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Author Topic: Husbands & Wives Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-24-2005 10:34 AM                        Rated G B.B. I found the neatest way to make my wife a more careful and defensive driver. I pointed out that if she's ever in an accident, the paper's gonna print her real age.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-26-2005 10:07 AM                        Rated G Michele Anthony and Kathy married. Anthony thought this would be a modern marriage which meant equal roles for equal partners. So, the first morning back from their honeymoon, Anthony brought Kathy breakfast in bed. Kathy wasn't impressed with his culinary skills, however. She looked disdainfully at the tray, and snorted, "A poached egg? I wanted scrambled!" Undaunted, the next morning, Anthony brought his true love a scrambled egg. Kathy wasn't having any of it. "Don't you think I like variety? I wanted poached this morning!" Determined to please Kathy, the next morning he brought his true love two eggs - one scrambled and one poached. "Here, my love... enjoy!" Kathy was furious, "You scrambled the wrong egg!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-26-2005 10:14 AM                        Rated G Michele Leaving the wedding reception the honeymoon couple hailed a cab to take them to their romantic boutique hotel in the hills. The driver wasn't too sure how to get there and said he would ask directions when they got closer. Meanwhile, the lovers couldn't wait and got down to it on the back seat. Seeing a fork in the road the driver said "I take the next turn right?" "No way, get your own," said the groom, "this one's all mine."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-27-2005 04:02 PM                        Rated G A couple goes to see a marriage counselor. The husband starts first and seems to do nothing but complain about how badly he is treated by his wife. The woman than tells the marriage counselor that her husband's complaint that he 'leads a dog's life' is probably well founded... "I mean, after all... he comes into the house with muddy feet," she says, "tracks across my clean floors, barks at nothing, growls at his food and makes himself comfortable on my best furniture!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-28-2005 09:56 AM                        Rated G Michele Most of us have a bad habit we are constantly trying to break. For me, it's biting my fingernails. One day I told my husband about my latest solution: press-on nails. "Great idea, honey," he smiled. "You can eat them straight out of the box."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-01-2005 07:12 AM                        Rated G Michael I lay there unconscious next to my wife in bed one morning, when a sudden tremendous burst of flatulence did vibrate out of my ass. The expulsion half woke me. But before I could fall back into slumber, my wife reaches for the night stand. She picks up the telephone receiver, and in a bleary voice says, "Hello?" I look over at her. She was obviously confused at the dial tone she was hearing. And then the realization hit me. She had answered my fart.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-01-2005 10:10 AM                        Rated PG Having survived my first driving lesson, I emerged from the car to come face to face with a woman standing on the pavement. "A bit nerve-wracking, was it?" she asked. "More than that," I laughed, "My instructor reeks of BO and has a bit of a wind problem. No way do I want a lesson from him again!" "I know the feeling," said the woman coolly. "I've been married to him for 20 years."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-01-2005 10:15 AM                        Rated G Dennis They say that 50% of all marriages end in divorce. That's not as bad as it sounds, considering that the other 50% end in death.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-02-2005 09:35 AM                        Rated G Sylvia A friend who lost her mate several years ago developed a friendship with a man who had also lost his spouse. They seemed a perfect match, and all their children agreed they should get married. This was their invitation: Phil, Richard, Karen and Allison and John, Matt and Steve request the honor of your presence at the marriage of their Mother and Father. Because they are combining two households, they already have at least two of everything. So please, no presents! Reception and garage sale immediately following the ceremony.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-02-2005 09:43 AM                        Rated G Michele It's 3:00 A.M. and Goldie wakes up to see her husband pacing the floor. "Morris, why can't you sleep?" she asks him. "You know our next door neighbor, Sam. I borrowed $1000 from him, and it's due tomorrow morning and I don't have the money.. I don't know what I'm going to do." Morris replies. Goldie gets out of bed and opens the window. "Sam," she shouts, and several times more, "Sam, Sam." Finally a very groggy Sam opens the window opposite her and yells back, "What, what is it...it's 3 AM, what do you want?" Goldie says, "You know the $1000 my husband owes you? He doesn't have it." She then slams the window shut and turns to Morris and says, Now you go to sleep and let Sam pace the floor."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-03-2005 07:44 AM                        Rated G The newly wed wife said to her husband when he returned from work: "I have great news for you. Pretty soon we're going to be three in this house instead of two." The husband started glowing with happiness and kissing his wife said: "Oh darling, I'm the happiest man in the world." But then she said: "I'm glad that you feel this way because tomorrow morning my mother moves in with us."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-03-2005 07:47 AM                        Rated G Harry My wife, Melissa, was planning to attend a conference and was looking at airline schedules on the Internet. As she checked different combinations of flights,she mistakenly keyed in a return time that was before the departure time, only to see this message appear on the computer screen: "Sorry, time travel is not permitted."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-06-2005 11:32 AM                        Rated PG Michele The hostess of her bridge club got a last minute call from one of the players that she was sick. Unable to get a replacement on such short notice, she drafted her husband, a mediocre player with an attitude. During the game, he got up and went to the bathroom, leaving the door ajar. Everyone listened as he urinated into the toilet. Embarrassed, his wife called out, "John, would you please close the door!" John's partner said, "Never mind, it's the first time since we started playing that I've known what the man has in his hand."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-07-2005 09:53 AM                        Rated G Michele "I'm getting a divorce," said Jack to his mate, Bill. "The wife hasn't spoken with me for six months." Bill thought for a moment and then replied,"Just make sure you know what you're doing, Jack. Wives like that are hard to find."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-07-2005 09:57 AM                        Rated G Husband to wife: "I'm feeling so depressed today." Wife: "Why, Honey?" Husband: "It's just that sometimes I feel so alone and useless." Wife: "Oh, you don't have to feel so alone. A lot of people think you're useless."  |  IP: Logged

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