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Author Topic: Husbands & Wives Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-25-2003 06:54 AM                        Rated G : Sue Bee It was the morning after the consummation of the marriage of two senior citizens.The new bride awoke purring.Hearing her husband running water in the bathroom,she said,"Did you just brush your teeth?" The husband answered,"Yes, dear.And while I was at it,I brushed yours too."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-25-2003 09:30 AM                        Rated G Q. What's the definition of irreconcilable differences? A. When she's melting down her wedding ring to cast it into a bullet.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-26-2003 11:51 AM                        Rated PG New Sex Study... It has been determined,the most used sexual position for married couples is a doggie position. The husband sits up and begs. The wife rolls over and plays dead...  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-26-2003 12:21 PM                        Rated PG The scene was a tiny mountain village in a remote section of West Virginia. An old mountaineer and his young wife were getting a divorce in the local court. But custody of the children was a problem. The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them. The old mountaineer also wanted custody of the children. The judge asked for his side of the story and, after a long moment of silence, the mountaineer slowly rose from his chair and said, "Judge, when I put a quarter in a candy machine and a candy bar comes out, does it belong to me or the machine?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-26-2003 03:35 PM                        Rated G Sue Bee My husband's skills with do-it-yourself home repairs are at best mediocre. After spending several evenings trying to fix a leak in the bathroom, he finally admitted defeat and called a plumber, who finished the job in ten minutes. Watching him put away hisequipment, my son asked what had been the problem. "Well," the plumber replied, "seems that your father got hold of some tools. . . ."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-27-2003 10:18 PM                        Rated PG Alex A personal guide to what men should say when caught looking at another woman by their wife or girlfriend. * I can't believe that outfit she is wearing.(Said disdainfully) * Look at that guy... over there... behind the woman. * I think that's a man dressed as a woman. (Incredulous) * Isn't that the actress from the movie Delicatessen? (Chances are she hasn't seen that movie- and neither have you, but you will get brownie points naming a foreign film, and it will be just obtuse enough to distract her.) * I think that's the girl I knew from high school who eventually joined a convent (or was committed to an asylum) and turned out to be a real nut case. * Help me, I got something in my eye... can't see a thing! * I was staring off into space because I was about to have an epiphany about the direction of my life and the nature of my love for you, but its gone now, thank you very much! * Hey that's the loser I dumped in order to go out with you. Boy am I glad I ever got away from her. What a moron. * I was just thinking how I felt sorry for her - since she can never hold a candle to you (this one might only get you punched, but its worth a try). * Do you think she's prettier than me? (Give her a taste of her own medicine)  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-01-2003 08:28 PM                        Rated G Wife to husband: "I'll let you explain to your son why his sister can have training bras but he can't have training condoms."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-10-2003 04:20 PM                        Rated G Steve in the "Big Apple" After several disastrous attempts to synchronize his own and his wife's libido with the delayed-action effects of Viagra,Tom the Bus Driver was delighted to hear about a new product called Now!-Agra.Each pill came with strict instructions;'To be taken only immediately before sex'. So Tom phoned his wife - who was equally hungry for some satisfactory action - and arranged to be home by six that evening.Whilst he was finishing his day's work she had a long soak in luxurious bubble bath,listened to her favorite records, and was truly relaxed and ready when the clock struck six. When he wasn't home by eight she was really teed off, and by nine she was beginning to worry... Tom came home sheepishly at ten,looking absolutely shattered. "What happened?" "Well, I got back to the depot on time and the Inspector asked me to park the bus at the back of the garage. I thought a few minutes wouldn't make any difference so I said yes. Then I took out the pill, and somehow, after all our other problems, I thought I ought to give it time to 'kick in'. So I took it there and then..." "And..." "And I've only just managed to get out from under the steering wheel..."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-11-2003 11:03 AM                        Rated G ...Patsey in Atlanta You know, there were very few things that upset my exhusband. It makes me feel rather special to be one of them.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-13-2003 09:33 AM                        Rated R ..........Sue Bee When Abner first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer,he was delighted,as was his wife.But,after several weeks,his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches. Abner became quite concerned. Abner was having problems dressing and even walking,so he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.After an initial examination,the physician explained to the couple that,though rare,Abner's condition could be fixed through corrective surgery. How long will Abner be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously. Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor. Well," said the wife coldly, "you're planning to lengthen Abner's legs, aren't you"?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-18-2003 05:55 PM                        Rated G Judy in Carnarse "So," the woman asked the detective she had hired, "did you trail my husband?" "Yes ma'am. I did. I followed him to a bar, to an out of the way restaurant and then to an apartment." A big smile crossed the woman's face,"Aha!! Then I've got him!" she said, gloating." Is there any doubt what he was doing?" "No ma'am." replied the sleuth, [b]"It's pretty clear that he was following you!"[b]/  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-19-2003 07:56 AM                        Rated R A couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about an African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When males reach a certain age, a string is tied around their penises and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches. Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked down at him and said,"How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?" The husband agreed and they tied a string and weight to his penis. A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?" "Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied. "Wow, you've grown to 12 inches??" "No...it's turned black."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-19-2003 03:08 PM                        Rated G Already the Mother of two rambunctious boys, the husband was thrilled when the doctor announced they were going to have twins this time.He told his wife that she should start thinking of names. "Well, let's see." she said. "We already have Adolph and Rudolph. How about Getoff and Stayoff ?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-23-2003 05:44 PM                        Rated R A Painful Case of Auto Eroticism London A tiny sports car leaves a lot to be desired as a midnight trysting spot two secret lovers have learned. Wedged into a two- seater, a near-naked man was suddenly immobilized by a slipped disc,trapping his woman companion beneath him,according to a doctor writing in a medical journal here. The desperate woman tried to summon help by honking the horn with her foot.A doctor,ambulanceman,firemen and a group of passers-by quickly surrounded the couple's car in Regents Park. "The lady found herself trapped beneath 200 pounds of pain-racked, immobile man." said Dr. Brian Richards. ' "To free the couple, firemen had to cut away the car frame," he added. The distraught woman helped out of the car and into a coat, sobbed, "'How am I going to explain to my husband what has happened to his car?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-24-2003 08:03 AM                        Rated G Louis was talking to his friend Max. "There's nothing I wouldn't do for my Becky," he said, "and there's nothing Becky wouldn't do for me. And that's how we go through life - doing nothing for each other."  |  IP: Logged

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