Betrayal

One day a man came home from work earlier than usual and caught his wife in bed with his best friend. Enraged, the husband grabbed a gun and shot his friend to death.

A man and his wife were talking and he says, "You know, I was thinking of going down to the bar tonight and entering that big-dick contest."

"Oh honey", she exclaims, "I don't want you taking that out in public!"

"But sweet thing", he says, "the prize is $100."

"I don't care", she says, " I don't want you showing that thing to everybody."

So he lets the subject drop until the following night when his wife walks in on him in the bedroom, counting out a hundred dollars.

"Did you go down and enter that big-dick contest last night after I told you not to?"

"Please forgive me, sweetheart." He says.

"You mean you took that thing out for everybody to see?", she says, tears welling up in her eyes.

The man looks at her fondly and says, "Only enough to win."

A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife. The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of his wife's activities.

A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat downtogether to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoorcafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He
saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee.

"I just can't believe this," the distraught husband said.

The detective said, "What's not to believe? It's right up there on the screen!"

The husband replied, "I can't believe that my wife could be so much fun!"

Two bitter rivals met at a convention.

The first said, "How's the wife these days?"

The Amish wife walked into the barn one day and was aghast at what she saw in there. Instead of milking their cow, her husband was standing with his trousers down at the rear quarter of the bovine and humping away at it like a mink.

Angrily she yelled at him, "That's the most depraved and disgusting thing I've ever seen in my life! I'm going to tell everyone in the community that you were having sex with the cow!"

"You just go ahead," the man in the shopping mall said to his wife. "While you're shopping, I'll browse in the hardware store."

An hour later, she returned and saw him at the checkout counter. The clerk was ringing up the last of a pile of tools and supplies that would fill two wheelbarrows.

"Are you buying all this?" his wife asked incredulously.

The eight qualities of a perfect husband ...

Brave
Intelligent
Gutsy

Polite
Energetic
Nutty
Industrious
Sensitive

A farmer in Arkansas and his wife were lying in bed one evening.

She was knitting, he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry.

He looked up from the page and said to her, "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?"

She looks at him wistfully, smiles, and replies, "Oh yeah? Prove it."

He frowned for a moment, then said, "O.K."

He then got up and walked out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.

A man answers the phone and has the following conversation:

"Yes, mother, I've had a hard day.

Gladys has been most difficult - I know I ought to be more firm, but it is hard. Well, you know how she is.

"Yes, I remember you warned me. I remember you told me that she was a vile creature who would make my life miserable and you begged me not to marry her.

"You were perfectly right."

"You want to speak with her?

After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers.

Five years after my wife, Bridgid, and I were married, we received our final wedding gift -- an ice-cream maker. In an attempt to cover procrastination with humor, the friend who sent it included a note: "I wanted to make sure the marriage would last."

Bridgid wasn't amused, but she thought the present deserved a thank-you note anyway, which she dutifully sent five years later.

An elderly couple were listening to the radio one night and the announcer said there was a terrible blizzard coming. Please park your cars on the even side of the street.

So they did.

After a week or so they were listening to the radio again, another bad snow storm. Please park your cars on the odd side of the street.

So they did.

About a month later they were listening to the radio, another bad storm. But right in the middle of the broadcast the electricity went out. And Pa says to Ma," We don't know which side of the street to park the car."

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the wife asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"