A recent study showed that the average husband only actually speaks to his wife about thirty-seven minutes each week.

Bill meets Doug at the bar after work. Doug is really upset.

"What's wrong pal?" Bill asked. "You look really down"

"I am. My wife said she wants to have sex in the back seat of the car" Doug replied.

"So what's wrong with that?" Bill asked, seeming somewhat confused.

Now that they are retired, my mother and father are discussing all aspects of their future. "What will you do if I die before you do?" Dad asked Mom.

After some thought, she said that she'd probably look for a house sharing situation with three other single or widowed women who might be a little younger than herself, since she is so active for her age.

Then Mom asked Dad, "What will you do if I die first?"

The wealthy old gentleman and his wife were celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary and their three grown sons joined them for dinner. The old man was rather irritated when he discovered none of the boys hadbothered to bring a gift. After the meal, the waiter brought the check and none offered to pay even a part of it. As they were leaving, the old man drew them aside.

"You're all grown men," he said, "and old enough to hear this. Your mother and I have never been legally married."

"What?" gasped one of the sons. "Do you mean to say we're all bastards?"

A Michigan circuit judge tells about a divorce suit he handled recently."I think you might as well give your husband a divorce," he advised the wife.

There was a man who loved dog food.

His wife was concerned so she called her doctor and explained the situation to him. She said "All he eats is dog food."

The doctor said "Leave him alone. He isn't hurting anything. Dog Food is fit for human consumption."

This went on for quite awhile.

One day about a year later she runs into her doctor.

He asked how her husband was feeling.

She said he's dead.

The doctor exclaimed "From eating dog food!"

A man was in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son.

Every time the kite went up into the air, it came crashing down.

This went on for a while until his wife stuck her head out of the front door and yelled, "You need more tail!"

A well-respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work.

As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang.

The doctor calmly answered it and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.

"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.

"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.

As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"

"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, three doctors are there already!"

A woman who had the worst chronic headache goes to a famous "new age" holistic doctor, as a last resort.

"Doctor, I have tried everything, but my headache just won't go away."

The doctor replied, "You have come to the right place. This is what I want you to do: go home, stare at yourself in the mirror, point your index fingers at your temples, and repeat this mantra: "I really don't have aheadache, I really don't have a headache". Do it as long as it takes, the headache is just going to vanish."

As she leaves the doctor's office, skeptical but curious at the same time, she tries the maneuver in front of the mirror in the elevator. Fingers pointed at her temples, she starts repeating "I really don't have aheadache, I really don't have a headache...". She has barely said it four times, when she realizes her headache is gone. Shocked and elated, she runs back up to the doctor."Doctor, you are a genius! Can I please send you my husband? He's been having problems in a certain department... how can I put it... "

"When was the last time you two had sex?"

"About eight years ago." "Send him over."

A few days later, she is waiting with baited breath for her husband to come home from the doctor. He arrives, asks her to wait, and goes straight to the bathroom. When he comes out, he throws her on the couch and starts making wild passionate love to her, . When he's finished, he goes right back to the bathroom.

A few minutes later he comes out, rouses her from her bliss and starts at it again, like an insatiable young man.

After another hour of great sex he goes and locks himself in the bathroom again.

At this point the wife has become unbearably curious. She tiptoes to the bathroom door, looks through the keyhole, and sees her husband, staring at himself in the mirror, fingers pointed at his temples, repeating:

Recently I was so embarrassed at my wedding, at the rehearsal, the minister told my father, "As you give your daughter's hand to the bridegroom, you should say something nice to him.

"My father, a grocery-store manager, took the advice.

A couple just got married, and when the husband went back to his house he found that his bride had disappeared.

He got very worried and gathered up all his friends to search for his wife with no success.

Two days after his wife disappeared the man returned home to find her in the kitchen.

He asked her what she has been up to and why she hasn't been home for so long.

She replied: "These four men kidnapped me and had wild sex with me for a week."

The husband answered: "But it's only been two days what do you mean a week?"

Three Couples went out camping.

The three husbands stayed in one tent and the three wives stayed in the other.

At about 3 in the morning, Bob woke up and yelled, "Wow, unbelievable!"

Bill woke up and asked,"What's going on?"

Bob said, "I've got to go to the other tent and find my wife."

"How Come?"

"To have sex! I just woke up with the biggest hard-on I've ever had in my life!"

After a pause, Bill said. "Do you want me to come with you?"

"Hell, no! Why would I want you to do that?"

Take Buffie, the typical observant wife.

One evening after dinner, she handed me a bottle of that Rogaine hair restorer.

I told her while I knew I was starting to thin out some, I didn't really think I needed hair restorer yet.

A girl is about to tie the knot, and is watching her mother bake biscuits in the kitchen.

"Mom?" she asks. "How do you keep Dad so happy after all these years of marriage?"

The mother promptly threw a wad of biscuit dough on the floor, hikes up her dress, and squats down, picking the dough up with her snatch.

"Practice this and when you can do it, I'll guarantee that your man will be satisfied for the rest of his life," said her mother.

So the girl practiced and practiced until her wedding night.While her anxious husband waited for her in the bed, she emerged wearing a sexy negligee, carrying a can of biscuit dough.

She opened the can, threw the dough on the floor, lifted her negligee, and squatted over the dough, letting out a thunderous fart as she did so.

Her husband, startled, jumped from the bed and backed away.

"What's wrong, honey?" she asked.

He replied, "Shit woman!" as he stepped further away.

Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, "ATTENTION ALL" and farts loudly.

The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at the drunk and says" Excuse me, you just farted before my wife."