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Author Topic: Husbands & Wives Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-02-2004 11:41 AM                        Rated G Curious when I found two black-and-white negatives in a drawer, I had them made into prints.I was pleasantly surprised to see that they were of a younger,slimmer me,taken on one of my first dates with my husband. When I showed him the photos,his face lit up. "Wow," he said, "It's my old Plymouth!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-06-2004 07:30 AM                        Rated G I lay there unconscious next to my wife in bed one morning,when a sudden tremendous burst of flatulence did vibrate out of my ass. The expulsion half woke me.But before I could fall back into slumber,my wife reaches for the night stand.She picks up the telephone receiver,and in a bleary voice says, "Hello?" I look over at her. She was obviously confused at the dial tone she was hearing. And then the realization hit me.She had answered my fart.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-10-2004 09:17 AM                        Rated PG Michele For years Bill's friends had chided him about being impotent.So it was with great glee that he reported his wife had just come from the doctor's,and she was pregnant. "Well, why not?" teased an agitator, "Nobody ever doubted your wife."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-10-2004 02:48 PM                        Rated G My wife and her friend, Karen, were talking about their labor- saving devices as they pulled into our driveway. Karen said, "I love my new garage-door opener." "I love mine too," my wife replied, and she honked the horn three times. That was the signal for me to come out and open the garage.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-10-2004 02:51 PM                        Rated G B.B. Whether a man winds up with the nest egg or a goose egg depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-10-2004 02:55 PM                        ated G Michele It was a May-December marriage, and as the old man climbed in to bed for the first time with his new bride, he asked, "Did your mother tell you what to do on your wedding night?" "Yes," she cooed, kissing him lightly, "she told me everything." "Good," said the elderly gentleman as he turned out the light, "because I've forgotten everything!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-10-2004 03:03 PM                        Rated G Lisa in Liverpool Newly married,George and Tina retire to their honeymoon bedroom, and breathlessly start undressing each other for the 1st time. As Tina's panties slide off,Georges eyes nearly pop out."Ooh" he cries, "Youve got a lovely big arse!" Furious,Tina whacks him across the face and pushes him out onto the balcony in just his socks.He's standing there,freezing,when the bloke in the room next to him is similarly pushed out. "Shit- its my wedding night" says the man, "And I've been thrown out for saying my wife had really big tits" Just then a 3rd man is also forcefully ejected onto the next balcony. "I suppose you put your foot in it as well" says George. "No" says the new bloke,shaking his head,"but I bloody well could have put my foot in!!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-11-2004 12:39 PM                        Rated XXX Will In College George comes home from work early one day and discovers his wife giving the paperboy a blowjob. He starts screaming and yelling at her,"How could you give the paperboy a blowjob when you know damn well it's the milkman we owe money to?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-11-2004 02:46 PM                        Rated R A man went to the tattoo parlour and had the words "yes" and "no" tattooed on his penis.When he got home that night, heapproached his wife in their bedroom.He stripped off his pants and shorts,revealing his aroused organ and its new tattoo. "What do you think, honey?" he asked his wife. Deliberately she said,"You tell me how to cook,you tell me how to clean the house,you tell me how to do the laundry...and now you're going to put words in my mouth?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-12-2004 08:33 AM                        Rated G Denny in Yonkers DRUNK AGAIN A good-ole-boy staggered home late after another evening with his drinking buddies.Shoes in left hand to avoid waking his wife,he tiptoed as quietly as hecould toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom,but misjudged the bottom step in the darkened entryway. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister,his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing to suppress a yelp,he sprung up,pulled down his pants and examined his lacerated and bleeding cheeks in a mirror of a nearby darkened hallway,then managed to find a large full box of band-aids before proceeding to place a patch as best he could on each place he saw blood.After hiding the now almost empty box,he managed to shuffle and stumble his way to bed. Morning,he awakens with screaming pain in head and butt to find his wife staring at him from across the room,and hears her say: "You were drunk again last night!!!" Forcing himself to ignore his agony,he looked meekly at her and replied:"Now, Hon, why would you say such a mean thing?" "Well," she said, "there is the front door left open,the glass at the bottom of the stairs, the drops of blood trailing through the house,and your bloodshot eyes but, mostly . . . . . it's all those band-aids stuck on the downstairs mirror!