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Topic: Husbands & Wives
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Steven Privett
Expert Film Handler
Posts: 208
From: Pasadena, TX, USA
Registered: Dec 2000
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posted 05-20-2004 04:45 AM
Rated R
“I’ve been making a lot of Freudian slips lately,” a man says to his friend. “Like what?” asks his buddy. “Well, last week I asked the train conductor for two pickets to Tittsburgh.” “I did something similar the other day,” says the friend. “My wife and I were having breakfast, and instead of saying, ‘Honey, please pass the butter,’ I said, ‘You bitch—you ruined my life!’”
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Steven Privett
Expert Film Handler
Posts: 208
From: Pasadena, TX, USA
Registered: Dec 2000
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posted 05-20-2004 05:00 AM
Rated PG
A married couple is driving down the interstate at 55 mph with the husband behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, “Honey, I know we’ve been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce.” The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph. She then says, “I don’t want you to try to talk me out of it, because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you.” Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels. She says, “I want the house.” Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph. She says, “I want the kids too.” The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until he's up to 80 mph. She says, “I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too.” The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, “Is there anything you want?” The husband says, “No, I’ve got everything I need right here.“ She asks, “What’s that?” The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, “I’ve got the airbag.”
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 07-09-2004 06:45 AM
Rated G ![[Eek!]](eek.gif) Diane in Reno
She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day,she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day,she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music,and feasted on a pound of shrimp,a jar of caviar,and a bottle of Chardonnay. When she had finished,she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar,into the hollow of the curtain rods.
She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend,all was bliss for the first few days.Then slowly,the house began to smell.They tried everything,cleaning,mopping,and airing the place out.Vents were checked for dead rodents,and carpets were steam cleaned.Air fresheners were hung everywhere.Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters,during which they had to move out for a few days,and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.
Nothing worked.People stopped coming over to visit.Repairmen refused to work in the house.The maid quit.Finally,they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.A month later,even though they had cut their price in half,they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.
Word got out,and eventually,even the local realtors refused to return their calls.Finally,they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man,and asked how things were going.He told her the saga of the rotting house.She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly,and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was,he agreed on price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth,but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.
She agreed,and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home,including the curtain rods.
I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU???? ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
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