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Author Topic: Husbands & Wives Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-24-2002 12:49 PM                        Rated G Wife to husband: "This Christmas let's give each other sensible gifts, like ties and fur coats."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-24-2002 06:26 PM                        Rated G "Tell me," John asked Jill on their wedding night, "am I the first man you ever slept with?" "No," said Jill as she shook her head. "I'd have recognized you when we met."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-26-2002 08:47 AM                        Rated G The young couple invited their aged parson for Sunday dinner.While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having. "Goat," Little Johnny replied. "Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?" "Yep," said Johnny "I heard Pa say to Ma, 'Might as well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day.'"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-26-2002 09:36 AM                        Rated G A husband and wife were watching the news on television: The latest on the war against terrorism; the videos of different countries around the world crying with Americans over the events of the past few months;reporters updating and attempting to analyze political strategy; President Bush making speeches. The wife turns to the husband and says, "I'm so thankful that Bush is our President. He is doing such a wonderful job." The husband turns to the wife and says, "Shut up, Tipper!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-26-2002 10:56 AM                        Rated G Last week my wife and I purchased a new computer. We ran into some difficulties while setting it up so we decided to call the customer support phone number we found in the manual. I picked up the phone and called the number. A man answered the phone and I explained the problem to him. He began rattling off computer jargon. This confused us even more. "Sir," I said politely,"Can you explain what I should do as if I were a small child?" "Okay," the computer support guy said, "Son, could you please put your mommy on the phone?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-26-2002 11:07 AM                        Rated PG Jim and Eileen got married early in December and had invited their parents round to share their first Christmas dinner together. Christmas Eve arrived and Jim announced his intention of going out for a drink 'with the lads' in order to keep out of his wife's way while she prepared the all-important meal. "Not that you have much to do," he said. "I've plucked and stuffed the turkey. All you have to do is kill it and put it in the oven."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-28-2002 09:03 PM                        Rated PG My husband and I were invited to a party,and each couple brought a dish.When it came time to serve dessert,the person who prepared it said the recipe was called "Better Than Sex Cake." After my husband tasted it,he blurted out,"I sure feel sorry for the person who named this dessert.";D  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-02-2003 08:12 AM                        Rated G When Kevin came home,his wife,Liz,was crying. "Your mother insulted me,"Liz sobbed. "My mother?How could she do that when she is on vacation on the other side of the world?"Kevin asked. "I know.But this morning a letter addressed to you arrived.I opened it because I was curious." "And?" "At the end of the letter it said,'PS.Dear Liz,when you havefinished reading this letter,don't forget to give it to my son.'"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-02-2003 08:16 AM                        Rated G HERB: I met my wife at a dance. HECTOR: How romantic! What was the first thing you said to her? HERB: "I thought you were at home with our kids!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-02-2003 04:41 PM                        Rated G When your wife says, "Well, what do you think?" she is not asking for YOUR opinion. She is asking for HER opinion, from your mouth.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-02-2003 05:34 PM                        Rated G My brother and his wife went with my wife, who was lucky to weigh 98 pounds soaking wet,and I to Wal-Mart to do some shopping. When we got there,my brother and I wanted to go look in the auto and sporting goods section while they went to the lingerie section. Well,they insisted that we stay with them because they didn't want to have to try to find us when they were done shopping. Finally we agreed and went with them to the lingerie dept. My brother and I waited at one end of the aisle, while they made their way slowly down to the other end looking at every item along the way. When they got to the other end,I picked up a pair of size 10 panties and held them up stretched wide. As loud as I could I hollered,"Honey, did you say size 10,hell these would fit me." Needless to say, they found us later in the auto section.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-03-2003 10:36 AM                        Rated G Cold Hard Cash A woman's husband asked her what she wanted for her birthday. She thought for a moment and said, "This year I just want cold, hard cash for a change." The following day her husband filled her request.He put $20 in nickels,dimes and quarters into a quart jar,then filled it with water and placed it in the freezer. On her birthday he handed his wife a solidly frozen bottle of change.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-03-2003 11:14 AM                        Rated PG An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending all his time at the pub, so one night he took her along. "What'll ya have?" he asked. "Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one go. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out."Yuck, it's nasty poison!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!" "Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-05-2003 10:27 AM                        Rated R Going for the Gold A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made. 'Olympic condoms?' she blurts. 'What makes them so special?' 'There are three colors', he replies, 'Gold, Silver and Bronze.' 'What color are you going to wear tonight?' she asks cheekily. 'Gold of course,' says the man proudly. The wife responds, 'Really, why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!'  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-05-2003 10:31 AM                        Rated R Going for the Gold A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made. 'Olympic condoms?' she blurts. 'What makes them so special?' 'There are three colors', he replies, 'Gold, Silver and Bronze.' 'What color are you going to wear tonight?' she asks cheekily. 'Gold of course,' says the man proudly. The wife responds, 'Really, why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!'  |  IP: Logged

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