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-12-2004 08:41 AM                        Rated PG Denny in Yonkers Diary Entry I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing.And I never figured out why men think with their head and women think with their heart. And I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil when it hears the words "I do." One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well,the passion starts to heat up,and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it.I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT???" So she says the words that I and every husband on the planet dread.She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. I'm thinking,"What was her first clue?" I finally realize that nothing was going to happen that night,so I went to sleep. The very next day, we went shopping at a big, unnamed department store.I walked around with her while she tried on three different,very expensive outfits. She could not decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three of them. She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200.00 a pair to which I say OK. And then we go to the jewelry department where she gets a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you. She was so excited.She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don't think she cared. I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she does not even play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK.She was almost sexually excited from all of this, and you should have seen her face when she said, "I'm ready to go to the cash register." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, honey, I don't feel like buying all this stuff now." You should have seen her face.It went completely blank.I then said, "Really, honey, I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a man." I figure that I won't be having sex again until some time after the spring of 2008.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-12-2004 08:50 AM                        Rated G Denny in Yonkers So a guy and his wife arrives from a business trip and goes to his favorite steakhouse unaware of the mad cow outbreak in his town. The waiter sits them and says, "Our special today is duck or shrimp." The man replies, "I want a T-bone steak medium well." The waiter a bit miffed continues,"What about the mad cow?" The man looks at the waiter and says,"She can order for herself."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-26-2004 10:19 AM                        Rated G Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion." Joe: "Really?" Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-26-2004 10:23 AM                        Rated G While shopping for vacation clothes,my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit,so I sought my husband's advice. "What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?" "Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-26-2004 01:57 PM                        Rated G Michele Dear soon-to-be husband, I thank you whole-heartedly for considering me to be your future wife. We have a very bright future ahead of us, and it can be even brighter if you take note to a few things that are a part of what makes a marriage between a man and a woman work and become successful. Please take the time to read over the conditions below that I have set-forth for you. 1. I will not do any dishes by hand, if you expect me to do dishes, either hire a maid or buy a dishwasher. You can locate one at any appliance store between $200 and $400. 2. I will not wash your laundry in the bathtub while you work over- time to save up for a washer. I will not pack wet clothes into a laundry basket and tote it to any clothes line. I must have a working washer and dryer to do laundry. If you expect me to pack our dirty laundry into my vehicle and take it to a public Laundromat, you can do it yourself....3 towns away where no one knows us. 3. I will not get on my hands and knees to scrub any floors. I must have a Swiffer mop and Swiffer broom if you expect to have clean floors. That manual stuff is for the birds...or you can again, hire a maid. 4. I will not clean up after your friends at anytime during our marriage. If they make a mess be it puke, piss or simply leaving their glass on the coffee table....it's your responsibility and not mine! 5. I will not entertain your folks while you skip out on me. If your folks come over for the day or the weekend, I expect you to give me the Neiman Marcus card and JC Penny card so that I may go on an all day shopping venture or at least the Master Card so that I can rent a room in the town's finest hotel. There is no way I am doing your job for you! 6. I will not take out the trash. If you won't do it, look forward to repairing the garbage disposal in the sink because that is where the tv remote, your cell phone, your car keys, and your baseball cards will go if I EVER have to ask you to take out the trash more than once! 7. I am not about to stoop over and pick up your clothing from the floor. If you leave your clothes on the floor and they are not placed in the laundry hamper, I will politely donate them to the Good Will or to some other agency...I don't care if you did drive to one hundred different stores to find your favorite shirt. 8. I will not tolerate your neglect to flush after you use the bathroom. I don't like sitting on a pissy toilet seat or having dirty water splashing up on my ass so if you want to avoid me taking a piss on you...you'll flush! Plain and simple! 9. You are responsible for paying 70% of the bills. I pay less because society, after all these years, is still critical of a woman in the workplace, therefore you make more then me. Every time you get a raise, you get another bill. 10. Sex is something that we should both enjoy. Therefore when I say I don't feel like it, don't ask me again later. For every time you ask me for sex, after I have told you once that I don't feel like it, is another day you don't get any. If I ask you for sex and you put me off, your friend gets it and you still don't get any. Sincerely, Your soon-to-be Wife  |  IP: Logged

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