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Topic: Husbands & Wives

Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)

Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001

posted 11-12-2002 08:41 PM

Rated PG

A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Would you like bacon and eggs, perhaps? A slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?" she asks.

He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of homemade soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?" she inquires.

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat.

Would he like maybe a steak and apple pie? Maybe he'd like a microwaved pizza or a tasty stir-fry that would only take a couple of minutes?

He declines. "Naw, still not hungry."

"Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)

Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001

posted 11-12-2002 08:57 PM

Rated G

A guy and a girl get married.

They get in bed on their honeymoon night.

She confesses to him, "I'm not a virgin"

He replies, "Honey, in this day and age, I couldn't expect you to be."

She says, "I was only with one other guy".

"Really", he says. "Who was it......tell me."

She does not want to tell him, but he persists.

Finally, she gives in and tells him. "Honey, I was dating Tiger Woods."

He gets up out of bed and goes to pick up the phone.

"What are you doing?" she inquires.

He says, "I'm going to call room service and get some food brought
up".

She says, "I don't want to compare you to Tiger, but he would put
down the phone and come over here and make love to me before he
ordered any food."

.......so he gets back in bed and they fool around for a few
hours. He has the best sex of his life.

They lay there for a while and he gets out of bed and picks up the phone.

"What are you doing?" she inquires.

He says, "I'm going to call room service and get some food brought
up".

She says, "Tiger would get back in bed and make love to me again."

....so he gets back in bed and they fool around some more. When they are finished, they are both laying there holding each other and relaxing.

Eventually, he gets up and goes to the phone again.

"What are you doing?" she inquires.

He says, "I'm going to call room service and get some food brought
up".

She says, "Tiger would get back in bed and make love to me again."

......once again he gets back in bed. They fool around again and
they are both laying there.

By this time, the guy is completely exhausted. He simply can't
take anymore.

He rolls himself out of the bed. His legs are in pain and his back is hurting, but he slowly makes his way to the phone again.

She says in a snide voice,"Are you going to call room service again?"

He simply replies, "No".

She asks, "Who are you calling?"

"Tiger Woods", he replies.

"Tiger!" she exclaims. Why are you calling Tiger?!"

He replies, "I need to find out what is par for this hole."

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)

Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001

posted 11-14-2002 07:13 AM

Rated G

During an attack of laryngitis I lost my voice completely for three days. To help me communicate with him, my husband devised a system of taps......

One tap meant, "Give me a kiss,"
Two taps meant "No,"
Three taps meant "Yes," and
95 taps meant "Take out the garbage."

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)

Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001

posted 11-20-2002 02:59 PM

Rated PG

Michele

A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop;with them are their 8 children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes.

When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and her eight children are able to fit in the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.

After a while the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man and says to him, "Why don't you a put a piece of rubber on the tip of your stick, that ticking sound is driving me crazy!!"

The blind man replies, "If you would have put rubber on your stick we would have been sitting in the bus, so shut up!!" [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)

Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001

posted 11-20-2002 04:47 PM

Rated PG

A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife. The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of his wife's activities.

A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it.

Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee.

"I just can't believe this," the distraught husband said.

The detective said, "What's not to believe? It's right up there on the screen!"

The husband replied, "I can't believe that my wife could be so much fun!" [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)

Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001

posted 11-22-2002 01:01 PM

Rated R Jimmy

A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings against his wife.

"Please describe," said his attorney, "the incident that first caused you to entertain suspicions as to your wife's infidelity."

"Well, I'm pretty much on the road all week," the man testified. "So naturally when I am home, I'm attentive to the wife."

"One Sunday morning," he continued, "we were in the midst of some pretty heavy lovemaking when the old lady in the apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled, 'Can't you at least stop all that racket on the weekends?'" [Eek!]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)

Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001

posted 11-24-2002 04:03 AM

Rated G

When Phil's power mower broke down,his wife Kristi kept dropping hints about getting it fixed before the grass got too tall, but the message wasn't sinking in, and Phil kept putting off the repairs.

