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Author Topic: Husbands & Wives Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-27-2003 02:02 PM                        Rated G Captain Silver "Is there a woman here in need of assistance?" asked the medic from the ambulance as he knocked on the door. "Yes." replied the man opening the door. "It's my wife. She has an electric vibrator lodged in her." "Well, we'll have to transport her to the hospital." the medic replied."Those things can be tricky to remove." "Never mind." said the husband. "We have an HMO which doesn't allow Emergency Room visits except for life threatening incidents. But for now, could you at least turn it off ? It's interfering with the TV."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-27-2003 02:07 PM                        Rated G "Half of all marriages end in divorce. That's not as bad as it sounds. The other half end in death."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-27-2003 02:27 PM                        Rated G "Honey..."the wife said. "I think I'm going to the doctor to see if he can find out why I'm so dull and listless." "Great idea !!!" the husband replied. "And once he gets your sex drive all straightened out,see if he can figure out why you've been moping around lately."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-27-2003 02:29 PM                        Rated G The divorce court was attentive as the wife complained to the Judge that her husband had left her bed and board. When she had finished,the husband's lawyer rose to his feet and coolly replied, "Your Honor, I have a slight correction in the typing of the charging documents. My client claims that he left her bed 'bored'."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-27-2003 02:30 PM                        Rated G Q: "Are you married ?" A: "No, I'm divorced." Q: "And what did your husband do before you divorced him ?" A: "A lot of things I didn't know about."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-27-2003 02:36 PM                        Rated G One day wife asked her husband what will he do if she will die. The husband replied, "I'll also die." When his wife asked him, "Why?", he said that he is a heart patient & cannot tolerate lot of happiness.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-27-2003 02:49 PM                        Rated G An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck." Angrily,he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked. "To get my teeth!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-02-2003 06:31 AM                        Rated G At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-02-2003 06:32 AM                        Rated PG Getting married is very much like going to a continental restaurant with friends. You order what you want,then when you see what the other fellow has,you wish you had ordered that.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-02-2003 06:38 AM                        Rated G Man is incomplete until he is married.Then he is really finished. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-03-2003 08:19 AM                        Rated G Application From a Husband to his Wife to go out with his friends. 1) Where are you going? -------------------------- 2) With who/whom are you going with? ------------- 3) What will you be eating or drinking? ---------- 4)What time will you be back? -------------------- Application From a Wife to her Husband to go out with her friends. Honey I am Going out.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-07-2003 07:59 AM                        Rated G *** F I A S C O *** As the bridegroom wakes up the morning after their wedding night,he finds his bride already sitting at the table,bent over a piece of paper. As she sees that her spouse is awake,she asks him: "Fiasco, how do you spell that? With c or with k?" - He : "Why do you ask?" - She :"O, just so , I'm writing a letter to my mother..."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-08-2003 04:29 PM                        Rated G Suddenly widowed, Nina instructed the undertaker to select for her old man the very best casket and accoutrements. Cost was no concern. But when she got the bill for $25,000, Nina was furious. "But dear lady," the undert! aker exclaimed, you asked us to give your husband the very best of burials and that is what we did". "Look," Nina fumed, "for $5,000 more I could have had him buried in a Cadillac!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-08-2003 04:49 PM                        Rated X Dante wrote me that he and his wife had wakened to a commotion. Turns out their next door neighbor's boyfriend had . . . well, wife. And the wife was causing a nice little incident. Dante was jokingly defending the man, explaining that in some rare cases, a severe physical trauma can cause a man to actually forget that he's married. Dante's wife responded quickly, "Yeah, like a hard blow to the dick."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-08-2003 06:40 PM                        Rated G My husband and I were touring our friends' new home.Mr. and Mrs. Harry Carter had put special touches everywhere.In the bathroom, my husband leaned over to me and whispered, "They even have monogrammed faucets." [ 07-09-2003, 07:01 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]  |  IP: Logged

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