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Author Topic: Husbands & Wives Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-23-2008 08:23 AM                        Rated XXX Larry gets home late one night and, Kitty, his wife says, "Where in the hell have you been?" Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo." "A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?" "I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly. "What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disgust. "Why on earth would a retired person get a hundred dollar bill tattooed On his privates?" "Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay Right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want." Larry is recovering in room 233 at the local hospital.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-24-2008 08:14 AM                        Rated G Gerry After she spent the entire dinner correcting my young son's table manners, I turned to my wife and said, "Will the training never end?" "A boy's training never ends," she replied. "He just marries and his wife gets the job. And, please, stop talking with food in your mouth."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-24-2008 08:20 AM                        Rated G cutie pa2ti My wife has been great. In just three years of marriage, she's gotten me to stop drinking and stop smoking, taught me how to dress well, how to enjoy music and painting and fine literature, how to cook gourmet meals, and how to have confidence in myself. So I'm getting a divorce. Frankly, she just isn't good enough for me.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-24-2008 02:04 PM                        Rated G cutie pa2ti Wife: You know, that young couple next door are so sweet. Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes home, he brings her a dozen roses. Now, why can't you do that? Husband: I don't even know her.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-25-2008 06:18 PM                        Rated G Ken REASON NO. 4 WHY GUYS DON'T WRITE ADVICE COLUMNS Dear Abie, The other day, I set off for work, leaving my husband in the house watching TV. I hadn't gone more than a kilometre or two when my engine conked out, and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home only to find my husband making love to our neighbour. My husband was let go from his job six months ago, and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but I don't know if I can trust him anymore. What should I do? Sincerely, Frustrated Dear Frustrated, A car stalling can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Check for debris in the fuel line. If it's clear, check the "jubilee" clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. Or maybe the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber. I hope this helps.  |  IP: Logged Frank Jerkic Film Handler Posts: 77 From: Ayr Queensland Australia Registered: May 2004 posted 04-27-2008 03:27 AM                        A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the Head with a frying pan. 'What was that for?' the man asked. The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'. The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on' The wife apologized and went on with the housework. Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again. Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'  |  IP: Logged Frank Jerkic Film Handler Posts: 77 From: Ayr Queensland Australia Registered: May 2004 posted 04-27-2008 03:34 AM                         |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-27-2008 08:19 PM                        Rated PG Jokester Adorable Kittens One night Jerry brought home a dozen red roses to his wife. "How lovely, Dear," she said. "What's the occasion?" "I want to make love to you," he said simply. "Not tonight, Dear. I have a headache," answered his wife. The next night Jerry came home with a big box of chocolates and explained that he wanted to make love with her. "I'm awfully tired, Honey," said his wife. "Not tonight." Every night for a week Jerry brought home something, but each time his wife's answer was no. Finally he came home with six black kittens with little red bows around their necks and handed them to his wife. "How adorable, Jerry!" she exclaimed. "But what are they for?" The husband replied, "These are six little pallbearers for your dead pussy."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-27-2008 08:30 PM                        Rated R Jokester Six Feet Marge was in bed with a man (not her husband). All of a sudden, they heard a noise downstairs. "Oh, my God, your husband is home! What am I going to do?" "Just stay in bed with me. He's probably so drunk, he ain't gonna notice you here with me." The fear of getting caught trying to escape was more powerful than the thought of getting caught in bed with Marge, so he trusted her advice. Sure enough, Marge's husband came crawling into bed and as he pulled the covers over him, he pulled the blankets, exposing six feet. "Honey!" he yelled. "What the hell is going on? I see six feet at the end of the bed!" "Dear, you're so drunk, you can't count. If you don't believe me, count them again." Honey!" he yelled. "What the hell is going on? I see six feet at the end of the bed!" "Dear, you're so drunk, you can't count. If you don't believe me, count them again." The husband got out of bed, and counted. "One, two, three, four... By gosh, you're right, dear!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-27-2008 08:34 PM                        Rated G Jokester A business man packing for a trip glances in his briefcase. "Honey?" "Yes, darling?" "Honey," he says, in mild exasperation, "why do you persist in putting a condom in my briefcase every time I go on a trip? You know I only have eyes for you. I'd never be unfaithful." "Oh, I know, darling, and I trust you," she replies sweetly. "It's just that, well you know, with all those terrible diseases out there, it would make me feel better to know that if any- thing did happen, you'd be protected. So please, darling, take it with you, won't you? For my peace of mind?" "Oh, alright, if you put it that way," he relented. "I'll do it for you. But for safety's sake, give me more than one."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-01-2008 09:06 AM                        Rated G Jokester Wife's Birthday Bill meets Doug shopping at the mall and sees he has a small gift wrapped box. "It's my wife's birthday tomorrow." Doug said. "Last week I asked her what she wanted for her birthday." "And???" Bill asked. "Well, she said 'Oh, I don't know just give me something with diamonds in it'." "So what did you get her?" asked Bill. "I bought her a deck of cards!!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-01-2008 09:10 AM                        Rated G Jokester Tackle box Lures On her 15th birthday, my daughter opened a package from her mom and her sisters. Out came a beauty case containing many samples of makeup. "Neat!" I exclaimed. "Your own tackle box!" My wife calmly explained that it was NOT a tackle box; it was a beauty kit. My daughter proceeded to open it up and show us all the mascara, eye shadow, rouge, and other cosmetics. At this point I leaned over to my wife and whispered, "I told you it was a tackle box. Just look at all those lures."  |  IP: Logged Mike Olpin Chop Chop! Posts: 1852 From: Dallas, TX Registered: Jan 2002 posted 05-19-2008 01:25 PM                     Rated R Evil Jessie via MySpace The rich man says, "I bought my wife a diamond ring and a BMW so that if she doesn't like the ring she can drive it back to the store." The poor man says, "I bought my wife a pair of slippers and a dildo so that if she doesn't like the slippers she can go fuck herself!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-16-2008 10:03 AM                        Rated G Lorraine The caterer was consulting with a woman about throwing a birthday party for her 75-year-old husband. "Is it a surprise?" the caterer asked. "Oh, no," answered the woman. "My husband knows he's going to be 75."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-16-2008 10:33 AM                        Rated G Lorraine A few months before his marriage to Elizabeth Barrett Browning, Robert Browning, while working in his library one day, engaged in a curious act of divination: "'What will be the extent of my love for her [Elizabeth Barrett Browning]?' he questioned the first book that fell under his hand, opening it at a random passage. The volume, of all inauspicious ones, turned out to be Cerutti's Italian Grammar. "He hoped he might come upon a word like 'conjunction' or at least a possessive pronoun. To his amazement his eyes lighted upon the sentence in an exercise for translation: "'If we love in the other world as we do in this, I shall love thee to eternity.'"  |  IP: Logged

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