The Polish couple`s sex life was terrible, so they went out and bought a black market copy of a sexmanual.

"Honey,I want to eat your pussy like it says in the book, but it smells so bad. Why don`t you go out and buy some of that feminine deodorant spray?"

She agreed.

An hour later, she returned, all excited."You should see the flavors they have," she told her husband. "Strawberry, cherry, banana........"

"What did you get?" he interrupted.

The highly religious young man entered his wedding chamber and was shocked to find his new young bride awaiting him, spread-eagled and naked on their bed.

"My dear!" he exclaimed, "I expected to find you beside our bed and on your knees!"

"OK," she said, obediently changing positions, "but I always get the hiccups when I screw in that position...."

A woman opened the door of a building and was about to step outside when she heard a voice saying, "Don't take that next step or you'll regret it." She paused and a brick came crashing to the pavement right where she would have been standing. She looked around and there was no one nearby.

The next day this woman was about to step into the street when she
heard this same voice say, "Don't take that next step or you'll regret
it." As she paused a truck came racing by and smashed into a nearby vehicle.

She knew if she hadn't listened to that voice she would have been hurt badly, or maybe even killed. She looked behind her and there was no one nearby. "All right," she said, "Who
\are you ?"

"I'm your guardian angel," the voice replied.

"Oh, if that's the case," the woman said, "Where were you on my wedding day?"

When I offered my assistance, he mentioned that his new wife was a fish fancier.

After I showed him around, he shouted, "There she is! That's the one I'll take."

As I scooped out the large sluggish goldfish with a gray splotch at the top of its head, the man exclaimed, "My bride will love this!

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."

The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph. She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you."

Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases.

She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.

She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 80 mph.

She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"

The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."

She asks, "Really? What's that?"

You know it's going to be a bad day when:

An angry husband was complaining to his friend about his slovenly wife. "She never does any housework, I never get a cooked meal, everything's dirty, including her. I'm so fed up I sleep on my own and I wish she was dead."

The friend suggested that he try killing her with sex. It wasn't an offense, after all.

So the man returned home, dragged his wife upstairs and kept her there the whole weekend. By the time Monday morning came he could hardly drag himself to work, but when he came home that night the house was spotless, a steak was cooking and she was standing there with a sexy see-through nightie on.

The next day, a guy from the electric company rings the doorbell, because the young couples haven't paid their last bill, "Are you Mrs. Smith? You're a month overdue, you know!"

"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman."

"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the man from the electric company.

"What are you saying? It's in your files?????"

"Absolutely."

"Well, let me talk to my husband about this tonight."

That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to the electric company offices the next morning.

"What's going on here? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?"

"Just calm down," says the clerk, "it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us."

"PAY you? and if I refuse?"

"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut you off."

"And what would my wife do then?"

A man pacing back and forth glanced at his watch and
yelled upstairs to his wife, "Honey, are you ready yet?"

Shouting back, the woman replies, "For crying out loud,
I've been telling you for the last half hour that I'll
be ready in a minute!"

An older couple got married and went on a cruise for their honeymoon.

The first night when they went to their stateroom, they discovered they had bunk beds.

The old guy looked at his new bride and asked "Up or down?".

She threw him down and made love to him all night long. This went on the entire time.

When they got back home and went upstairs for the night the old guy looked at his wife and asked "Up or down?"

She asked what he was talking about.

He said when I asked you that on our honeymoon, you made love to me all night long.

She said "Oh, I forgot my hearing aid.

A widow recently married to a widower was accosted by a friend who laughingly remarked, "I suppose, like all men who have been married before, your husband sometimes talks about his first wife?"

"Oh, not any more, he doesn't," the other replied.

"What stopped him?"

Mr. Robinson came home in great excitement and said to his wife, "You'll never believe it, dear, but I've discovered an entirely new position for lovemaking."

"Really," said Mrs. Robinson, interested at once. "What is it?"

"Back to Back"

"But that's crazy. We can't do anything back to back."

An older man was married to a younger woman. After several years of a very happy marriage, he had a heart attack. The doctor advised him that to prolong his life they should cut out sex.

He and his wife discussed the matter and decided that he should sleep in the family room downstairs to save them both from temptation.

One night, after several weeks, he decided that life without sex wasn't worth living. So he headed upstairs. He met his wife on the staircase and said, "I was coming
up to die."