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Author Topic: Husbands & Wives Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-06-2003 01:51 PM                        Rated G A couple was relating their vacation experiences to a friend. "It sounds as if you had a great time in Texas," the friend observed. "But didn't you tell me you were planning to visit Colorado?" "Well," the husband said, "we changed our plans because, uh..." His wife cut in, "Oh, tell the truth, Fred!" He fell silent and she continued,"You know, it's just ridiculous.Fred simply will not ask for directions."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-07-2003 03:41 PM                        Rated G Sue Bee Choir Practice Joe's wife likes to sing. She decided to join the church choir. From time to time she would practice while she was in the kitchen preparing dinner. Whenever she would start in on a song,Joe would head outside to the porch. His wife,with hurt feelings,said,"What's the matter,Joe?Don't you like my singing?" Joe replied,"Honey,I love your singing,but I just want to make sure the neighbors know I'm not beating you."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-07-2003 03:43 PM                        Rated R Michele What's the definition of a great salesman? A really great salesman is one who can actually make his wife feel sorry for the girl who lost her panties and bra in his car.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-08-2003 11:25 AM                        Rated G The tensions of life were threatening to get a strangle hold on Bob, and after he'd finished a good dinner,he relaxed mindlessly in a soft chair next to the stereo, with a stiff drink in his hand. His wife knew nothing of his nervous state,and she climbed onto his lap with the thought of trying to wheedle a fur coat out of him, and snuggled and murmured and fondled. "Good heavens, Ethel," he exploded, "get off of me! I get enough of this at the office."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-08-2003 02:25 PM                        Rated G Sign on husband's desk: "Things To Do Today:" 1) Get organized. 2) Talk to wife. 3) Get reorganized.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-09-2003 07:24 AM                        Rated PG Just Hold me I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men & women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Mars & Venus thing. And, I never have figured out why men think with their heads and women with their hearts. And, I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do." One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT??" So she says the words that I and every husband on the planet dread. She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. I'm thinking, "What was her first clue?" I finally realize that nothing is going to happen that night, so I went to bed. The very next day we went shopping at a big unnamed department store...I walked around while she tried on three very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three of them. She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200 each to which I say OK. And then we go to the Jewellery Dept. where she gets a set of diamond earrings. Let me tell you ...she was so excited. She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don't think she cared. I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she doesn't even play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK to buy it. She was almost sexually excited from all of this and you should have seen her face when she said, "I'm ready to go, let's go to the cash register." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, honey. I don't feel like buying all this stuff now." You should have seen her face ... it went completely blank. I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man." I figure that I should be having sex again sometime during the spring thaw.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-10-2003 04:02 PM                        Rated G A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home.In the den was a stuffed lion.The visiting hunter asked,"when did you bag him?" The host said, "that was three years ago, when I went hunting with my wife." "What's he stuffed with," asked the visiting hunter. "My wife."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-18-2003 09:24 AM                        Rated G Bernie had a fight with Rachel, his wife, and went tothe movies to cool off. Later that evening,he decided to phone home to see what the situation was and maybe even apologize. "Hello, darling," he said, "what are you making for dinner?" "What am I making for dinner? After all the horriblethings you said to me earlier, you want to know what I am making for dinner?? Poison, that's what I'm making, poison." Bernie replies, "Okay then, just make one portion, I'm not coming home."  |  IP: Logged Pete Wolla Film Handler Posts: 71 From: Tioga, ND, USA Registered: Jan 2003 posted 02-18-2003 06:27 PM                     ole is having trouble in the bedroom.lena convinces him to visit a doctor.ole shows up for his appointment.the nurse shows him to the examining and tells him to strip down . the dr. comes in and notices ole is overweight.the dr says ole you need to diet . ole says to the dr. what color  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-20-2003 12:19 PM                        Rated PG A husband suspects his wife is having an affair with a pilot but she keeps denying it until finally the husband knew when his wife said:"Honey, if I've told you once, I've told you nine thousand times, negative on the affair......"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-20-2003 12:25 PM                        Rated G Janine Molly:Honey, there will soon be three people in this house. Monty: You've made me so happy! Molly:My mother is moving in tomorrow morning.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-20-2003 12:34 PM                        Rated G A man went to the mall this last week to buy Valentines' cards for his daughter and mother. The 50 feet of displays for hundreds of cards astounded him. He muttered out loud, "I wonder if they have anything for ex-wives." The clerk behind the counter said, "Oh, yes sir, they do have an 'ex' category, but they're in Sporting Goods." "Really?" "Yes sir. They're called darts."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-22-2003 12:43 PM                        Rated G : Lorraine A young man came home from the office and found his bride sobbing convulsively. "I feel terrible," she told him. "I was pressing your suit and I burned a big hole in the seat of your trousers." "Forget it," consoled her husband. "Remember that I've got an extra pair of pants for that suit." "Yes, and it's lucky you have," said the woman, drying her eyes."I used them to patch the hole."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-24-2003 10:01 AM                        Rated G Sue Bee My wife and I were dining out at a nice restaurant.I overheard the couple at the next table discussing their bill. "Well Mary," said the man, "Near as I can figure, based of the price of the ham dinner you just ate,we got a hog back on the farm worth at least $137,000."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-24-2003 10:09 AM                        Rated G :)Lorraine My husband and I both look very young for our ages.In fact, we've hardly aged a day since we first laid eyes on each other in college -- at least, that's what we tell each other. Our children have a way of bringing us crashing back to earth. Recently, my husband and I were discussing a man who was running for public office. "He's a Vietnam Vet," commented my husband. "What's that?" queried our young daughter. Trying to answer the question in terms a four-year-old could readily grasp, my husband replied, "Well, Honey, that means that the man fought in a war that happened when Mommy and Daddy were little." Our daughter regarded us both thoughtfully for a moment, then asked"So, was he a Viking?"  |  IP: Logged

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