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Author Topic: Husbands & Wives Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-23-2003 09:35 AM                        Rated R Joe was not a very romantic person, and furthermore he was rather stupid. But he wanted to impress his wife, so he took her out for an anniversary dinner and watched the couples around them, following their leads. He observed the couple next to him. The man lifted a sugar shaker s his wife's cup and said, "Sugar, sugar?" Joe thought this was great and continued to listen around the dining room. Another table over, Joe observed the following. A man spooned out some honey out of a bowl for his wife and asked, "Honey, honey?" Again Joe thought this was good stuff. He thought about this for a moment and finally, he cut off a piece of his meat, stared longingly into his young wife's eyes and said, "Ham, pig?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-23-2003 10:26 AM                        Rated G A Guy goes to the gates of heaven where he meets St. Peter. St. Peter says to him "God has looked at your book of life and you are welcome in heaven under one condition" The man say "What's that?" St. Peter says "You must spell the word 'Love'." So he does and he is let in to heaven. As he gets in, St. Peter's beeper goes off. He tells the man to watch the gate until he returns, and reminds him that he must ask whoever comes to spell the word. Next thing you know, his wife shows up at the gate and he asks her what she is doing there? She says that on the way home from the funeral, there was an accident and she died. The husband says alright, but you do have to spell one word first before you come in to heaven. She asks "What's that?" He says "Spell Czechoslovakia"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-24-2003 09:49 AM                        Rated G When my husband and I showed up at a very popular restaurant,it was crowded.I went up to the hostess and asked, "Will it be long?" The hostess,ignoring me,kept writing in her book.I asked again, "How much of a wait?" The woman looked up from her book and said, "About ten minutes." A short time later, we heard an announcement over the loudspeaker: "Willette B. Long, your table is ready."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-24-2003 03:08 PM                        Rated PG John calls Jill from work and says he will be home by 5 PM and hopes that dinner will be on the table when he gets there. He arrives home and enters the kitchen and sees a package of pasta,jar of sauce,and can of vegetables on the kitchen table. "Jill, I specifically called you from work to let you know when I would be home. Where is my dinner?" "Dinner IS on the table, John. It's just not prepared."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-25-2003 07:33 PM                        Rated G Jones, who had been away on an extended trip, had very romantic plans for his first night home. He broached them to his wife, who promptly said, "Oh, I'm sorry, dear, but I've got to do all of this laundry. Another time, please." The next night Jones tried again, and his wife said, "Oh my, I would like to dear, but it wouldn't be any good. I've got this terrible headache. Please give me a rain check." By the third night, Jones was rather impatient. "How about it?" he said urgently. Whereupon, Mrs. Jones snapped, "This is the third night in a row you've asked. What are you? Some kind of a sex maniac?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-25-2003 08:04 PM                        Rated G Lorraine The formula for a happy marriage? It's the same as the one for living in California: "When you find a fault, don't dwell on it."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-28-2003 01:11 PM                        Rated G Sue Bee A lady was taking her time browsing through everything at a yard sale and said to the hostess, "My husband is going to be very angry when he finds out I stopped at a yard sale." "I'm sure he'll understand when you tell him about all the bargains," the hostess replied. "Normally, yes," the lady said. "But he just broke his leg, and he's waiting for me to take him to the hospital to have it set."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-29-2003 07:14 AM                        Rated G My husband and I stopped at a sporting-goods store famous for its huge once-a-year sale.Seven months pregnant at the time, I caught the attention of a reporter covering the event. When he asked me what we were looking for,I patted my stomach and said we needed a new tent for our growing family. Then the reporter turned to my distracted husband: "Is this your first?" "Uh, no," he replied. "We have another tent at home."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-29-2003 09:22 AM                        Rated G This man was in a store looking completely lost and running from one end of the floor to the other, he is so preoccupied he bumps into another man behaving in the same way. The first man says: "Sorry Sir, my mind is somewhere else, I am looking for my wife." The second man replies:" So am I looking for my wife. What does your wife look like." The man answers: "Her name is Emmanuelle, she is blonde, blue eyes, 5'10", her blond hair falls down to her shoulders, she is wearing a mini skirt, white transparent blouse with a black bra made of lace, and she is well-endowed. Your wife what does she look like?" The other man says:"Forget my wife, lets look for yours!"....  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-29-2003 02:22 PM                        Rated X The bride tells her husband,"Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex.Can you explain it to me first?" "OK, Sweetheart.Putting it simply,we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is:put the prisoner in the prison. And then they made love for the first time. Afterwards,the guy is lying face up on the bed,smiling with satisfaction. Nudging him,his bride giggles,"Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped." Turning on his side,he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him." After the second time they spent,they guy reaches for his cigarettes. But the girl,thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile,"Honey,the prisoner is out again!" The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal.Afterwards,he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted. She nudges him and says,"Honey, the prisoner escaped again." Limply turning his head,He YELLS at her,"Hey, it's not life imprisonment!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-29-2003 02:28 PM                        Rated G ** Signs You Are Married to a Cop ** When an argument starts.....he calls for backup. Refers to the bedroom as "The Pokey." Calls passing gas the "silent alarm." Has a secret desire to see you in a Kevlar nightie. Lots of references to the "old night stick." Never hear him say "Oh man.....not donuts again!" Refers to his winkie as the "Breathalyzer" Stops you during lovemaking to ask if you know how fast you were going. Handcuffs don't turn him on anymore. Yes, that is a gun in his pocket!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-29-2003 02:40 PM                        Rated G A husband and his wife are driving through a national park when they hit a skunk. Being scared that they would get in trouble they got out and put the skunk in the car. Soon after a park ranger gets behind them. The wife asks,"What should I do with it?" The husband replies,"Put it up your dress." She asks, "What about the smell?" He answers, "Plug its nose!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-30-2003 09:08 AM                        Rated G I was sitting here Watching my hubby play pool The other night It was his turn to break So he took his turn Did not sink any balls. His comment to that was.... "Talk about a womans shot" Well,now how would you women take that comment??? Exactly...so when I asked him what he meant? He said... "All bust...No balls  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-05-2003 08:18 AM                        Rated G George went to his friend's house and asked to be put up for the night because he had a fight with his wife. "What happened?" the friend asked. "When I got home tonight I was really beat,tired as a dog.So when she asked me for fifty bucks for a new dress,I guess I must have been half asleep or something,because I said,'All right,but let's finish the dictation first.'"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-06-2003 01:48 PM                        Rated G The other day I needed to call home,but the only pay phone I could find was in use.So I stood to the side to politely wait until it was free,thinking it would only be a couple of minutes. Five minutes went by, and still the man was on the phone.He was just standing there,not saying a word.Two minutes later,he was still not talking. Finally, I tapped him on the shoulder and asked if I could use the phone.I really wouldn't be long, but needed to make an important call. "Hold your horses," he responded, covering the receiver. "I'm talking to my wife."  |  IP: Logged

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