Finally,she thought of a clever way to make her point.When Phil arrived at home one day,he found her sittingin the grass,clipping it by hand with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

He watched silently for a few minutes, then went into the house. Coming back in a few minutes,he handed her a toothbrush.

"When you finish cutting the grass,you might as well sweep the sidewalks." [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)

Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001

posted 11-25-2002 09:16 AM

Rated G

Frank

Prior to our getting married, my future bride and I, had to go to a marriage consultation with the preacher who was to marry us.

One of the many questions he asked was," Any prior marriages?"

I answered,"Yes, two."

He then asked me," And how did they end?"

To which I replied,"The first one died of breast cancer at forty-five years of age, and the second one died of cancer of the lymph nodes at age forty five."

He said,"OK", then turned to my future bride, looked her square in the eye and asked,"Are you sure you want to marry this man?" [Confused]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)

Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001

posted 11-25-2002 09:42 AM

Rated PG

Oh, CRISCO!!

An elderly gentleman was wandering about in asupermarket calling out at intervals, "Crisco, oh Cris-co."

Finally, a store clerk, standing nearby, approached the old man and said, "Sir, the Crisco is in aisle five."

"Oh," replied the old gentleman, I'm not looking for cooking Crisco, I am calling my wife."

Astonished, the clerk asks, "Your wife is named Crisco?"

"Nah," the man answered, "it is only a nickname. I only call her that when we come to the supermarket."

"Oh, I see. And what do you call her when you are not in the supermarket?"

"Lard Ass !" [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)

Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001

posted 11-25-2002 04:52 PM

Rated G

An absent-minded husband thought he had conquered his problem of trying to remember his wife's birthday and their anniversary. He opened an account with a florist, provided that florist with the dates and instructions to send flowers to his wife on these
dates along with an appropriate note signed, "Your loving husband."

His wife was thrilled by this new display of attention and all went well until one day, many bouquets later, when he came home, kissed his wife and said off-handedly, "Nice flowers, honey. Where'd you get
them?" [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)

Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001

posted 11-26-2002 12:17 PM

Rated R

Keeping Myself Pure!

A fellow in a bar notices a woman,always alone,come in on a fairly regular basis.After the second week,he made his move.

"No thank you."she said politely."This may sound rather odd in this day and age,but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love."

"That must be rather difficult."the man replied.

"Oh,I don't mind too much."she said."But,it has my husband pretty upset."

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)

Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001

posted 11-27-2002 02:09 PM

Rated G

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned
on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it
starts."

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.

When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer.It's
gonna start."

This time she looked a little angry, but brought himma beer.

When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."

"That's it!" She explodes - "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop
your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to
run around like your slave. Who do you think you are? I don't need
this, you know! Why do I put up with this - with you - augh!!
Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day
long?"

The husband sighed. "It's started." [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)

Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001

posted 12-09-2002 10:07 AM

Rated R

Vito and Juliana were having their usual battle of the sexes.
"Italian men are all stupid animales," screamed Juliana.

"Oh, yeah?" yelled her husband. "I'll have you know it was an Italian man who invented the toilet seat, you stupid Guinea bitch!"

"And I'll have you know, you dumb Calabrase" said his wife, "it was an Italian woman who thought to put a hole in it!" [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)

Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001

posted 12-09-2002 08:17 PM

Rated PG

QUICKIE

"You know Joe, I made love to my wife last night for the first time in two months!"

"Two months?! That's a long time! I'm really glad to hear that things are better for you and your wife."

"Well... actually we almost made love."

"ALMOST?! How can you ALMOST make love?"

"Well, I found out afterwards that my wife was just using me to time an egg." [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)

Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001

posted 12-10-2002 07:35 AM

Rated G

"My wife caught a Peeping Tom last night, and she'd have killed him if I hadn't stopped her."

"He must have made her very angry, peeking at her,huh?"

"No, that's not what made her the maddest."

"It's not?"

"No, she got mad when he reached in the window and closed the curtains." [Big Grin]

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