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Author Topic: Husbands & Wives Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-17-2004 12:45 PM                        Rated G Our new puppy sleeps between my husband and me at night. One morning I mentioned to my husband that I noticed he wasn’t snoring anymore. "Of course not," he replied. "Every time I start to snore, the dog bites me on the nose!"  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 11-17-2004 06:12 PM                        Rated PG for graphic language.. Harvey and Gladys are getting ready for bed. Gladys is standing in front of her full-length mirror, taking a long, hard look at herself. "You know, Harvey," she comments. "I stare into this mirror, and I see an ancient creature. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs sag so much that they dangle to my waist, my arms and legs are as flabby as popped balloons, and . . . my ass looks like a sad, deflated version of the Hindenberg!" She turns to face her husband and says, "Dear, please tell me just one positive thing about my body so I can feel better about myself." Harvey studies Gladys critically for a moment and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 11-22-2004 05:39 PM                        Rated G A man left work one Friday afternoon. Being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spent his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied, "That would be fine with me." Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-23-2004 08:29 AM                        Rated G Lorraine Tired after a long stretch of working nights, my husband, Dave, was absentmindedly watching television. Suddenly I realized that our one-year-old grandson had closed one of the double doors on the TV cabinet, obscuring half the screen. I got up to reopen it. "Don't bother," Dave yawned. "I'm going up to bed soon. I was only going to watch half of it anyway."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-15-2004 12:53 PM                        Rated G The bride was anything but a tidy housekeeper. It didn't bother her much until one evening when her husband called from the hall,somewhat dismayed:"Honey,what happened to the dust on this table? I had a phone number written on it."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-15-2004 12:55 PM                        Rated G Lorraine My wife was on the phone getting directions to a client’s home in a nearby town. She didn’t recognize the street name or any of the landmarks the client mentioned. But then my wife was inspired: "Give me directions from mthe nearest mall." she suggested.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-17-2004 10:00 AM                        Rated G A tornado hit a farmhouse just before dawn one morning. It tore off the roof and picked up the bed of which the farmer and his wife were sleeping. By some miracle, the tornado set them down, unharmed, the next county over. The wife was sobbing uncontrollably. "Don't be scared, Mary," her husband said. Mary continued to cry. "I'm not scared," she said "I'm happy ... this is the first time we've been out together in 14 years."  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 12-17-2004 05:20 PM                        Rated G Dave returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Alma that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love. Six hours later, Dave went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Alma agreed and again they made love. Later, Dave was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Alma's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die." She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep. Dave, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?" His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Dave, I have to get up in the morning! You don't."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-05-2005 09:48 AM                        Rated G Michele Our marriage was okay until we bought a waterbed... Then we seemed to drift apart.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-06-2005 09:47 AM                        Rated G A husband and wife were dining together at a restaurant. She pointed to a woman seated at a table and said, "There's my gynecologist, Dr. Knowles." "Oh," said the husband, "why don't you go over and say hi to her?" "That's okay," she said, "she wouldn't know my face anyway."  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 01-08-2005 09:36 AM                        Rated PG A couple is having dinner in a restaurant when their waitress, standing a few tables away, watches as the guy slides all the way down his chair and out of sight. The woman across from him seems to not notice. The waitress comes over and says, "Excuse me, Ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table." The woman says, "No he didn't, he just walked in the door."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-10-2005 11:19 AM                        Rated PG Carol "Yeah, my husband and I just split up. I finally faced the fact that we're incompatible. I'm a Virgo and he's an asshole."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-11-2005 10:27 AM                        Rated G Lulu Over dinner one evening, a wife says to her husband, "I met this horrible and rude man downtown this morning, and right away I knew he was a troublemaker. He started to insult me. He used really bad language. He even threatened me!" "How did you meet this fellow?" her husband asked, very concerned. "Well," she says, "we met by accident. I hit him with the car."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-13-2005 12:59 PM                        Rated G Michele Maggie had wanted new kitchen cabinets for a long time, but her husband insisted they were an extravagance. She went to visit her mother for two weeks, and when she returned, she was overjoyed to find that beautiful new cabinets had been installed in her kitchen. A few days later, a neighbor came over to visit and after admiring the new cabinets, the neighbor added, "All of us were so glad that the fire your husband had while you were gone was confined to the kitchen."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-24-2005 10:32 AM                        Rated G Michele A husband, while he is on a business trip to a hill station sends a telegram to his wife: "I wish you were here." The message received by wife: "I wish you were her."  |  IP: Logged

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