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Author Topic: Husbands & Wives Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-01-2003 03:49 PM                        Rated G Michele "Tammy..."Doug said."I think I'm going to the doctor to see if he can find out why I'm so dull and listless." "Great idea!!!" Tammy replied."And once he gets your sex drive all straightened out,see if he can figure out why you've been moping around lately."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-02-2003 08:23 AM                        Rated G Michele George Johnson, a hard-bitten man of early middle age,had evaded many a marital trap,but was now hopelessly in love with pretty young Nancy.Finally he said,"Will you marry me, Nancy?" She smiled and said,"Oh yes, George." There followed a long silence,till Nancy said,"Well, say something more, George." And Johnson said hollowly,"I think I´ve said too much as it is."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-02-2003 12:16 PM                        Rated R This guy wakes up out of a deep sleep and, feeling real horny, nudges his wife awake and asks, "Why don't we get it on, eh?" She replies, "I have an appointment at the gynecologist tomorrow and you know I don't like to make love the night before." So the husband agrees and rolled back over and started to go back to sleep. A few minutes later,he nudges his wife again and asks,"You don't by any chance have a dentist's appointment tomorrow,do you?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-03-2003 08:39 AM                        Rated G Michele A loud scream comes from the bedroom and the husband runs in. He sees a guy leaping out of the window. His wife yells, "That guy just screwed me twice!" He says, "Twice? Why didn't you call me in after he screwed you once?" She says, "Because I thought it was you -- until he started the second time."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-03-2003 08:48 AM                        Rated G Michele . . Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-03-2003 03:04 PM                        Rated G Michele A retired husband is like having a grand piano in the kitchen. It looks good, but the damn thing is always in the way.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-03-2003 03:07 PM                        Rated G . . . "Always get married in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day." -- Mickey Rooney  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-03-2003 03:19 PM                        Rated G Michele A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and were blessed with 22 grandchildren. When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies,"Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids...."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-04-2003 06:18 AM                        Rated G Lorraine QUESTION: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor? ANSWER: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 12-05-2003 03:34 PM                        An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, "Seven points." His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man replied, "It's fart football." A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says "Touchdown, tie score." After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7." Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score." Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beat by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed. The wife says, "What the hell was that?" The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-08-2003 07:48 AM                        Rated G It's the middle of the night when a woman wakes up and smells smoke. She shakes her husband and starts yelling, "Help! Help! Wake up and call the fire department! The house is on fire!" "Shhh," says the husband. "Don't make so much noise. You'll wake your mother.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-09-2003 07:18 AM                        Rated PG Michele I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath'. For three years,my husband and I slept on bunk beds.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-09-2003 09:19 AM                        Rated XXX Michele A woman woke up and told her husband of about her last night's dream. "I was at an auction for penises. The big ones sold for $1,000, and the tiny ones for $10." Husband: "What about one my size?" Wife: "Didn't get a bid!" The husband wants revenge, so the next morning he tells his wife about his dream last night. "I was at an auction for vaginas. The really tight ones sold for $1,000, and the loose ones for $10." Wife: "What about ones like mine?" Husband: "That's where they held the auction."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-09-2003 09:22 AM                        Rated G Michele My wife had a spot of the flu, but she still wanted to go to church last Sunday.However, she figured she would need at least two handkerchiefs to get her through the service. She didn't have any pockets,so she stuffed them both in her bra. Halfway through the service, she had already used up one handkerchief and was rummaging around in her bra for the other one. She was having trouble finding it, and soon she noticed that everyone in the congregation was looking at her. "What are you doing?" finally asked the Vicar. She replied, "I could have sworn I had two when I arrived!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-09-2003 07:50 PM                        Rated G Marriage is a union. A union of heart, a union of soul, a union of minds, but wait till you have to pay those union dues.  |  IP: Logged

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