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Topic: Husbands & Wives
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 03-05-2004 12:31 PM
Rated G ![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
Found this in an old book written by a man born in 1895.....
The newly married young couple were in the process of setting up a household.They went from store to store comparing prices and
making purchases.It came time to buy the bedroom set.They saw
several,then the young man spotted a nice bed,something he
liked. He said to his wife,"Let's take this one,dear,it is much to my liking and I think you will like it,too." She walked around the bed that was on display then said,"No, no dear! We can't take this one!!"
He wondered why so he asked her.
She took him to the back of the bed and showed him why.
There,on a big manufacturer's label,pasted on the headboard,
were the words:Ajax Furniture Company,We stand behind every bed we build. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Gordon Bachlund
Jedi Master Film Handler
Posts: 696
From: Monrovia, CA, USA
Registered: Aug 1999
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posted 03-26-2004 04:36 PM
Rated PG
Larry wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his
eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of
water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of
him, all clean and pressed. Larry looks around the room and sees that it is
in a perfect order, spotless, clean. So's the rest of the house. He takes
the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the
stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."
So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the
morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Larry asks, "Son,
what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke
some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you
stumbled into the door."
Confused, Larry asks, "So, why is everything in order! and so clean, and
breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she
tried to take your pants off you said, "Lady leave me alone, I'm married.”
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 04-09-2004 11:47 AM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
How to Drive your Wife Crazy
1. Start asking her questions (don't mistakenly do anything) about cooking, cleaning and laundry. Say, I think its time I learn to take care of myself. You know, just in case.
2. Volunteer to cook for her. Make sure it's real greasy. Use every pot and pan in the house and be sure you spill and/or drop some of everything everywhere.
3. While brushing your teeth, flick the toothbrush first at the sink and then at the mirror.
4. Never ask her to get you something from the kitchen when she's in the kitchen. Let her spend a good 30 minutes in there and when she reaches the sofa with a sigh of relief say, "Will you PLEASE do me a big favor and get me a beer, my back is just killing me today."
5. Be sure to load up all your pockets with tissues before you drop them in the washing basket.
6. Leave yourself a trail of clothing, towels, dishes, and everything else you put your hands on. This will ensure you never lose your way.
7. Wait until she's overwhelmed with work and lean in close and say, "Did you see how dusty the leaves on your house plants are?"
8. Put on a TV program and them pretend to keep falling asleep. Wake up each time she tries to change the channel and say, "Damn it, you know how much I looked forward to watching this. Don't be so selfish."
9. Wait until she is totally engrossed in a movie then tell her something is bugging you and you really need to talk about it. Be sure it's as stupid, boring, and long winded as you can make it.
10. Wait until she's finally lost a few pounds on that diet. Start having uncontrollable urges for her favorite sin foods. When she repeatedly declines, stick it in her face anyway and say, "Oh stop it! A little X isn't going to hurt you."
11. Continue until all weight is regained. Then ask, "Hey, you've been on that diet a long time now, how much have you lost?"
12. Keep calling her at work to find out what time she plans to get home and what she plans to make for dinner. Make sure you're just not in the mood for whatever she's making.
13. When the opportunity arises be sure to cut the grass in your brand new white trainers.
14. When you retrieve your clothes from the closet leave the hanger in place and pull on the clothing until the hanger is mangled enough to allow the article to slip off.
15. Tell her something for the first time and act shocked that she didn't know about it. Pout and exclaim, "And you have the nerve to say I never listen to YOU."
16. When you know she's grocery shopping, disappear! Come home just in time to watch her carry the last bag in. Grab the receipt and say, "I'll get the rest of it for you dear." Feign surprise when she says that's it. End with, "This is all you got for how much?"
17. When ogling a woman say, "Sure she's gorgeous, but remember she's young. I remember when you looked good too."
18. On the odd occasion you actually clean up a disgusting mess you made, use the best towels in the house.
19. As your stomach grows just wear your pants lower and flop it over the waistband. Then brag that unlike your wife, you still wear the same size you did when you got married.
20. Wait until the night before you go on vacation and say, "Hon, you know the underwear and socks you packed for me? Well the elastic is shot and I need new ones.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 04-14-2004 09:50 AM
Rated G
Morty arrives home from work and as soon as he sets foot in the house, Sadie is on to him, telling him that their friend Marvin has finally quit smoking.
"Imagine that, Morty," she says, "someone who smoked 3 packs a day for 20 years has stopped smoking all of a sudden. Now that's what I call will power - something that you definitely don't have."
But Sadie hadn't finished.
"And that's not all. I hear that Bernie, that drunken friend of yours, is finally giving up drinking - another example of the kind of will power that you don't have."
"OK, Sadie," said Morty, "you want to see will power, do you? Well here's will power. I am going to sleep in the spare room from now on. I am going to prove to you that I won't be affected at all by not sleeping with a woman."
Morty keeps to his word.
One night, when he had been sleeping alone for a week, there is a knock on his bedroom door.
Morty shouts out, "What do you want?"
Sadie replies, "Marvin has started smoking again."
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