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Author Topic: Husbands & Wives Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-21-2005 11:02 AM                        Rated G Lulu My husband went on a sudden business trip, and I accompanied him. It soon became apparent that he could not wrap things up in one day, so his employer put us up for the night in a luxury hotel. We found a convenience store and purchased toothbrushes, a razor and other necessary items. Finally we entered the lobby of the hotel, each of us toting a brown paper bag filled with supplies. The hotel manager looked us over. Raising an eyebrow, he intoned haughtily, "Matching luggage?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-24-2005 01:13 PM                        Rated R Quirk You can encapsulate a marriage in four words. If a fellow gets married, but finds a temptation elsewhere, hears about it from his wife when she finds out, and finds himself served with papers, you can sum up the experience as: Hitched, Itched, Bitched, Ditched.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-26-2005 04:05 PM                        Rated G Frequent hand washing in my job as a medical technologist and the harsh weather combined give me very dry skin. One night as I prepared for bed, I rubbed my hands with petroleum jelly and covered them with an old pair of white gloves. As I sat in bed reading a book with my gloves on, my husband finished showering and came into the room wearing a towel. Drying himself off, he went to the closet, selected a tie and started wearing it "What are you doing?" I asked. "Well" he replied, "if you are going to be formal. So am I."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-27-2005 07:00 AM                        Rated XXX "And what do you two think you are doing?!" roared the husband, as he came upon his wife in bed with another man. The wife smiled at her companion. "See?" she said, "I told you he was stupid!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-30-2005 12:48 PM                        Rated PG Denny In Yonkers Tom did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep.All of a sudden,he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing in front of his bed. "What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?...and who are you?" he asked. "This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter,and you are in heaven." "WHAT! Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die! I'm too young," said Tom. "I want you to send me back immediately." "It's not that easy", said St.Peter. "You can only return as a dog or a hen. The choice is your own." Tom thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad. "I want to return as a hen," Tom replied. And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered. But now he felt like his rear end was gonna blow. Then along came the rooster. "Hey, you must be the new hen St. Peter told me about," he said. "How do you like being a hen?" "Well, OK I guess, but it feels like my ass is about to explode." "Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. You need to lay an egg." "How do I do that?" Tom asked. "Cluck twice, and then you push all you can." Tom clucked twice and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'plop' an egg was on the ground. "Wow" Tom said. "That felt really good!" So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground. The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout: "Tom, for Christ's sake! Wake up! You're shittin' all over the bed!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-31-2005 12:55 PM                        Rated G A salesman, calling his wife from a distant city, said good-bye and hung up. As he left, the phone rang. He answered it, expecting to be informed of extra charges. But, the operator said, "I thought you'd like to know - just after you hung up, your wife said, I love you."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-31-2005 01:15 PM                        Rated G My wife has not spoken to me in three days. I think it has something to do with what happened on Sunday night when she thought she heard a noise downstairs. She nudged me and whispered, "Wake up, wake up!" "What's the matter?" I asked. "There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they're eating the tuna casserole I made tonight." "That'll teach them!" I replied.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-31-2005 01:40 PM                        Rated G MARRIAGE COMMANDMENTS: Commandment 1. Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning. Commandment 2. If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. Commandment 3. Marriage is grand... and divorce is at least 100 grand! Commandment 4 Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen. Commandment 5. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is !!! Commandment 6. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one ! Commandment 7. Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish talking ! Commandment 8. Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife ! Commandment 9. Every woman wants a man who is handsome, understanding, economical and a considerate lover, but again, the law allows only one husband ! Commandment 10. Man is incomplete until he marries. After that, he is finished !  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-01-2005 09:43 AM                        Rated G B.B. Realizing that I'd put on a pound or two, I lamented to my husband, "I'm fat." And right on cue he said what all good husbands must: "You're not fat." To support his position, he added, "Just look around you at others, and you will see that you are not fat." But our daughter, a high schooler, saw through it: "Mom, he's grading you on the curve!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-01-2005 10:09 AM                        Rated G Bruce My wife caught a Peeping Tom last night, and she'd have killed him if we hadn't stopped her." "He must have made her very angry, peeking at her. "No, that's not what made her the maddest." "It's not?" "No, she got mad when he reached in the window and closed the curtains."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-07-2005 01:04 PM                        Rated PG HER DIARY Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friend all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say I love you too. When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV He seemed distant and absent. Finally I decided to go to bed, about 10 minutes later he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. I decided that I could not take it anymore so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster. HIS DIARY Played a horrible game of golf today! Shot a 95. Can't putt for shit. Got laid though.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-09-2005 12:21 PM                        Rated G I had worked the night shift and at 6 a. m. called my wife. "Were you awake?" I asked. "No," she answered, her voice husky from sleep, "it's a good thing you called or I'd have been late." "You better get up and get going. You have to get the kids up too." "Kids, what kids?" she exclaimed. "Our kids," I said. There was a pause. "Who is this?" she asked. "Who are you?" I answered. "Not your wife," she replied before hanging up.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-11-2005 01:30 PM                        Rated G My husband stopped to pick our daughter up from preschool. Just as he turned off the engine, the horn started to sound, and it didn't stop. Roger got out and lifted the hood. As he was leaning over the engine, frantically searching for the means to disconnect the blaring horn, a young mother tapped him on the shoulder. At first he couldn't make out what she was saying, until she shouted, "You have to go in and get them!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-12-2005 02:14 PM                        Rated G A new father telephoned his mother-in-law from the hospital and cried, "We have twins!" When she didn't hear him clearly through the bad connection, she asked, "Could you repeat that?" "I doubt it," responded the startled father. "I'm surprised it happened the first time."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-15-2005 11:45 AM                        Rated G Sully in Lyme Short fairy Tale Once upon a time a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" She said "No" And the guy lived happily ever after. THE END  |  IP: Logged

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