Rated PG

A man in Tarritville, Connecticut, filed for divorce because his wife left him a note on the refrigerator that read: "I have gone to the bridge club. There'll be a recipe for your dinner at 7 o'clock on Channel 2

A man in Hazard, Kentucky, divorced his wife because she "beat him whenever he removed onions from his hamburger without asking for permission."

A deaf man in Bennettsville, South Carolina, filed for divorce because his wife "was always nagging him in sign language."

A woman in Canon City, Colorado, divorced her husband because he forced her to "duck under the dashboard whenever they drove past his girlfriend's house." (Remember this Mr. Redifer )

A woman in Hardwick, Georgia, divorced her husband on the grounds that he "stayed home too much and was much too affectionate."

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:

Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

For anyone who feels they've been invited to too many weddings lately have a laugh. This is actually true. It was in a local newspaper in South Carolina and even Jay Leno mentioned it on the Tonight Show. This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University. It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.

After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage at the microphone to talk to the crowd. He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and groom's families for coming and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a fabulous reception.

To thank everyone for coming, bringing gifts and everything, he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party, was a manila envelope.

He said that this was his gift and told everyone to open their envelopes.

Inside each envelope was an 8x10 photo of his best man having sex...with the bride. He had gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired a private detective to trail them weeks prior to the wedding.

After he stood there and watched the people's reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "FUCK you!" He turned to his bride and said, "FUCK you!" Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm out of here!"

He had the marriage annulled the first thing that Monday morning. While most of us would have broken off the engagement immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with it anyway, as if nothing was wrong.

His revenge:

1) Making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for 300 guests for a wedding and reception.

2) Letting everyone know exactly what did happen. And, best of all...

3) Trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of all of their friends and their entire families.

This guy has balls the size of church bells. Do you think we might see one of those MasterCard "Priceless" commercials out of this? Huh?

Jasmeet Kaur watched her husband Santa Singh searching high and low, all over the living room.

Jasmeet: "What are you so frantically searching?"

Santa: "Hidden cameras!"

Jasmeet: "And what makes you think there are hidden cameras here?"

Santa: "Or else, every few minutes, how is that guy on television saying...'You are watching the Star World Channel'?

Grandma and Grandpa were sitting in their porch rockers watching the beautiful sunset and reminiscing about "the good old days," when Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Honey, do you remember when we first started dating and you used to just casually reach over and take my hand?"

Grandpa looked over at her, smiled and obligingly took her aged hand in his.

With a wry little smile, Grandma pressed a little farther, "Honey, do you remember how after we were engaged, you'd sometimes lean over and suddenly kiss me on the cheek?"

Grandpa leaned slowly toward Grandma and gave her a lingering kiss on her wrinkled cheek.

Growing bolder still, Grandma said, "Honey, do you remember how, after we were first married, you'd kind of nibble on my ear?"

Grandpa slowly got up from his rocker and headed into the house.

Alarmed, Grandma said, "Honey, where are you going?"

Rated G

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.

All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.

So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head
and disagreed with all the men.

The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and as she bends over to place her ball a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

"Good God! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded.

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford to buy any."

The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency here's 50 pounds, go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt blows up to show that she is wearing no undies.

"Bejesus woman. You've no knickers - why not?" She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."

He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency here's 20 pounds, go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she too is naked under it.

"Hoot, lassie! Why d'ye have no knickers?"

She too explains, "You don't give me enough housekeeping money to be able to afford any."

Willie comes home from work, as he walks in the door Ethel grabs him and says, "Come on, Willie, we're going upstairs!"

Willie replies, "OK. That's one of my favorite things!"

As soon as they get upstairs, Ethel grabs Willie,throws him down on the bed and jumps aboard.Willie protests, "Stop, Stop, We can't do it that way anymore!"

Ethel asks, "What do you mean Willie, I like it that way, and so do you."

Willie replies, "You're sure right on that, in fact that is one of my favorite things. But if we do it that way any more I'll lose my job."

Ethel asks, "What do you mean Willie? That doesn't make any sense!"

Few Quick ones on Marriage!

My aunt learned how to live with her husband's sleepwalking. She gave him a vacuum.

A married couple were having a disagreement while sitting in bed. The wife said to her husband, "You're impossible," to which the husband replied, "No. I'm next to impossible."

The number of divorces in this country proves that this is the land of the free. The number of marriages proves that it is truly the home of the brave.

Marriage is made in heaven...so are lightning and thunder.

A bachelor is a man who believes in life, liberty, and the happiness of pursuit.

A man was explaining to his marriage counselor how he really loved his wife, Edith, but he just couldn't drop his mistress, Kate. The marriage counselor shook his head and said, "You can't have your Kate and Edith too."

Courtship is like looking at the beautiful photos in a seed catalog. Marriage is what actually comes up in your garden.

My husband wants to go camping so he can hear the call of the wild. I told him that he could hear it for free if he'd just stay home sometimes with the kids.

A new father is looking down at the crib where his new baby girl is sleeping.

