Morris complained to his friend Irving, that love making with his wife was becoming routine and boring.

"Get creative Morris. Break up the monotony. Why don't you try 'playing doctor' for an hour?

That's what I do," said Irving. "Sounds great," Morris replied, "but how do you make it last for an hour?" "

While inspecting their honeymoon suite, the bride discovered a little box attached to the bed.  "What's this for?" she asked her husband.

"If you put a quarter in," he answered, reaching into his pocket," the bed starts vibrating.''

This is the private diary of a Viagra housewife...

Day 1
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it lcame time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.

Day 2
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.

Day 3
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of Nelson's Column and burst into tears.

Day 4
A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his "problem." It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.

Day 5
What absolute bliss!!

Day 6
Isn't life wonderful?! But it's difficult to write while he's doing that.

Day 7
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, have to admit it's very nice - I don't think I've ever been so happy.

Day 8
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker. I'm also getting a bit sore down there.

Day 9
No time to write. He might catch me.

Day 10
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with neat whisky! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over....

Day 11
I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He's a complete pig.

Day 12
I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous...

Day 13
Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill the bastard.

Day 14
I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more horny. Help me!

Day 15
I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to everything I sit on. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more. Last night I told him to go and fuck himself and he did.

Day 16
The bastard has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.

Day 17
Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference...Christ! Here he comes again!

A priest was visiting a couple who had bought a farm and were very unhappy that they didn't have any children.

"Why don't you go to Lourdes and light a candle for your intentions? ", he said. "Perhaps, you will be heard. "

The farmer left immediately for Lourdes.

Five years later, the priest was passing by the farm and saw a little girl playing with twin boys.

He asked her who she was.

" I'm the daughter of the farmer."

"Oh! You're playing with your friends ? "

"Oh, no! These are my twin brothers. "

" And the two little girls on the porch, they're your cousins ? "

"No, they're my sisters ! "

At that moment, the wife of the farmer came out on the porch.

"What a lovely family you have here !", exclaimed the priest. "Your husband must be very happy. By the way, where is he ?

I hope he didn't leave you here all alone, and being pregnant as well ! "

"Oh, yes ! He's on his way to Lourdes."

"Lourdes, what on earth for ? "

One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his family's house: Their four children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his
wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house.

Proceeding into the entry he found an even bigger mess: A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work you ask me what in the world I did today?"

"Yes," was his incredulous reply.

Wife: I just got back from the beauty shop.

For his wifes 40th birthday, Al decided to take his wife to the rodeo.

He had managed to get hold of 2 V.I.P passes that would let them have a guided tour around the bull pens before the start.

Upon arrival Al and his wife were quickly taken to the Stud area to look at the male bulls. The owner was so proud of his stud farm that he used the bulls as an attraction at the rodeo.

At the first pen there was a sign outside saying: "This bull mates 12 times a year." At this Al's wife said, "Wow that's once a month, almost as much as you do darling!"

At the second pen there stood a sign saying: "This bull mates 52 times a year." At this Al's wife said, "Wow that's once a week! Thats good! We should make love more often you know Al."

At the third pen there stood a sign saying: "This bull mates 365 times a year."

Al this Al's wife said, "Oh my god, that's amazing! This bull mates every day! I wish you'd make love to me every day Al!"

Waking after a long nights sleep, a wife begins recounting her dream to her husband. "I dreamt I was at an auction for cocks," she began. "The long ones went for 50 dollars, and the meaty ones for $100."

"How about the ones like mine?" asked her husband

"Oh, they just gave those away," she replied, grinning slyly.

Miffed the husband responds, "Well I had a dream too, they were
auctioning off pussies.

The pretty ones cost $1000,, and the little tight ones went for double that."

"And how much for the ones like mine?" inquired his wife.

A groom passes down the aisle of the church to take his place by the altar and the best man notices the groom has the biggest, brightest smile on his face. The best man says, "Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up? You look so excited!"

The groom replies, "I just had the best blowjob I have ever had in my entire life and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."

Now the bride comes walking down the aisle and she, too, has the biggest, brightest smile on her face. The maid of honor notices this and says, "Hey, girlfriend, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up? You look so excited!"

Eleven years ago a woman about 30, gathered up enough courage to go to her family doctor and express some concern that she had about her husband. 

When she walked into the doctors office, she waited patiently for the doctor to arrive

When she walked in the doctor greeted her with "How are you feeling today?" 

She responded "Its not me with the problem its my husband."
  
The doctor asked "Well whats wrong with him?"

She said "Well, in his somewhat early years of age, he has gone impotent and can no longer have sex with me."

The doctor answered "Its a very easy problem to solve.  I'll just prescibe him a bottle of extra strengh viagra, and when you run out just come back and i'll write you another prescription.

The woman said thank you and left. On her way home she stopped at the pharmacy and the woman picked up her husbands prescription.

When she got home, she showed the bottle of extra strengh viagra to her husband and he became ecstatic, so they ran straight upstairs and decided to take a test run.

It was fantastic!! She couldn't believe it was her husband, she never had it so hard before. They made love every night for a month, and by then they run out of viagra.

The woman got into her car and went to the doctor, who gave her a permanent prescription so she wouldn't have to come back and pay for visits, then she proceeded to go to her pharmicist and get it filled.

On the way home, she was stricken by an idea, she was going to convince her husband to take more then one pill a night. That
night, he took two pills.

It was even better. So the next night he took three, then four then five a night.  He kept taking five for months and months, then years.

Eleven years later, a small boy of about ten walked into the doctors office.  The boy walked in with a very grim and angry face and asked the woman if she was the same doctor who prescribed viagra to a woman for her husband eleven years ago.

The doctor responded positively and then the boys face became even more sour.

Matt and his secretary are having an affair.

They decide to leave the office early one day and go to the secretary's apartment for an afternoon of lovemaking.

They fall asleep and don't wake up until 8PM later that night. They quickly get dressed and the man asks his secretary to take his shoes and go rub them in the grass.

The secretary thinks this is pretty weird, but she does it anyway.

The man finally goes home and his wife meets him at the door. The wife is very upset and asks him where he has been.

The husband replies, "I can not tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. We left work early today, went to her place, made love all afternoon, and then we fell asleep.