Husband to wife:

A man says to his wife on their wedding night,"Are you sure I am
the first man you have slept with."

Way down in dat old swamp known as Louisiana, Boudreaux's old lady's been pregnant for some time, and now her time had come. So, he brought her to the doctor, and the doctor began to deliver the baby.

She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Boudreaux and said, Hey, Boudreaux, you just had you a son! Aint dat just grand"?

Boudreaux got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, "Hold on! We ain't finished up yet!"

The doctor then delivered a little girl.

He said, "Hey, Boudreaux! You got you a daughter! She a pretty lil ting, too."

Boudreaux was kind of puzzled by all this, and then the doctor said, "Hold on, we still ain't got done yet!"

The doctor then delivered another boy and said, " Boudreaux, you just had youself another boy!"

When Boudreaux and Marie went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said, "Mama, you remember dat night what we runned out of dat dere Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil?"

She said, "Yeah, I do."

Once again, miscommunication between women and men

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.

"We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball.......... stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?", asks the doctor.

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:

"Hello?" "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

"Ummm, yes."

"Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are and I just saw this beautiful mink coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it, please?"

"What's the price?"

"Only $15,000.00."

"Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..."

"Ahhh..... and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the brand new 2001 models. I saw one I really liked and spoke with the salesman. He gave me a really good price. Since we really need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year........."

"What price did he quote you?"

"Only $60,000..
.
" Well, OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

"Great! But before we hang up, just one more thing......"

"What's that ?"

"Now this might look like a little bit much, but I was
reconciling your bank account ...... ummm...... well, I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw that house we had looked at last year. It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property..."

"So, how much are they asking?"

"Only $850,000 a magnificent price..... I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..."

"Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $820,000. OK?"

"OK, sweetie...Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"

"Bye...I do too..."

The man hangs up while slowly shaking his head and closes the phone's flap. Then he holds the phone up and asks to all those present:

My husband and I had a really nice wedding. We have a mixed marriage. I'm Jewish and he ain't.

For my family, he crushed a beer can under his foot.

For his family, I pretended I was a virgin.

A few years back.... I was holding my 9 month old nephew and he kept grabbing at my nose. My husband, thinking he was being funny, said, "Well Honey, babies grab the biggest thing they see!"

A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a relaxing dinner with his wife, they retire to their twin beds.

However, the man was not yet ready to slumber, and called over to his wife.

"My little boopey-boo, I'm lonely."

So the woman gets out of bed and crosses the room to the husband. On the way, she trips on the carpet and falls on her face.

The husband, with a concerned look on his face says, "Oh, did my little honey-bunny fall on her little nosey-wosey?"

The woman just smiles, gets up and enters hubby's bed. The two have passionate sex, and afterwards the woman rolls out.

As she is returning to her bed, she once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls flat on her face.

A newly wedded couple promised that they would never lie to each other.

The husband had the hots for his female secretary who showed equal interest.

One day he fucked his sexy secretary (doggy style) all day long at office.

On reaching home late at night, he was feeling a little nervous as he loved his wife and didnt want to lie to her.

His wife asked him sweetly"How was your day darling? Must have worked hard ".

"That bastard husband of mine wanted me to sleep with the landlord because he lost the rent money playing poker," the housewife told a neighbor.

"You didn't do it, did you?" the neighbor asked.

The husband says to his wife, "You always carry my photo in your
handbag to the office. Why?"

She says, "When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I
look at your picture and the problem disappears."

He smirks and replies, "You see, how miraculous and powerful I am
for you?"

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower,

"Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight."

Bob needed to call home to tell his family that he'd be running late, but the only pay phone he could find nearby was in use by another man. So, he stood to the side and waited until it was free, thinking it would only be a couple of minutes.

Five minutes went by, and still the man was on the phone. He was just standing there holding the phone to his ear but not saying a word.

Ten minutes later, he still wasn't talking... fifteen minutes later... he still wasn't talking.

Finally, Bob got impatient and tapped the man on the shoulder and asked if he could use the telephone, saying, "I really won't be long and I really need to make a short but important call."

"Hold your horses," responded the man using the pay phone, covering the receiver, "I'm talking to my wife!"

In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.