my profile | my password | search | faq & rules | forum home

» Film-Tech Forum ARCHIVE   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » Husbands & Wives (Page 40)

This topic comprises 94 pages: 1  2  3  ...  37  38  39  40  41  42  43  ...  92  93  94

Author Topic: Husbands & Wives Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-22-2003 07:25 AM                        Rated G Bernie says to his wife Sarah, "Let's go out tonight,darling and have some fun." Sarah replies,"OK, but if you get home before I do, please leave the light in the hall on."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-22-2003 07:28 AM                        Rated G Molly and Abe had just left a party and Molly was driving them home. She makes a few turns and then is on a street that is headed down hill when she realizes her brakes are not working. Molly is pressing the brake pedal as hard as she can, but to no avail. The car continues to gather speed. "Oy Vey," she wails, "Abe, what should I do, what should I do?" "For God's sake," Abe screams. "Hit something cheap!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-25-2003 08:00 AM                        Rated G Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. A second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-25-2003 08:02 AM                        Rated G Michele A man and his wife are watching a championship boxing match on TV. Early in the second round,one of the fighters goes down for the count.The husband sighs and says,"I'm so disappointed.It was all over in four minutes!" The wife replies,"Good.Now you know how I feel." [ 04-28-2003, 07:31 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-28-2003 07:30 AM                        Rated G Morty arrives home from work and as soon as he sets foot in the house, Sadie is on to him, telling him that their friend Marvin has finally quit smoking. "Imagine that, Morty," she says, "someone who smoked 3 packs a day for 20 years has stopped smoking all of a sudden. Now that's what I call will power - something that you definitely don't have." But Sadie hadn't finished. "And that's not all. I hear that Bernie, that drunken friend of yours, is finally giving up drinking - another example of the kind of will power that you don't have." "OK, Sadie," said Morty, "you want to see will power, do you? Well here's will power. I am going to sleep in the spare room from now on. I am going to prove to you that I won't be affected at all by not sleeping with a woman." Morty keeps to his word. One night, when he had been sleeping alone for a week, there is a knock on his bedroom door. Morty shouts out, "What do you want?" Sadie replies, "Marvin has started smoking again."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-28-2003 09:15 AM                        Rated G It's the yahrtzeit of Bernie Gold's death and Sadie,his widow, goes to the cemetery to clean his grave,read a prayer and then place a small stone on the marble,as is the tradition,to show that the deceased is remembered. But because she hadn't visited his grave for some years,Sadie cannot find Bernie's resting place and has to ask an attendant for help. He escorts her to the cemetery office where all the records are kept. He made her a cup of coffee and then spent time looking at maps and lists.After 30 minutes,he finally turns to Sadie andsays, "I can find no record of a Bernie Gold buried at this cemetery. Are you sure he is here? All I can find is the grave of Sadie Gold" "That's him!" Sadie shouts out. "Bernie always put everything in my name  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-29-2003 10:21 AM                        Rated R Spaghetti: A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years. One night,during one of their rendezvous,she confided in him that she was pregnant.Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage,he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child,he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet,he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back.He would then arrange for child support payments to begin. One day,about 9 months later,he came home to his confused wife. "Honey", she said, "you received a strange post card today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it",he said.The wife obeyed,and watched as her husband read the card, turned white and fainted.On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-29-2003 04:06 PM                        Rated G Getting away from their high-stress jobs,a couple spends relaxing weekends in their motor home.When they found their peace and quiet disturbed by well-meaning,but unwelcome,visits from other campers,they devised a plan to assure themselves some privacy. Now,when they set up camp, they place this sign on the door of their RV: "Insurance agent.Ask about our term-life package."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-29-2003 04:33 PM                        Rated G Have you ever noticed that retired couples have reached a level ofmaturity where they never have any of those piddling little quarrels that other people do? They have one big argument that starts at seven in the morning and goes right through till bedtime.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-01-2003 11:00 AM                        Rated G Couples who have lived together a long time have their own way of communicating.A woman overheard her aunt and uncle one day: "What are you looking for in that closet?" she asked. "Nothing," he answered. "Well,it's not in there.Look under the bed."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-04-2003 03:52 PM                        Rated G My husband went on a sudden business trip,and I accompanied him. It soon became apparent that he could not wrap things up in one day,so his employer put us up for the night in a luxury hotel. We found a convenience store and purchased toothbrushes,a razor and other necessary items. Finally we entered the lobby of the hotel, each of us toting a brown paper bag filled with supplies. The hotel manager looked us over. Raising an eyebrow, he intoned haughtily,"Matched luggage?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-06-2003 05:44 AM                        Rated G : Sue Bee My wife and I get along just great, except that she's a "backseat driver" second to none.After years of putting up with her pestering,I finally decided I'd had enough and advised her that I would no longer drive with her in the car. Later that day,on my way home from doing some Christmas shopping at the mall,I heard my cell phone ring as I was merging onto a freeway.It was my wife calling. By chance,she had entered the freeway right behind me. "Honey," she said,"your turn signal is still on.And put on your lights;it's starting to rain."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-06-2003 08:05 AM                        Rated G The young husband was tired of his wife's inability to make a decision about anything. "All you ever do is procrastinate." She replied, "Oh yeah? Just you wait and see."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-06-2003 11:33 AM                        Rated R The wife coyly tried to explain her purchase of a new pair of expensive imported panties. "After all, dear," she said to her husband, "you wouldn't expect to find fine perfume in a cheap bottle, would you?" "No," her husband replied. "Nor would I expect to find gift wrapping on a dead beaver."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-07-2003 06:44 AM                        Rated Sue Bee It's my wife's birthday tomorrow.Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present. "Oh,I don't know," she said."Just give me something with diamonds." That's why I'm giving her a pack of playing cards.  |  IP: Logged

All times are Central (GMT -6:00)

This topic comprises 94 pages: 1  2  3  ...  37  38  39  40  41  42  43  ...  92  93  94

Printer-friendly view of this topic

Hop To: Select a Forum: Category: Operations -------------------- Digital Cinema Forum Film Handlers' Forum Large Format Forum Ground Level Feature Info, Trailer Attachments & REAL Credit Offsets Category: Community -------------------- Film-Yak Film Handlers' Movie Reviews The Afterlife Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon Category: Classified -------------------- Equipment and Supplies Wanted/For Sale Help Wanted/Seeking Employment Category: System -------------------- Software Beta Testing Forum

The Film-Tech Forums are designed for various members related to the cinema industry to express their opinions, viewpoints and testimonials on various products, services and events based upon speculation, personal knowledge and factual information through use, therefore all views represented here allow no liability upon the publishers of this web site and the owners of said views assume no liability for any ill will resulting from these postings. The posts made here are for educational as well as entertainment purposes and as such anyone viewing this portion of the website must accept these views as statements of the author of that opinion and agrees to release the authors from any and all liability.