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Author
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Topic: Husbands & Wives
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 07-29-2008 08:45 AM
Rated R ![[Eek!]](eek.gif) Jokester
Caught Cheating
A man returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport after midnight, and while en route to his home, asked the driver if he would be a witness, as he suspected his wife was having an affair, and expected to catch her in the act. The driver agreed, and they both tiptoed into the bedroom, turned on the lights pulled the blanket back and found the wife in bed with another man.
The husband put his gun to the man's head, and the wife shouted, "Don't do it, this man has been very generous. Who do you think paid for the Corvette I said I bought for you, who do you think paid for our new boat, he did!"
The husband looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do in a case like this?"
The cabbie smiled, and said, "I'd cover him up before he catches cold." ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 08-17-2008 07:44 AM
Rated R ![[Smile]](smile.gif) Jokester
Cremated Husband
Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.
Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the Patio table. Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him....
"Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"
She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, "Herman, remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"
Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, "Herman, that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!"
Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said, "Herman, remember that blow job I promised you?" "Here it comes"
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 08-17-2008 07:46 AM
Rated PG Jokester
Husband Wanted
A Rich Old Bitty, aged 65, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED, MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (60's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs.
The woman said, You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs!
The old man smiled, Therefore I cannot run around on you!
She snorted. You don't have any hands either!
Again the old man smiled, Nor can I beat you!
She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. Are you still good in bed?
With that, the old gentleman beamed a broad smile and said, I rang the doorbell didn't I?
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 08-17-2008 07:49 AM
Rated R Jokester
Diary Of A Mad Housewife
Dear Diary:
Day 1
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.
Day 2
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, gimme a break. He's been dysfunctional for so long that he even walks with a limp.
Day 3
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of the Washington Monument and burst into tears.
Day 4
A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his 'problem.' It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. He said, 'this time, I'd rather not have your mother join us.' I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.
Day 7
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. Get over yourself! Not everything is about you!
Day 8
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker.
Day 10
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with hard cider! The photo of Janet Reno isn't working. What am I gonna do?
Day 11
The side effects are starting to get to him. Everything is turning blue. The other day, we were watching Kenneth Branaugh in Hamlet and he thought it was The Smurfs Do Denmark.
Day 12
I'm basically being drilled to death. It's like going out with a Black and Decker power tool.
Day 13
I wish he was gay. I bought 400 Liza Minelli albums and I keep saying 'fabulous,' and still he keeps coming after me!
Day 14
Now I know how Saddam Hussein's wife feels. Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. Let's hope he's not like ex-President Bush and takes 100 days to pull out!
Day 15
I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun. Now he tells me sister Wendy revs his motor.
Day 16
I may just have to kill him. Then he'll go out the way he wants to... stiff! With my luck, I won't be able to close the casket.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 10-12-2008 10:29 AM
Rated G Hank in Sime Valley
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip. When leaving,the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving about forty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around,in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.
All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute. To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car,and hurried inside to
retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her,'While you're in there,you might as well get my hat and the credit card.'
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 10-21-2008 12:17 PM
Rated G Jokster
You’re All Wet!
Molly arrives home quite late one night and says to her worried husband, "Sorry I'm late. I had to come home by train, as I couldn't get my car to start. But I'm sure I know why."
"So what's the problem then, my mechanical engineer of a wife?" asks her husband.
"I think there's water in the carburetor," replies Molly.
"How on earth can you know that?" says the husband. "You don't even know how to open the hood or to change the time on the car's clock yet alone know where the carburetor is."
"Maybe so," says Molly, "but I still think there's water in it."
The husband then says, "OK, I'll go along with you. Let's check it out right now. Where did you leave the car?"
Molly replies, "In the lake!"
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 11-19-2008 03:06 PM
Rated PG
The Italian Secret of a Long Marriage
At Saint Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly husband's only marriage seminar. At the session last week, the Priest asked Luigi, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Luigi replied to the assembled husbands, "Wella, I've a-tried to treat-a her nizza, spenda money on her, but besta of all is that I tooka her to Italy for the 20th anniversary!"
The Priest responded "Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th Anniversary." Luigi proudly replied, "I'm agonna go get her."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 11-19-2008 03:31 PM
Rated PG Jokester
The Wong Family
Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wong's have a new baby.
The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely Caucasian, white baby boy.
"Congratulations," says the nurse to the new parents.
"Well Mr.Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?"
The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, "well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I tink we name him Sum Ting Wong.
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John Wilson
Film God
Posts: 5438
From: Sydney, Australia.
Registered: Dec 1999
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posted 02-11-2009 02:54 AM
Rated
-----------------
A man's wife goes missing whilst diving off the West Australian coast.
He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night
wondering what could have happened to her.
Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a
couple of policemen, an old sergeant and a younger constable.
The sergeant says, "Sir, we have some news for you about your wife---
some really bad news, some good news and maybe some more good news".
"Well," says the man, fearing the worse, "I guess I'll hear the bad news
first?"
The sergeant says, "I'm really sorry sir but your wife is dead. The
young constable here found her in about five metres of water, wedged in
the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up but sadly she
was long gone from this world."
The man was terribly distressed at hearing this. But after a few minutes
he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.
The sergeant says, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few
really good-sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so
we've brought you your share." The sergeant hands the man a large
fishing bag with two crays and five large crabs in it.
"Geez thanks, they're bloody beauties." sniffs the man, "So what's the
other possible good news?"
"Well," the sergeant says, "if you fancy a quick trip, me and the
constable get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot out
there and pull her up again."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 03-26-2009 07:10 AM
Rated G
A very wealthy philanthropist died recently. He had funded museums, the arts, colleges and his church with large sums over the years. His minister was speaking to the son and asked what his last words were so he could use them in the eulogy he was going to deliver at the funeral service. The son said "he had no last words." The minister replied, "he must have said something, he was a bright caring individual and I want to use his last words as an inspiration for others, what where they?" Again the son answered "He had no last words."
"Nonsense" said the minister, please tell me, what were his last words?" The son replied, "he had no last words, mother was with him to the very end."
MEMORIAL STONE
Sam died. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife Sarah turned to her oldest and dearest friend. "Well, I'm sure Sam would be pleased," she said. "I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?" "All of it," said Sarah. "Thirty thousand." "No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?" Sarah answered, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the synagogue. The whiskey, wine and snacks were another $500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone." Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a Memorial Stone? My God, how big is it?"
"Two and a half carats."
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Gordon Bachlund
Jedi Master Film Handler
Posts: 696
From: Monrovia, CA, USA
Registered: Aug 1999
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posted 09-03-2010 01:19 PM
Rated PG...
At a fine restaurant a man and woman were dining, gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands. Their waitress, taking an order at another table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, while the woman acted unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table, and still, the woman appeared calm and unruffled, seemingly unaware her dining companion had disappeared.
The waitress went over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't, he just walked in."
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