A Texan and his wife were on a trip to New York.

She had just finished showering to dress for dinner and noticed that she had neglected to pack her bras. She asked her husband to go down to the dress shop in the lobby and pick up a couple of 36-C bras.

He said, "Ah'l go down raht now." So he put on his ten gallon hat and went to the shop.

The saleslady said, "May I help you sir?"

When he told her that he wanted two 36-C bras, she asked,"Would you like two Playtex?"

He answered, "Ah'd luv ta little lady, but mah wife's a'waitin fur me up in the room."

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.
She protested, "But we don't know anything about each other."

He replied, "That's all right; we'll learn about each other as we go along."

So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up, took off his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, entering the water
perfectly, almost without a ripple. This was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel.

She said, 'That was incredible!"

He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone
before she was already touching the other end of thepool. She did laps in freestyle, breast stroke, even butterfly! After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard.

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"

At his wedding reception, the young groom's granddad congratulated his grandson and said, "The secret to enjoying a long and happy marriage is to listen to each other at all times, respect each other's wishes and to try and have sex in moderation. That way, your marriage will last as long as your grandma's and mine has."

Thanking him for his advice, the grandson asked, "What is sex like then when you get older, granddad?"

After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped in his New York neighborhood barbershop to say hello to his friends.

Giovanni said, "Hey, Luigi. How was a da treep?"

Luigi said, Ever'thing was a perfect except for da train a ride down."

"What'a you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni.

"Well, we boarda da train at Grand Centrala Station. My beautifula Virginia had packed a biga basket a food with vino and cigars for a me, and a we were looking
a 'forward to da trip.

All was OK until we gotta hungry and opened up a da luncha basket.

The conductor came by, wagged his a finger at us and a say, 'No eat in dese'a car. Must'a use'a dining car.'"

"So, me and my beautiful'a Virginia, we go to dining car, eat a big'a lunch and begin to open'a bottle of vino.

Conductor walk by me again, wag his'a finger and say, 'No drink'a in dese'a car. Must'a use'a club'a car.

"So we go to club'a car. While'a drinking vino, I start to light'a my big'a cigar. The conductor, he wag'a his finger again and say, 'No smoke'a in dese'a car. Must'a
go to smoker car.'"

"We go to smoker car and I smoke'a my cigar.

Later, my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to sleeper car and'a go to bed. We just about to have'a sex and the conductor, he walk'a through our corridor shouting at
top of his voice, 'NO- FOLK'A, VIRGINIA!' 'NO-FOLK'A VIRGINIA!"

A man takes his wife to a livestock show. They start heading down the alley where the bulls are kept. A sign in front of the first bull says: "This bull mated 50 times last year."

The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year! You could learn from him."

They proceed to the next bull and that sign states: "This bull mated 65 times last year."

The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That's over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, big time."

They proceed to the last bull and his sign reads: "This bull mated 365 times last year."

The wife's mouth drops open as she gasps, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That's ONCE A DAY! You could really learn from this one!"

My friend's husband always teases her about her lack ofinterest in household chores.

One day he came home witha gag gift, a refrigerator magnet that read:"Martha Stewart doesn't live here."

"The thrill is gone from my marriage," Bill told hisfriend Doug.

"Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?" Doug suggested.

"But what if my wife finds out?"

"Heck, this is a new age we live in, Bill. Go ahead and tell her about it!"

So Bill went home and said, "Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together."

A man and a woman had been married for ten years and decided to try and have kids.

They had not been using birth control for the entire time they had been married, so they thought they may have a problem conceiving.T

he woman decided to go to the gynecologist and see if they problem was with her. She had been hard of hearing since she was little.

The doctor examined her and came in to give her the conclusions.He said, "I'm sorry, but the problem is with you. You have insufficient passion and if you ever have a baby it will be a miracle."

The woman was very upset and went home crying.

Her husband got home and asked her what was wrong.

One night at the dinner table, the wife commented,"When we were first married, you took the small pieceof steak and gave me the larger. Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller; You don't loveme any more..."

What women want in a relationship: A handsome, loving professional man who will just love them for who they are.

What women get: A fat, balding fart machine who stays with them only because no other woman wants him.

What men want in a woman: A combination of Carol Brady and Pamela Lee Anderson; Wonderful Mom with big hooters and can suck the chrome off a flagpole.

What men get: Someone who immediately begins to gain those 80 extra lbs the moment after she says "I Do", beginning with the wedding cake!

What women want in bed: A passionate lover who takes the time to kiss And gently caress, slowly building up to a wonderful joyous experience together.

What they get: "Wham-Bam-Thank-You Ma'am!", Belch, Fart, Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

1st anniversary card from husband to wife: "My sweet loving wife....I hope this first year is a reflection of the next 60 years, you are my heart and soul, I am forever yours."

5th anniversary card: "I love you so much honey...words cannot describe."

10th anniversary card: "Hey, how's it hangin'? Love Ya'!!"

15th anniversary card: "Ummmmmmmmm......'sup?"

A woman was letting her husband have it with just a touch more venom than usual, saying, "You're an idiot. You have always been an idiot. You'll always be an idiot.

If they had an idiot contest, you'd come in second."

"Why would I come in second?" her husband asked.

A friend and his co-worker were talking over a brown-bag lunch. Said one, "My wife and I hardly ever see each other. She works the night shift, and I work the day
shift. All we can do is pass each other in the hall."

His co-worker said, "Well, you have five children. How did you manage that?"

Mueller is traveling with his wife and mother-in-law in a far east country.

At a place of honor his mother-in-law makes a careless remark, which the native peopletake as an insult to the Royal Family.

Mueller is dragged off to court with his wife and mother-in-law and are sentenced to corporal punishment.

Each of them are to receive 50 lashes on the rear end with a cane. Since the Royal Family doesn't want to appear hostile to foreigners, they grant the guests in their country a wish beforehand, as long as it is able to be fulfilled.

Mrs. Mueller is first. "What do you wish for yourself?"

"I would like a pillow bound on my rear end before the lashings."

"Okay, that shall be granted to you."

Mrs. Mueller has the pillow bound to her rear end and receives her punishment.

But because the pillow is too small and the executioner also hits her back a couple of times, she receives a few blows.

Next it is Mueller's mother-in-law's turn. "What do you wish for yourself?"

"I would like a pillow bound on my rear end and a pillow bound on my back before the lashings."

"Okay, that shall be granted to you."

The mother-in-law receives her fifty lashes, but hardly feels the pain through the pillows.

Then comes Mueller himself.

"What do you wish for yourself?"

"I have two wishes. Do you want to fulfill them for me?"

"Because you are a guest in our country, we want to fulfill your wishes for you, as long as they are reasonable."

"I would like 100 lashes instead of 50."

The executioner is surprised, but recovers again right away and replies, "Yes, that is a pious wish, it shall be granted to you. And what is your second wish?"

"Whats the matter, ma'am?" asked the maid, finding her mistress in tears.

"I've just discovered my husband is having an affair with his secretary!" she cried.

"Oh, nonsense!" snorted the maid. "You're only saying that to make me jealous!"

It was a May-December marriage, and as the old man climbed in to bed for the first time with his new bride, he asked, "Did your mother tell you what to do on your wedding night?"

"Yes," she cooed, kissing him lightly, "She told me everything."