Frustrated at always being corrected by her husband, my aunt decided the next time it happened, she would have a comeback.

That moment finally arrived, and she was ready. "You know," she challenged, "even a broken clock is right once a day."

A guy thought his wife was cheating on him.

So he waited for her to leave that night and jumped in a cab to follow her.

By following her he found out she was working in a whorehouse.

The guy says to the cabbie, "Wanna make a $100?"

The cabbie says, "Sure, what do I have to do?".

The guy replied that all the cabbie has to do was go inside the whorehouse and grab his wife and put her in the back of the cab and take them home.

So the cabbie goes in.

A couple of minutes later the whore house door gets kicked open, and the cabbie is dragging this woman out who is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the way to
the cab.

The cabbie opens the door to the cab, throws the girl inside, and tells the man, "Here hold her!!"

The man looks down at the girl and says to the cabbie, "THIS AIN'T MY WIFE".

A cop pulls over a seventy-two year old Jewish man, driving in mid-town Manhattan. The old man ask's the cop, "WasI speeding?"

The cop said, "No, are you aware your wife fell out, two blocks back."

A man was wandering around in a field, thinking about how good his wife had been to him, and how fortunate he was to have her.

He asked God, "Why did you make her so kind hearted?"

The Lord responded, "So you could love her, my son."

"Why did you make her so good looking?"

"So you could love her, my son."

"Why did you make her such a good cook?"

"So you could love her, my son."

The man thought about this. Then he said, "I don't mean to seem ungrateful or anything, but why did you make her so stupid?"

A newly married man was discussing his honeymoon.

He says to his buddy at lunch, "Last night, I rolled over, tapped my beautiful young wife on the shoulder, gave her a wink, and we had ourselves a performance!

Later that night, about 2 o'clock, I rolled over, gave my sweetie a nudge, and we had ourselves another performance.

Well, being so newly married and not yet tired of the task, I waited quietly in bed while my beauty slept until I couldn't wait any longer.

It was 4 o'clock when I gave her a little nudge.

She opened her blue eyes and smiled sweetly. We immediately had ourselves a rehearsal."

"A rehearsal?" his buddy asks, "Don't you mean a performance?"

Once upon a time, two accountants got married.

True to their bean counter nature, everything was done by the book. They got home at specified times, they ate dinner on a specified schedule and yes, they had sex
every evening at EXACTLY 6:15 without fail.

One day, the lady accountant came down with the flu. She went to the doctor and got antibiotics, which began killing the germs immediately.

Three of the germs got together and discussed strategy.

The first germ said, "I'm heading for her head. I don't think the medicine will go that far."

The second germ said, "Maybe so, but I'm heading for her toes. I think I'll be safe there."

As a couple were getting ready for bed, the husband coming from the bathroom and jumps in bed, his wife whines "I have a headache" he replies "Perfect!!

A couple were having breakfast. "Last night I dreamed they were auctioning off pricks," said the wife.

"Big ones went for $50 and the thick ones went for $100."

"And how much did they get for the ones like mine?"asked the husband."Oh," said the wife, "those they were giving away for nothing."

"I had a dream too!" said the husband. "I dreamed they were auctioning off pussys.

The pretty ones went for $5,000 and the little tight ones for $10,000."

"And how much did they get for the ones like mine?"

A man comes home drunk in the wee hours of the morning to find his wife angry and waiting for him at the door.

"Out drinking again!?" she says. "How much money did you spend this time?"

"$100," answers the man.

"$100!" she shouts. "That's ridiculous, spending that much in one night!"

The newlyweds entered the elevator of their Miami Beach hotel.

The operator, a magnificent blonde, looked at them in surprise and said, "Why, hello, John, how are you?"

A frosty silence prevailed until the couple reached their room, when the piqued bride demanded: "Who was that woman?!"

There were some newly weds lying in bed in their new house. Suddenly a robber came bursting into the room demanding all the money in the house.

Once he had all the money he said, "Now that you've seen me, I'm going to have to kill both of you. But before I do, I would like to know your names, it's a custom I have. What's your name?" he said pointing to the woman.

"Elizabeth." she replied.

"Oh my God, I can't kill you, my mother's name is Elizabeth! What's your name?" He turned to the man.

The wife appeared at the breakfast table in curlers and a worn bathrobe.

The husband looked up from his newspaper and said, "Why can't you look like you did when we were first married?"

A man goes to see his doctor and when he arrives home his wife notices that he is very depressed.

"What's the matter dear?" she asks.

The man pulled out a bottle of white pills and said, "My doctor said that I have to take one of these little white pills every day for the rest of my life."

The wife put an arm around her husband and tried to console him. "I know that'll be rough, but you'll get used to it."

The husband shook his head, "I haven't got to the worst part yet."

The wife looked more concerned, "It gets worse?"

"Your Honor, my wife is just being ridiculous. Most women would love to have a husband who still believes in chivalry and I was only opening the door for her out
of chivalry."

Rated R

Then there was the couple that decided to give up sex for Lent.

Somehow they muddled through the whole Lenten season, sleeping in separate bedrooms with the doors locked, taking cold showers, the whole bit.

Finally, up came the sun on Easter morning and the wife woke up to this terrific THUNDERING at her bedroom door. "Oh," she cried, "I know what you're knocking for!"