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Author Topic: Husbands & Wives Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-12-2005 06:11 AM                        Rated G Uncle Bubba Question. What's the worst thing you can say to a man who complains that his wife is frigid? Answer. "No, she isn't!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-12-2005 06:18 AM                        Rated G Michele It was our second anniversary, and my husband sent me flowers at the office. He told the florist to write, "Happy Anniversary, Year Number 2," on the card. I was thrilled with the flowers, but not so pleased about the card. It read, "Happy Anniversary. You're Number 2."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-12-2005 06:22 AM                        Rated G Joyce was really embarrassed and said to her husband, "I'll never go anywhere again with you as long as I live." Mark wanted to know what he did to cause such an outburst. "You asked Mrs. Johnson how her husband was standing the heat... and he's been dead for two months!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-24-2005 01:08 PM                        Rated G B.B. Marriage is... Marriage is a ceremony that turns your dreamboat into a barge. Marriage is a mutual relationship if both parties know when to be mute. Marriage is a rest period between romances. Marriage is a trip between Niagara Falls and Reno. Marriage is an institution, but who wants to live in an institution? Marriage is better when both the husband and wife decide that what they have is better than what they are missing. Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo... Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it's not so hot. Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out. Marriage is like a violin. After the music is over, you still have the strings. Marriage is mind over matter; if the husband doesn't mind, it doesn't matter Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence. Marriage is the high sea for which no compass has yet been invented. Marriage is the mourning after the knot before. Marriage is the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license. Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy. Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of person your spouse would have really preferred. Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-24-2005 01:09 PM                        Rated G A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife turning back and forth, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday. I'd like to be six again, she replied, still looking in the mirror. On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park, the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later, they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what was it like being six again?" Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size, you dumb ass!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-10-2005 11:00 AM                        Rated G This married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor. The husband asks "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?" "Yes" she replies."He's my ex-husband and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago." That's remarkable" the husband replies. "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long." v v v v Services will be held at 2:30pm Saturday at Forever Green Mortuary.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-10-2005 02:39 PM                        Rated G Carolyn I had just got my driver's licence. We were going to go for a drive into the country, but first my husband, Henry, wanted to take a shower. To pass the time, I decided to go for a practice spin around the block. I got into the car, released the hand brake and backed down our sloping driveway into the street. There the car stopped, blocking traffic. When I couldn't get it to move, I jumped out in a panic and ran into the house for Henry. Pulling clothes over his dripping body, he dashed outside and moved the car. When he came in, I asked what the matter had been. "It would have been a good idea if you'd started it," he answered.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-11-2005 12:59 PM                        Rated G Sally After our car had been broken into for the second time in our apartment building's underground garage, my husband took matters into his own hands even though he had been told the police were periodically patrolling the area. Determined not to be a victim again, he ventured out one evening to try to catch the culprit himself. I was awakened by a knock on the door some time later. Two police officers asked me if I could identify the suspect they had apprehended in the underground garage--my husband.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-14-2005 09:35 AM                        Rated G B.B. Husband: Are you washing your hair? Wife: No, I couldn't find a washcloth, so I'm cleaning the sink with my hair. Husband: What! Another dress? Where will I get the money to pay for it? Wife: Darling, you know I'm not nosey. Man: Forget your wife. Let's go play golf. What are you, a man or a mouse? Second Man: I'm a man. My wife is afraid of mice. Wife (to husband): Hurry! Wake up! I just heard a mouse squeak. Husband: What do you want me to do? Oil it?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-16-2005 10:31 AM                        Rated G Michele In a car in the middle of Colorado a wife says to her husband: "Oh Dear,Henry! I'm sure I left the iron on. I'm afraid the house is going to burn down!" Henry: "The house will not burn down, dear." Wife:"Now, how can you make a statement like that?" Henry: "Because I forgot to turn off the water in the bathtub."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-16-2005 10:44 AM                        Rated PG Michele I feel it is my duty to warn everyone of a major problem, one that endangers lives, damages property and causes untold misery, a growing menace that can be summed up in three words: men doing laundry. At first glance, MDL may not seem like a big problem, especially to members of the female species, who generally prefer MDL to WDL. But the evidence is overwhelming, as the Bush Administration might say.MDL has resulted in millions of discolored clothes,billions of missing socks,and countless broken relationships. Wife: "Did you remember to separate the clothes before washing them?" Husband: "Yes, of course I did. I put the whites at the bottom and the colors on top." Wife: "You idiot, you were supposed to wash them separately. You obviously don't know what separation means, but trust me, you're about to find out!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-18-2005 09:37 AM                        Rated G Uncle Bubba Murphy and his wife, a middle-aged couple, went for a stroll in the park. They say down on a bench to rest. They overheard voices coming from a secluded spot. Suddenly Mrs. Murphy realized that a young man was about to propose. Not wanting to eavesdrop at such an intimate moment, she nudged her husband and whispered, "Whistle and let that young couple know that someone can hear them." Murphy said, "Whistle? Why should I whistle? Nobody whistled to warn me."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-18-2005 09:38 AM                        Rated G My wife and I, both a little hard of hearing, were watching golf on TV. I turned to my wife of some 50 years and said, "In my next life, I'm going to be rich and play all those beautiful golf courses with their great bars and dining and dancing areas." My wife quickly responded, "How will you be able to manage all that with your bad legs? You can barely walk!" "I said, '..in my next life.…'" "Oh," she said. I thought you had said, '..with my next wife...'"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-18-2005 09:54 AM                        Rated G Johnny is a man of very few words. One Sunday he went to church, but his wife, Mary, was sick and stayed home. When he returned, she asked, "Was the sermon good?" "Yup," was Johnny's brief reply. "What was it about?" Mary asked. "Sin." "And what did the Pastor say?" "He's against it."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-18-2005 10:06 AM                        Rated G A woman was complaining to the neighbour that her husband always came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him. "Take my advice," said the neighbour, "and do what I did. Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my bed, I called out, 'Is that you, Jim?' And that cured him." "Cured him!" asked the woman, "but how?" The neighbour said, "His name's Bill."  |  IP: Logged

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