my profile | my password | search | faq & rules | forum home

» Film-Tech Forum ARCHIVE   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » Husbands & Wives (Page 61)

This topic comprises 94 pages: 1  2  3  ...  58  59  60  61  62  63  64  ...  92  93  94

Author Topic: Husbands & Wives Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-24-2004 11:24 AM                        Rated G "My wife and I have a system for settling arguments: We just talk and talk until she is right.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-09-2004 12:48 PM                        Rated G A man and a woman go into a drugstore to pick up a prescription. While they are waiting,the man climbs on an old-fashioned scale and puts a quarter in. A card emerges that says, "You are thoughtful, considerate, kindhearted, and good with children." Very smugly, he hands the card to his wife. She reads it and says,"It didn't get your weight right, either."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-15-2004 11:52 AM                        Rated G No matter how hard she tries, my wife just isn't very good at getting plants to grow. Seems everything she plants withers and dies an untimely death under her care. Trooper that she is, though she never gives up. The other day I noticed a row of plants in the front. My first thought? "Great. Death Row."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-17-2004 02:01 PM                        Rated G Lorraine My husband and I spent the first three years of our marriage trying to adjust to the new feminism. Never was this more evident than when we were doing the shopping for our newly purchased house. I was waiting at the check-out when he approached carrying two lawn rakes. "When are we ever going to need a second rake?" I asked. He smiled sweetly and replied,"Every time we need the first."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-16-2004 10:20 AM                        Rated G Frying Eggs: The wife was busy frying eggs, when her husband came home. He walked into the kitchen and immediately started yelling. "Careful....CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! WE NEED MORE BUTTER! THEY ARE GOING TO STICK! CAREFUL CAREFUL!!!TURN THEM! HURRY UP!!! ARE YOU CRAZY!!! USE MORE SALT!!! THE SALT!!! The wife was upset, "What is wrong with you? Why are you yelling like this? Do you think that I don't know how to fry an egg?" The husband camly replied: "I wantedto show you what it feels like for me when I am driving with you sitting next to me."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-24-2004 10:04 AM                        Rated G Some friends were hoping their second child would be a girl, and they even had a name picked out. The ultrasound didn't reveal the baby's sex, though, and since the expectant father had orders from the Navy to ship out before the due date, he told his wife, "We'd better pick out a boy's name, just in case." But when it was time for him to report for duty, they still hadn't decided. At sea a few weeks later, he got notification that his son, Justin Kase, had been born.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-28-2004 10:56 AM                        Rated G Michele Top 14 Biblical Ways to Acquire a Wife 1. Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours. -- (Deuteronomy 21:11-13) 2. Find a prostitute and marry her. -- Hosea (Hosea 1:1-3) 3. Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock. -- Moses (Exodus 2:16-21) 4. Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. -- Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10) 5. Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. -- Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25) 6. Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you a rib. -- Adam (Genesis 2:19-24) 7. Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of toil for a woman. -- Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30) 8. Cut off 200 foreskins from your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife. -- David (I Samuel 18:27) 9. Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. (It's all relative of course.) -- Cain (Genesis 4:16-17) 10. Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. -- Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4) 11. When you see someone you like, go home and tell your p parents, "I have seen a ...woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me." -- Samson (Judges 14:1-3) 12. Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea, it's the law). -- Onan and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth) 13. Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. -- Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3) 14. A wife?...NOT!!! -- Paul (1 Corinthians 7:32-35)  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-28-2004 11:22 AM                        Rated G Mary Skip was stark naked in front of his open window, doing his morning aerobics. His wife entered the room and shouted, "Skip, you fool, draw those curtains! I don't want the neighbors to think that I married you for your money!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-29-2004 09:49 AM                        Rated G Two men were talking about the secret of a long and happy marriage. "Our marriage," said one "is built on trust and understanding." "My wife doesn't trust me and I don't understand her."