Two women go out one weekend without their husbands. As they came back, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee. They noticed the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway.

The first one did not have anything to clean herself with, so she took off her panties and used them to clean herself and discarded them.

The second not finding anything either, thought "I'm not getting rid of my panties..." so she used the ribbon of a flower wreath to clean herself.

The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other: " We have to be on the look-out, it seems that these two were up to no good last night, my wife came home
without her panties...".

I noticed my husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach.

Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, I commented, "I don't think that is going to help, honey."

On their 50th wedding anniversary, Jill and John summed up the reason for their long and happy marriage.

John said, "I have tried never to be selfish. After all, there is no "I" in the word 'marriage.'"

On their wedding night, the young bride went up to her new husband.

"Since we're married now, we can arrange our sex life like this: In the evening, if my hair is done, that means I don't want sex at all. If my hair is somewhat undone, that means I may or may not have sex. And if my hair is completely undone, that means I want sex."

John accused his wife Jill of having no sense of humor.

Jill responded, "You've got to be kidding. I even have an official document that says I have a sense of humor."

John said, "What document?"

Jill replies, "Our marriage license.

A man called into a local radio station and told the "morning guys" that his wife had given him an ultimatum: "Until he quit smoking, he wasn't going to get any sex."

They asked him, "How long do you think you'll be able to hold out?"

His reply, "Until my girlfriend dies."

Marriage is like taking a hot bath.

After you've been in it for a while ... it isn't so hot.

This guy goes out with his buddies for a night on the town and they cap off the festivities by going to a house of ill repute.

A week later, the guy visits his doctor complaining of a large green lump on the end of his penis.

The doctor does a thorough exam, then pulls down a weighty medical book and flicks through it till he finds what he's looking for. He looks up and says, "I'm
afraid this is serious. We'll have to operate!"

"Operate?", exclaims the fellow, "Why, Doc? What's the problem?"

Soon after our last child left home for college, my husband was resting next to me on the couch with his head in my lap. I carefully removed his glasses.

"You know, honey," I said sweetly,"without your glasses, you look like the same handsome young man I married."

John woke up one morning immensely aroused so he turned over to his wife's side of the bed. His wife, Heather, had already awakened though, and she was downstairs
preparing breakfast in the kitchen. Afraid that he might spoil things by getting up, John called his little boy into the room and asked him to' Bring this note to your beautiful Mummy.' The note read:

The Tent Pole Is Up,
The Canvas Is Spread,
The Hell With Breakfast,
Come Back To Bed.

Heather, grinning, answered the note and then asked her son to 'Bring this to your silly Daddy.' The note read:

Take The Tent Pole Down,
Put The Canvas Away,
The Monkey Had A Hemorrhage,
No Circus Today.

John read the note and quickly scribbled a reply. Then, he asked his son to take it back to 'The lady in the kitchen'. The note read:

The Tent Pole's Still Up,
And The Canvas Still Spread,
So Drop What You're Doing,
And Come Give Me Some Head.

Laughing, Heather answered the note and then asked her son to 'Take this to the poor man upstairs'. The note read:

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week, the man realized that he would need his wife
to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (AND LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM."

This guy Chris gets a call from his buddy John one day, and John is on the phone crying.

Chris asks, "John, what's wrong? You sound really upset."

"Well," replies John, "my wife's been cheatin' on me."

"With who?" asks Chris.

"The neighbor," replies John.

"That damn dirty slut!" says Chris.

"Yeah," replies John, "you think I'm upset, you should've heard how upset the neighbor's husband was."

This couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out into town and party, so he says to his new wife: "Honey, I'll be right back..."

"Where are you going coochi cooh...?" Asks the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."

The wife puts her hands on her hips and says to him:"You want a beer my love...?" Then she opens the door to the refrigerator and shows him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc....

The husband doesn't know what to do, and the only thing that he can think of saying is: "Yes, loolie loolie ... but the bar .... you know ... the frozen glass."

He didn't get to finish saying the sentence, when the wife interrupts him by saying: "You want a frozen glass puppy face...?" She takes out of the freezer a huge beer mug so frozen that the wife was getting the chills from holding it.

The husband looking a bit pale says:"Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those
hoer's de devours that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hoer's de devours poochi pooh..?" She opens the oven and takes out 15 dishes of different hoer's de devours ...chicken wings, pigs in the blanket, mushroom
caps, pork strips,etc...

"But sweet honey ... at the bar ... you know ... the swearing, the dirty words and all that..."

"That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar.

"How do you know?" the friend asked.

"She didn't come home last night and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she had spent the night with her sister, Shirley."

"So?"

A woman was complaining to the neighbor that her husband always came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him.

"Take my advice," said the neighbor, "and do what I did. Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my bed, I called out: 'Is that you, Jim?'

"And that cured him." ?

"Cured him?" asked the woman, "but how?"