A Man went to the doctor and asked the doctor for help. When the doctor saw him, the man said to the doctor, "Doc, I'm begining to believe that my wife is deaf."
"What would make you say that sir." "Well she never answers me when I'm talking to her." "Hmm, I think you should go home tonight and ask her a question, if she doesn't answer you, step 5 feet closer, and continue this untill she does."

So he did as the doctor said. And when he walked into his house he said, "Honey, what are we having for dinner?"

***********************No Answer**************************

He walks 5 feet closer. "Honey, what are we having for dinner?"

**************************No Answer*****************************

He walks 5 feet closer. "Honey what are we having for dinner?"

*************************No Answer*****************************

From 5 feet away he says, "Honey, what are we having for dinner?"

He saw the cookies cooling on the counter and staggered over to them. As he reached for one, his wife's wrinkled hand smacked his and she yelled:

There was this guy that thought his wife was cheating on him.

So one day this guy decided to hire a detective named Chin Lee. Well one day this guy came home from work and found a letter on the counter from Chinn Lee and it said:

Boy come to house. Boy and girl leave house. Boy and girl go to hotel. I follow.
b
Boy and girl go up to hotel room. I climb tree. He kiss she. She kiss he. He undress she. She undress he. He play with she. She play with he. I play with me. I fall down fom tree. No fee.

These 2 parents take their kid to a nude beach.

He sees a woman with huge boobs.

"Dad, how come mommy's aren't that big?"

"Oh,the bigger they are, the stupider the woman is."

He sees a guy with a long dick. "Mommy, how come daddy's isn't that big?"

"Oh, the bigger it is, the dumber the man is.

"Later that day, he runs to his mom and says,"Mommy! Mommy! Daddy's with the stupidest woman on the beach!

Deep Thoughts about Marriage

There was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married and then it was too late.

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished.

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?

Dad: That happens in most countries, son.

A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the wife takes.

Three rings: Engagement ring, Wedding ring, Suffering.

When a newly married man looks happy we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy - we wonder why.

Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."

It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.

A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes.

A woman was telling her friend , "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him." Asked the friend. The woman replied, " A multi-millionaire".

Getting married is very much like going to a continental restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence- a life sentence!!!

Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.

Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.

Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and TWO under the man's eyes.

Marriage certificate is just another name for a work permit.

It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.

There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.

Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defense.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Before marriage, a man 'yearns' for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.

A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then says, "OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death."

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not torreport it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

Her husband has been slipping in and out of a coma for several months yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When
my business fell, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. When I think about it now, I think you bring me bad luck!"

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Marriage is grand -- and divorce is about 10 grand.

This guy goes to a party without his wife. He hears this other guy say to his wife "Pass the sugar, Honey." and "Pass the honey, Sugar." He thinks this sort of speech is a good idea. So,the morning when he and his wife are eating breakfast, he says to his wife, "Pass the bacon, Pig."

A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They have sex for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation...

(She is speaking in a cheery voice) "Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrifiic. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh" she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

Doris and Fred had started their retirement years and decided to raise some extra cash by advertising for a lodger in their terrace house.

After a few days, a young attractive woman applied for the room and explained that she was a model working in a near-by city center studio for a few weeks and that she would like the room from Mondays to Thursdays, but would pay for the whole week.

Doris showed her the house and they agreed to start straight away. "There's just one problem, "explained the model."Because of my job, I have to have a bath every night, and I notice you don't have a bath."

"That's not a problem," replied Doris. "We have a tin bath out in the yard and we bring it into the living room in front of the fire and fill it with hot water." "What about your husband? asked the model.

"Oh, he plays darts most weekdays, so he will be out in the evenings," replied Doris.

"Good," said the model. "Now that that's been settled, I'll go to the studio and see you tonight."

That evening, Fred dutifully went to his darts match while Doris prepared the bath for the model. After stripping off, the model stepped into the bath.

Doris was amazed to see that she had no pubic hair. The model noticed Doris' staring eyes, so she smiled and explained that it is part of her job to shave herself, especially when modeling swimmer or underclothes.

Later when Fred returned, Doris related this oddity and he does not believe her. "It's true, I tell you!" said Doris. "Look, if you don't believe me, tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly open and you can peek in and see for yourself."

The next night, Fred left as usual and Doris prepared the bath for the model. As the model stepped naked into the bath, Doris stood behind her. Doris looked towards the curtains and pointed towards the model's naked pubic Area. Then she lifted up her skirt and wearing no panties, pointed to her own hairy mass.

2 eggs on their honeymoon       

Two eggs had just got married and were on their honeymoon.

Mrs.egg said she was just going to slip into something more comfortable, so Mr.egg decided to get undressed and jump into bed.

She came out looking dazzling and they began to kiss passionately on the bed.

Things started getting a little heated, and Mr.egg suddenly started to get all nervous, looking upwards and covering his head with his hands. '

"So let me get this straight," the prosecutor says to the defendant, "you came home from work early and found your wife in bed with a strange man."

"That's correct," says the defendant.

"Upon which," continues the prosecutor, "you take out a pistol and shoot your wife, killing her."

"That's correct," says the defendant.

"Then my question to you is, why did you shoot your wife and not her lover?" asked the prosecutor.

One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving when the kid he hired to mow his lawn, a local kid named Bubba, comes in to pee.

The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is.

He can't help himself, and asks Bubba what his secret is. "Well," says Bubba, "every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my penis on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!"

The husband was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night.

So before climbing into bed with his wife, he took out his penis and whacked it three times on the bedpost.

A couple, who had been married for years, were making love.

He asked, "Dear, am I hurting you?"

"No," she replied. "But why do you ask?" "

A math teacher and his wife were both 54 years old.

One evening the wife came home and found a note from her husband. It said: ''My dear, you are 54 years old and there are some things you are not giving me, so I am at the Holiday Inn with my 18-year-old student. Don't bother waiting up for me.''

There were these two old people in a restaurant.

They were sitting there talking when the old husband said, "Hey honey, you remember when we first had sex? It was behind your old barn by the fence."

"Yes I remember," she said" I was thinking," said the old guy "how about me and you going back out to that place and doing it again?"

She thought about it for a minute and agreed.

A younger man was sitting at the table beside them and was eaves dropping on their conversation and decided he had to see these two old people in there 80's get it on by an old barn next to a fence.

So when they got up and left he followed.

The couple went down to the old barn and took off there clothes and the guy peeked around a tree and watched. The couple started going at it vigorously. He went after her like there was no tomorrow.

The guy was amazed. They kept going for about 45 min,then lay on the ground tired out. After about 15 min they got upand got there clothes on.

The guy standing there decided to ask the couple how they go such a long time at there age.

So as the couple approaches the guy asks, "How do you go so long like that, I mean you've gotta be at least 80 something."

After hearing a couple's complaints that their intimate life wasn't what it used to be, the sex counselor suggested they vary their position.

"For example," he said, "you might try the wheelbarrow... Lift her legs, penetrate, and off you go!"

The eager husband was all for trying this new idea as soon as they got home.