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-02-2004 10:37 AM                        Rated G Yesterday my husband came home from his training session with his occupational therapist and said, "I have good news and bad news." I knew it was the day his OT was deciding if he needed to continue using the three wheeler they had lent him when he left the hospital or to finally go into an electric wheelchair. "The good news is, using the electric wheelchair, I got 18 out of 20 on my driver's test." I said, "Great! Now what's the bad news?" He said, "They were pedestrians..."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-04-2004 02:52 PM                        Rated G It was a typical fall Saturday and the wife happened upon her husband sprawled on the couch, beer in hand, staring at a college football game on the TV. After taking in the scene a few moments, she said, "Ya know George, somehow I find it difficult to believe that you're the end product of millions of years of evolution."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-04-2004 03:21 PM                        Rated G A fella was saying to his friend, "My wife seems to have developed some sort of fixation that her collection of fur coats will be stolen. When I came home early one day last week, I found she'd hired someone to *guard* them! In fact, she stationed the poor guy right inside the closet!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-05-2004 10:07 AM                        Rated PG Lorraine QUESTION: What is a Honeymoon Salad? ANSWER: Lettuce alone, with no dressing.  |  IP: Logged Steven Privett Expert Film Handler Posts: 208 From: Pasadena, TX, USA Registered: Dec 2000 posted 11-05-2004 10:45 PM                    Rated R Just tell the truth A cunning executive was having an affair with his young secretary. Every Friday the two would leave work a few hours early and have sex at the secretary's house. When the executive returned home, he would tell his wife he had gone to a bar with his friends. One night, the executive accidentally fell asleep at his secretary's house. When he woke up, he rushed to get dressed and told his secretary to rub his shoes in the grass. Eager to help, the confused secretary took his shoes outside, rubbed them in the grass, and handed them off. By the time he arrived home, the executive's wife was waiting for him. She immediately asked him where he had been. ?I am not going to lie to you," he said, "I am having an affair." His wife angrily looked him up and down and said, "Bullshit, you've been playing golf."  |  IP: Logged Paul Mayer Oh get out of it Melvin, before it pulls you under! Posts: 3836 From: Albuquerque, NM Registered: Feb 2000 posted 11-06-2004 11:55 AM                        Rated PG-13 Dave Stoltz and Ray Martinez Why I Fired My Secretary... Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday and I wasn't feeling too well that morning. I went down to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say, Happy Birthday!", and probably have a present for me. As it turned out, she didn't even say good morning, let alone any happy birthday. I thought, well, that's my wife for you, the children will remember. The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office. I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good morning Boss. Happy Birthday!" And I felt a little better that someone had remembered. I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!" We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go, instead we went out to a private little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment." After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable." Sure!" I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake--followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday. And I just sat there--on the couch... Naked.  |  IP: Logged

All times are Central (GMT -6:00)

This topic comprises 94 pages: 1  2  3  ...  58  59  60  61  62  63  64  ...  92  93  94

Printer-friendly view of this topic

Hop To: Select a Forum: Category: Operations -------------------- Digital Cinema Forum Film Handlers' Forum Large Format Forum Ground Level Feature Info, Trailer Attachments & REAL Credit Offsets Category: Community -------------------- Film-Yak Film Handlers' Movie Reviews The Afterlife Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon Category: Classified -------------------- Equipment and Supplies Wanted/For Sale Help Wanted/Seeking Employment Category: System -------------------- Software Beta Testing Forum

The Film-Tech Forums are designed for various members related to the cinema industry to express their opinions, viewpoints and testimonials on various products, services and events based upon speculation, personal knowledge and factual information through use, therefore all views represented here allow no liability upon the publishers of this web site and the owners of said views assume no liability for any ill will resulting from these postings. The posts made here are for educational as well as entertainment purposes and as such anyone viewing this portion of the website must accept these views as statements of the author of that opinion and agrees to release the authors from any and all liability.