Giant Carrot

Two women are digging in the garden.

One pulls out a foot-long carrot. She says, "This one reminds me of my husband's."

The second woman says, "Your husband's is that long?"

A woman and her husband go to the doctor because the woman is complaining of shortness of breath.

After fifteen minutes, the woman comes out into the waiting room. "Apparently, my problem is that I have a nice cooter."

"Excuse me?" says the husband.

"That's what the doctor said. My problem is that I have a nice cooter."

The husband is a bit angry and goes in to talk to the doctor. "What's this about my wife having a nice cooter?

A man comes home to his wife, and he is chuckling.

His wife asks him what is so funny. ''A limerick I heard today at work. But I can't tell you,'' he says. ''It's too dirty.''

''Don't worry, I've heard them all,'' she replies. ''I really can't, it's the dirtiest limerick that I have ever heard!''

''OK,'' his wife says. ''How about you tell it, but substitute the word 'beep' in the place of the really dirty words.''

A newlywed couple arrives in their sumptuous honeymoon suite, and it turns out they are both virgins.

Brought up the old traditional way, neither of them really knows how to have sex.

So after about half a painful hour of abortive attempts to get it on, an idea occurs to the husband. ''OK, honey,'' he says, ''this is what we'll do. I'll go into the closet and you go into the bathroom. We'll both get undressed and turn off the lights in the bedroom. And then on the count of three we'll both rush out at each other and then it will just happen in the middle of the bedroom.''

The wife is a bit unsure about this, but since she doesn't have any better ideas she agrees.

So, the husband goes into the closet and the wife goes into the bathroom and they both get undressed. The anticipation is driving the husband mad and as he takes off his clothes he gets an enormous erection.

The wife turns off the lights and on the count of three they both rush into the bedroom towards each other. But since the room is dark the husband gets disoriented and runs by his wife — right into the dresser. He hits the dresser so hard that he passes out from the pain.

The next thing he remembers is coming to in a hosital bed, with a doctor looking down at him. His throbbing dick is still so painful that he moans to the doctor, ''Doc, doc, how bad is it?'' '

A husband and wife go off to bed. As soon as they settle down, the man leans over and whispers softly "hey snuggle boopy boops, your little hubby wubby isn't quite ready for nite-nite yet."

The wife takes the hint and says "OK, but I have to use the bathroom first."

So off she goes, but on her way back she trips over a piece of carpet and lands flat on her face. Her husband jumps up concerned. "Oh my little hunny bunny, is your nosey-wosey all right?"

No harm is done, so she jumps into bed and they have mad passionate sex for two hours.

Afterwards, the wife goes off to the bathroom again, but on her way she trips over the same piece of carpet and again lands flat on her face on the floor.

A married man thought he would give his wife a birthday surprise by buying her a bra.

He entered a ladies shop, rather intimidated, but the salesgirls took charge to help him.

"What color?" they asked.

He settled for white."How much does it cost?" he asked.

"Twenty-four dollars."

"Expensive, but ok," he thought. All that remained was the size, but he hadn't the faintest idea.

"Now sir, are they the size a pair of melons? Coconuts? Grape fruits? Oranges?"

"No," he said, "nothing like that.""Come on, sir, think. There must be something your wife's bust resembles."

Mary was married to a male chauvinist. They both worked full time, but he never did anything around the house and certainly not any housework.

One day Charley, her husband, read a magazine article that suggested working wives would be more romantically inclined if they weren't so tired from having to do all the housework, in addition to holding down a full-time job. So one evening, he declared to do her work. When Mary arrived home from work she was surprised to find the children bathed, a load of wash in the washing machine and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove and a beautifully set table, complete with flowers. She was astonished and wanted to know immediately what was going on. Upon asking, Charley told about the magazine article.

The next day, she couldn't wait to tell her girlfriends at the office. "How did it work out?" they asked.

Mary said, "Charley even cleaned up, helped the kids with their homework, folded the laundry and put everything away. I really enjoyed my evening."

"But what about afterward?" her friends wanted to know.

A rich Beverly Hills lady got very angry at her French maid. After a long list of stinging remarks about her shortcomings as a cook and housekeeper, she dismissed the maid.

The maid, with her Gaelic ancestry, couldn't allow such abuse to go unanswered. "Your husband considers me a better housekeeper and cook than you, Madam. He has told me himself."

The rich woman just swallowed and said nothing.

"And furthermore," the angry girl continued, "I am better in bed than you!"

"And I suppose my husband told you that, too?"

As he was reading, he would periodically reach over to his wife and fondle her "kitty." He did this a few times but only for a very short time each time.

He would then stop and resume reading his book.

The wife gradually became aroused and thought that her husband was seeking some response before going any further.

She got up and started stripping in front of him.

The husband was confused and asked:"What are you doing taking your clothes off?"

The wife replied, 'you were playing with my kitty. "I thought you were trying to give me the hint you wanted to make love tonight?!"

The husband said," No, not at all."

The wife then asked, "Well, why the hell were you touching me here then!"

Sam had been a soldier at war for more than three years, during which he had been in many battles and won many decorations.

He was finally discharged from service and returned home to a wife and son whom he hadn't seen in almost four years.

As he was walking up the path to his house, his young son spotted him and yelled, "Mommy, Mommy, here comes Daddy, and he's got a purple heart on!"

To which the mother replied, "I don't give a damn what color it is!

A girl about to be married confessed to her close friend that she was not, as her fiance thought, a virgin. She asked her friend what to do.

No Problem," said the friend, who had just finished watching an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie. "Just buy a piece of raw liver and shove it up inside you. It will make you tight and he will never know the difference."

The girl followed this advice and on her wedding night the groom consummated the marriage with tremendous energy in the bed, on the floor, in the bathtub, under the kitchen table, everywhere.

She fell asleep blissfully, but when she awoke she was devastated to find the following note pinned to her pillow:

Dear Jane: Last night was pure heaven. Unfortunately, since we will never be able to repeat that performance, I am leaving you forever.

Be careful what you wear (or don't wear), when working
under your vehicle...especially in public.

From the Morning Herald, Sydney Australia comes this story of a central west couple who drove their car to K-Mart only to have their car break down in the parking lot.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car there in the lot.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.

On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts and tucked everything back into place.

On regaining her feet she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.

A Kansas cyclone hit a farmhouse just before dawn onemorning. It lifted the roof off, picked up the beds, on which the farmer and his wife slept, and set them down
gently in the next county.

"Don't be scared, Mary," her husband said. "We're not hurt."

A wife went in to see a therapist and said,"I've got a big problem, doctor."

"Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes,he lets out this earsplitting yell."

"My dear," the doctor said, "that's completely natural.I don't see what the problem is."