David walked into the bedroom to find his wife rolling in the hay with another man.

"What in the name of god is going on? Who is this man?"

His wife thought for a moment, then said, "That's a fair question."

She turned to the other man and asked, "What's your name?"

My wife suggested a book for me to read to enhance our relationship.

Housecleaning Tips While Wife Is Away

Sweeping and Mopping the Floors Have dog sweep floors with tail and lick up all crumbs...(any stubborn spots that require scrubbing recruit cat... may have to add tuna water to spot). If you don't have a dog or cat...well you are in trouble.... go find one roaming the neighbourhood quick!

Vacuuming Call for demo from salesman. Have him show you how the vacuum works in all parts of the house... insisting the carpet looks the same... but really is different in all parts of the house. Tips for success on't always call same company... keep a chart and rotate.

Dusting Only do what is at eye level or below. And only right before someone is coming over! Run rag over everything quickly (don't even waste your precious time on the Pledge or Endust... that's minutes away from your computer...and that just is unacceptable!) For the illusion of using those products... spray a few squirts to air like air freshener.

Laundry First find a good place to hide it! If you have to do it... like you have no underwear... (heck who needs underwear). Okay... lets say its time to fold those rotten clothes... run the dryer again... and again and again... and when the utility bill comes.... have a stroke!

Cleaning Toilet Close the lid.

Cleaning Shower Close the shower door or curtain.

Cleaning the Rest of the Bathroom Close the door. Again... for the illusion of a freshly cleaned bath... pour some lysol in the trash can... that illusion will stay until you finally get someone to empty the trash for you. Speaking of which......

Taking out the Trash If you cant find anyone in your house to take it out... bribe a neighbor... say you hurt your back or some other sob story...that one might be good for getting at least a few sympathy dinners out of the neighbor as well! Try not to use it too often... they might get suspicious.

A man came home and said to his wife, "Honey, I'm sure horny; how about a little bit tonight?" "No," she said, "I've got cold crème on my face and I'm afraid I might get it on the bed." He said, "Ok," and went on to bed.

The next night he came in and said, "Honey, I'm really horny tonight, how about a little bit?" She said, "No, I've got a mud said, "Ok." and went on to sleep.

The next night he came home and said, "Honey, I'm really horny tonight, how about a little bit?" She said, "No, I took a laxative and I'm afraid I might shit on the bed." He said, "Ok," and went on to sleep.

The next night he came home and said, "Honey, I'm really getting horny, how about a little bit tonight?" She said, "No, I'm on my period. I'm afraid I might get blood on the bed." "Ok," he said and went on to sleep.

My husband and I have been married for 13 years and one night he was feeling rather amorous! Well, we started to make love around 1 am and didn't stop until 2:03...

Did I mention that this was the night they set the clocks up and hour at 2 am?

As they started the car for the long trip back into the city, Peter and Kate said their goodbyes to their good friend, Jeff.

"Thanks for putting us up for the weekend," said Peter. "The food was great, the booze and dope were superb, and I really enjoyed fucking your wife."

Shortly after hitting the road, Kate turned to her husband and said,
"I hope you weren't serious about fucking his wife and enjoying it!"

One night at the dinner table, Jill commented, "When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller. You don't love me any more!"

Tammy and Doug were playing with their new puppy, and Doug commented that it was strange that an unrelated species would come into their home, love us, play with us, work for us, and we would give them food and love in return.

After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old codger decided it was time to visit the big city.

In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not knowing what it was, he remarked, "How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy."

He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he remembered his wife, Lizzy, didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.

Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn..

One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror.

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."

Ruth was complaining to her doctor at the annual checkup, "I'm losing my urge to make love."

"Mrs. Edelman, it's quite natural and understandable. After all,you are eighty-four," said the doctor. "But please tell me,when did you start to notice the change?"

"Last night," she answered, "and then again this morning."

"Aha!" exclaimed the physician. "Your problem isn't a diminished sex drive. What you need is to be coupling at least fifteen times a month."

After thanking him, she headed home, eager to let her husband know her doctor's prescription.

"Guess what? He says I need it fifteen times a month, at least!"

In the middle of lunch, Mrs. Slotnick is interrupted by a committee of workmen who report that her husband has just been badly wounded on the job and is incritical condition at the hospital. She does not say a word and continues eating.

They say again, "Do you hear what we are telling you, Mrs. Slotnick? Your husband was hurt and he is in critical condition!"

"Gentlemen," she says, "I heard absolutely every word. And as soon as I finish this soup, you are going to hear such a scream!"

These two guys are drinking really late one night in a bar when one of them looks at the other and says, "I have to get home, my wife is going to kill me."

The other guy says, "What, are you kidding me, my wife lets me do whatever I want."

The first guy says, "I know, I know", all embarrassed that his wife controls him. He continues," I try to sneak past her everytime to. I drive really slow down my street and turn the headlights off 100 yards short of my driveway, 50 feet short I turn off the key so that I can coast in, I shut the car door easily, open the front door to the house quietly, take off my boots so I can go up the stairs in my socks, sneak through the bedroom door, and as soon as I hit the bed she is up screaming at me."

The second guy laughs and replies, "There is your problem, let me tell you what I do. I drive 90 MPH down my street and lock it up sideways into my driveway, bump into the garage door, slam the car door shut, slam the front door, stomp up the stairs, swing the bedroom door open, jump up on the bed, slap my wife on the ass and say hey sweetie, how about a blowjob?"

After much soul-searching and having determined the husband was infertile, the couple decided to try artificial insemination.

So the stunningly beautiful young woman made an appointment at the clinic, where she was told to undress from the waist down, get on the table and place her long, slender legs in the gynaecological stirrups.

She was feeling rather awkward about the whole procedure, and when the doctor came in, her anxiety was heightened by the sight of him pulling down his pants."

Now wait just a minute! What's going on here!", she yelped, pulling herself up to a sitting position."

You want to get pregnant?" asked the doctor breezily.

A fellow taking a sex survey called up one of the husbands who had filled out his questionnaire and said. " Sir, there's a discrepancy in your answers. Under 'Frequency of Intercourse', you've put 'Twice a week', while your wife wrote, 'Several times nightly'."