Wife: Okay, today's Friday. Where's your pay envelope?

Man: I already spent all my pay. I bought something for the house.

Wife: What? What could you buy for the house that cost $480?

"So, what's the matter?" asked one woman of her friend over coffee.

"I thought you just got back from a nice relaxing fishing trip with your husband."

"Oh, everything went wrong," the second woman answered.

"First, he said I talked so loud I would scare the fish.Then he said I was using the wrong bait; and then that I was reeling in too soon."

The young bride approached her awaiting husband on their wedding night and demanded $20 for their first love-making encounter.

In his highly aroused state, he readily agreed.This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next 30 years, him thinking it was a cute way for her to buy new clothes, etc.

Arriving home around noon one day, she found her husband in a very drunken state. Over the next few minutes she heard of the ravages of financial ruin caused by corporate down sizing and it's effects on a 50 year old executive.

Calmly, she handed him a bank book showing deposits and interest for 12 years totaling nearly $1 million dollars. Pointing across the parking lot she gestured toward the local bank while handing him stock certificates worth nearly $2 million dollars and informing him that he was the largest stockholder in the bank.

She told him that for 30 years she had charged him each time they had sex, this was the result of her investments.

By now he was distraught and beating his head against the side of the car. She asked him why the disappointment at such good news and he replied:

John asks his wife, Mary, what she wants to celebrate their 40th
wedding anniversary. "Would you like a new Mink Coat?" he asks.

"Not really," says Mary.

"Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?" says John.

"No," she responds.

"What about a new vacation home in the country?" he suggests.

She again rejects his offer with a, "No thanks."

"Well what would you like for your anniversary?" John asks.

"John, I'd like a divorce," answers Mary.

I was going away for a few days and left my husband a list of chores. For fun, I put down as Item 5: Think about your wife a lot.

After I returned, my husband proudly reported that he had completed every job. When I saw the list, however, each item except No. 5 had been crossed off. "What's this!" I exclaimed. "Didn't you think about me while I was gone?"

Howie Phartz III, scion of a wealthy and prominent family, was about to divorce his showgirl wife, who in six years of marriage had been unable to produce an heir.

His mother, Mrs Howie Phartz II. visited the girl privately and told her, "My dear, we've never gotten along together, but in order to avoid the scandal of divorce, I'm about to tell you something, and I think you'll understand how to make use of this information.

"Sometimes I call my husband 'Q'," the wife told her friend.

"Why's that?" the friend asked."Is he some kinda superguy like that man on Star Trek?"

The marriage is in trouble when:

* The FBI is regularly called in to settle arguments.

* You have his n' hers bathrooms.

* New jars have appeared in the kitchen, labeled "Anthrax" and "Cyanide."

* Your in-laws are placing bets on who will get the house.

* Your spouse has a picture of you hanging on the dartboard.

* Family outings consist of you being chased out of the house by your spouse with a carving knife.

* You are desperate for your in-laws to visit so you can have someone else on which to vent your sarcastic remarks.

Staggering in from their tenth anniversary dinner, the drunken
husband collapsed in a chair and let out an enormous belch.

"That's it George! I've had it this time." his wife screamed.

"I'm cutting you off forever."

A guy cuddled up to his wife and softly whispered into her ear: "Could we make love, please dear?"

She rolled over away from him. "Not tonight, darling, I've got a
splitting headache," she replied rather tersely.

Too horney to read the obvious signals the husband pleaded. "Please, honey. I'll only stick it in for a minute"

My wife told me I would have made a good race horse.

When I asked her "Why do you say that?"

Jeff stood up in court. "As God is my judge, I do not owe my
ex-wife any money."