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Author Topic: Husbands & Wives Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-16-2008 11:49 AM                        Rated G Lorraine QUESTION: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband? ANSWER: Tell him you're pregnant.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-17-2008 08:53 AM                        Rated G Jokester A husband looking through the paper came upon a study that said women use more words than men. It read, "Men use about 15,000 words per day, but women use 30,000." Excited to prove to his wife that he had been right all along when he accused her of talking too much, he showed her the study results. The wife thought for a while, then finally she said to her husband, "It's because we have to repeat everything we say." The husband said, "What?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-20-2008 06:52 AM                        Rated G Betsy My husband and another professor were chatting after a conference when a dazzling, bright-red convertible roared to a stop at the curb. My husband's cohort recognized the driver, a fellow faculty member in his mid-to-late 40s, and complimented him on his car. "Thanks." the man responded. "My wife calls it my mid-life Chrysler.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-22-2008 04:18 PM                        Rated G Jokester Wise Counsel? Two men are out ice fishing at their favorite fishing hole, just fishing quietly and drinking beer. Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Rick says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months." Dave continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says, "You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-24-2008 09:22 AM                        Rated G Elaine As I sat thinking about an upcoming birthday, I turned to my husband and asked how he would define middle age. Without taking his eyes off the TV, he responded, "It's a time when action creaks louder than words."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-24-2008 09:24 AM                        Rated G Charles "Do you know what I just heard?" said my husband, Raymond, looking up from the television. "Researchers in Brazil have discovered a new use for coffee. They've figured out a way to use the beans to make bio-fuel." He paused. "I guess that means someday we'll pull up to the gas pump and have to choose between regular and decaf."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-24-2008 03:14 PM                        Rated G Lorraine When my wife, Sonya, and I were having dinner at her parents' house, her mother complained about the extra weight she had gained. My father-in-law gallantly said, "You should put on a little extra weight as you grow older so that, if something happens, you have it to fall back on." Sonya eyed her father's paunch. "Apparently," she said, "you're expecting to fall forward."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-24-2008 03:15 PM                        Rated G Lorraine Mary was married to a male chauvinist. They both worked full time, but he never did anything around the house and certainly not any housework. That, he declared, was "woman's work!" One evening Mary arrived home from work to find the children bathed, a load of wash in the washing machine and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove and a beautifully set table, complete with flowers. She was astonished, and immediately wanted to know what was going on. It turned out that Charley, her husband, had read a magazine article that suggested working wives would be more romantically inclined if they weren't so tired from having to do all the housework, in addition to holding down a full-time job. The next day, she couldn't wait to tell her girlfriends at the office. "How did it work out?" they asked. "Well, it was a great dinner," Mary said. "Charley even cleaned up, helped the kids with their homework, folded the laundry and put everything away. I really enjoyed my evening." "But what about afterward?" her friends wanted to know. "It didn't work out," Mary said. "Charley was too tired." [ 07-08-2008, 03:20 PM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-08-2008 03:22 PM                        Rated G TheWhiteRabbit An angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar. “I assume,” she snarled, “that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o’clock in the morning?” “There is,” he replied. “Breakfast.”  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-17-2008 07:50 AM                        Rated G Marty I live for baseball. But I had to go to work during an important game, so I asked my wife to tape it for me. After I left the office, I flew through our front door, bursting with anticipation. "Don't tell me the score!" I yelled to her. "I don't know the score." she assured me. "All I know is that your team lost." [ 07-29-2008, 08:34 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-29-2008 08:35 AM                        Rated R Jokster A lonely wife brought a man she had just met at a bar home to her bedroom one evening when she thought her husband was out of town. They immediately tore each other's clothes off and started going at it. She sat up quickly in bed as she heard the key in the lock. "Quick!" she said to the man, "it's my husband! You've got to get out of here quick!" "Where's the back door?" the man asked as he grabbed his clothes. "There isn't one," she replied. "Where would you like one?" he asked.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-29-2008 08:37 AM                        Rated R Jokster The husband was angry when he found out that his wife had been cheating on him. He shouts at her, "I will play second fiddle to no one!" The wife replies, "Second fiddle? With your little flute you are lucky you are still in the band!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-29-2008 08:39 AM                        Rated G Jokster Anger Management HUSBAND: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger? WIFE : I clean the toilet.... HUSBAND: How does that help ? WIFE : I use your toothbrush.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-29-2008 08:40 AM                        Rated G Jokester A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor." "Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell." "My dear," the doctor said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is." "The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-29-2008 08:42 AM                        Rated G Jokester Divorce Court "Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week." "That's very generous, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."  |  IP: Logged

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