Looks of confusion and amazement are on his face when his wife walks in.

She looks at him and asks, "What are you thinking dear?"

The husband replies, "I am just so amazed at this!"

His wife says, "so am I"

A forty-ish woman was jumping up and down on her bed, squealing with delite when her husband walked in. "What in the hell are you doing? You look foolish jumping up and down like a kid.", he said.

She replied, " I just came from the doctor's office, and he said I have the breasts of an eighteen year old."

"What did he say about your 43 year old ass?" he sneered.

QUESTION: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?

Jack's grandfather left him ten million dollars, and the next week Diane agreed to marry him.

After three months of married life, Jack noticed that his beautiful new wife was ignoring him more and more.

On the rare occasion that she would go to bed with him she would be indifferent, or even worse, called out other men's names!

Whenever they went out in public, she ignored him and flirted with other men. Finally, he decided to confront her.

"Diane," he said, "the only reason you married me was because my grandfather left me ten million dollars when he died!"

How To Know Whether or Not You Are Ready to Have Children...

Mess Test:

Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behindthe couch and leave it there all summer.

Toy Test:

Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you
maysubstitute roofing tacks) Have a friend spread them all over the house.Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream.(This could wake a child at night.)

Grocery Store Test:

Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

Dressing Test:

Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag,
making sure that all arms stay inside.

Feeding Test:

Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

Night Test:

Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 - 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM, begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for10:00PM.Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard.Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

Physical Test (Women):

Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.

Physical Test (Men):

Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the
clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

Final Assignment:

I Love Her, But...(A collection of men's thoughts on their women.)... she was furious when I got up early once and made her breakfast. Called me controlling. How dare I decide that she would eat breakfast, let alone what she'd have?

--Ted, Wexford, Pa

.... what's mine is hers. I buy her negligees; she sleeps in my T-shirts. When she's cold she wears my wool socks to bed, never her own. She steals my half-used razors; new ones are too sharp. She even wears my boxers. I'm tempted to switch to briefs just to see what she'd do.

--Dave, Martha's Vineyard, Mass

.... she makes lists. Things to buy. Things to do. People to call. If it's not on the list, it doesn't get done. Once, to be funny, I put "sex" on the list. Mistake. Now it has to be on the list, or it doesn't get done.

--Nick, Wheeling, W.Va.

... you can hear her eat soup from the next room.

--Bruce, Bridgewater, N.J.

... when she gets an idea in her head, there's no stopping her. And no rest for anyone until it's done. It's not so bad when the idea is to bake cookies, or even to go on vacation. But when it's to build a newhouse, or to get pregnant, things get pretty intense.

--Jim, Minneapolis

... my wife thinks everyone should be a vegetarian. During meals, she asks people how they can eat dead cows, or if they know that their pork chops used to be smarter than their dogs.

--Miles, Shreveport, La

.... every so often boom! she's a brunette. Or I come home to a redhead. Actually, I have no idea what her natural color is.

--Cary, Seattle

... she'll brush her teeth but she won't go to the dentist. She says she's not afraid of the pain, she just doesn't want to put herself in the hands of any fellow who'd choose to be a dentist.

--Terence, Gary, Ind

.... she's stopped shaving her legs. She says that now people will know she's a natural blonde.

--Ned, Tucson, Ariz

.... she takes her half of the bed out of the middle.

-Robin, Gladwyne, Pa

.... have you ever seen a woman with green crust and slime smeared over her face, dark holes for her nostrils? Do you think you'd be able to sleep at night, knowing that creature is next to you?

--Arthur, Cedar City, Utah

... my wife's allergic to everything. Her nose is chronically stuffed. If I kissed her on the mouth, she'd suffocate.

--Bryan, Toledo, Ohio

... after sex, I mean the second after, she continues where she left off. Her eyes open and before you can breathe, you hear, " ... and, oh, yeah, I have to defrost the chicken, and your mother wants you to pickup her dry cleaning ..."

--Jimmy, Fort Lauderdale, Fla

.... in bed I'm her high school teacher, captain of the football team, her boss, the bad boy, a waiter, a lifeguard, a telephone repairman, a cop. Once in a while I'd like to be me.

--Neil, Orlando, Fla.... she wears these false eyelashes. She left 'em lying around and I slammed 'em with my newspaper, tried to kill the damn things. Scared me half to death.

--Gordon, Oklahoma City, Okla

.... she takes those soaps too seriously. I'll come home and find her in tears because some character died. Or upset that some nonexistent guy's having a fictional affair.

--Archie, St. Louis... she will not shop at discount stores or sales. She thinks they're crowded and plebeian. She doesn't even look at the reduced rack, other than, perhaps, for gifts for my mother.

--Conrad, Wilmington, Del

.... it annoys her that our children look like me.

--James, New Orleans.

.. counting my wife and our teenage girls, that's four women. Somebody's always got PMS.

--Everett, Little Rock, Ark

.... with five kids, I don't have time to complain about my wife. I don't have time to notice her.