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Author Topic: Husbands & Wives Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-09-2003 07:52 PM                        Rated R Michele Fanny and Myron get married and on their first night in bed, Myron puts his arm around Fanny and very sweetly whispers,"Fanny darling,please pull up your nightgown." Very sweetly Fanny answers, "Nooo." Myron asks again, a little sterner, "Fanny pull up your nightgown." Fanny again says, "No." Myron is now angry and says, "Fanny, pull up your nightgown or I'm going out the door and you'll never see me again." "No." says Fanny. So Myron gets up and goes out the front door, slamming it behind him. Fanny immediately gets up and locks the door. Not too long after, Myron is back. He tries the front door but finds it locked. So he taps on the door and says, "Fanny, my darling, open the door, it's me." Fanny says, "Nooo." Myron knocks a little louder, "Fanny, sweetness, please open the door." "No." says Fanny. Myron starts kicking the door and shouts, "Fanny, open this door right now or I'll break it down." Fanny says, "Really? A door you can break down, but a nightgown you can't pull up?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-09-2003 09:36 PM                        Rated G Michele A wife asked her husband: What do you like most in my pretty face, my sexy body or me? He looked at her from head to toe and replied: I like your sense of humor.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-12-2003 01:23 PM                        Rated G Not that my wife's the jealous type or anything, but one day at work,I had taken this temp who was filling in for my secretary to lunch in gratitude for an outstanding job on a very difficult project. As luck would have it,there was my wife waiting in the office for my return.The temp, who was truly a ravishing beauty said, "Oh, Mrs. Moore, I'm so happy to meet you. I'm your husband's new secretary." Within a single heart beat, my wife quietly intoned, "Oh, really? WERE you???"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-17-2003 10:04 AM                        Rated G Michele She was waiting with the cart, browsing in the small appliances aisle,while I gathered a few last-minute items.When I returned, she was facing the opposite direction,so I silently approached and gave her a playful pat on the fanny. Without turning around she said,"That had better be my husband. But if it's not,I shop here every Tuesday."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-18-2003 09:00 AM                        Rated G "I have to talk to my girlfriend every day on the phone. My husband says, 'Why do you have to talk to her again today? You just talked to her yesterday. What could you possibly have to tell her?' 'Well, for one thing, I have to tell her you just said that.'" --Rita Rudner  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-20-2003 08:51 PM                        Rated G Michele At my granddaughter's wedding, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married longest. It turned out to be my husband and I. The DJ asked us, "What advice would you give to the newly-married couple?" I said, "The three most important words in a marriage are,'You're probably right.'" Everyone then looked at my husband. He said, "She's probably right."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-20-2003 08:57 PM                        Rated G Michele A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-06-2004 07:43 AM                        Rated G Michele Why is it a wife can buy her husband a lawn mower for Christmas, but if he buys her a vacuum cleaner,it's a death sentence?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-06-2004 08:46 AM                        Rated G Every night, my wife calls me to dinner exactly the same way: "Dinner's on the table -- come and guess it!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-07-2004 06:03 PM                        Rated G A lady noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver,she commented,"I don't think that's going to help." "Sure it does," he said."It's the only way I can see the numbers."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-08-2004 04:20 PM                        Rated PG A couple was getting ready to go out to celebrate their 10th anniversary when the wife comes out in the teddy she wore on her wedding night. She asks her husband what were his exact thoughts 10 years ago when he first saw her in that teddy. He said, "do you really want to know?" She said, "yes." He said, "I only wanted to suck your tits dry and fuck your brains out." She said, "well what do you think today." He said, "I think I did a good job.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-08-2004 04:29 PM                        Rated PG A farmer just got married and was going home on his wagon pulled by a team of horses. When one of the hoses stumbled, he said, "That's once." Then it stumbled again. He said, "That's twice." Then later it stumbled a third time. This time, he didn't say anything, just pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse dead. His wife cried out and started to yell at him. The farmer turned to her and said, "That's once."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-08-2004 04:36 PM                        Rated G A man and his wife were going to spend their honeymoon night at the Watergate Hotel in Washington, D.C. Upon arriving at their room, the woman got quite anxious and excited about spending the night in the very room that was involved in the scandal. The husband, however, was unaware of the significance of the hotel, and was rather calm. When they got ready to go to bed the woman said, "Honey, I don't know about this." "What's the matter, dear?" he said. "Well, don't you feel a bit nervous about staying in the very room that was involved in the Watergate Scandal? I mean, what if someone is listening in on everything that we are saying or doing?" The man was surprised to learn this, but expressed no uneasiness to the whole deal. But new bride couldn't get herself to relax and finally the husband said, "Would it make you feel any better if I looked around the room for bugs?" She agreed that it would. So the husband searched high and low, looking in the bathroom, the sink, the cabinet, behind pictures, in lampshades, and even in the phone only to find nothing. As a last idea, he checked under the big rug in the center of the room. To his surprise, he found a small, black, metallic object in the floor! Deciding that it could in fact be a bug, he got a screwdriver, pried the thing up from the floor, and flushed it down the toilet. "Now do you feel better, dear?" he asked. "Yes," she replied. "Thank you." Moments later, the phone rang. Exchanging nervous glances with his wife, the man picked it up. It was the front desk and the clerk asked, "Are you two all right up there?" "Of course," replied the man. "Why do you ask?" "Well," he replied, "the people below you just had a chandelier fall into the middle of their room!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-13-2004 08:43 AM                        Rated PG Chuck in New Orleans A man and his wife were vacationing in Hawaii when a violent earthquake occurred at 3:00 AM. As soon as morning came, the man went down to the hotel lobby to read the newspaper about what had happened. As he was reading the newspaper, a local gentlemen step up and ask him if he had felt the earthquake during the night. "I sure did. My wife and I are here on vacation from the mainland, and I have felt other earthquakes, but I have never felt a quake like that one, it was terrible. I thought the building was going to come down." The guy asks, "What were you doing during the earthquake?" "Gee, I was having the best performance of my life as that earthquake was happening." "Is that right?" "And what did your wife think about it?" The man said, "Well, it damn near woke her up!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-13-2004 01:19 PM                        Rated G Michele A woman is feeling poorly and sends a telegram to her husband on a business trip to come home as soon as possible, "NOT GETTING ANY BETTER. COME HOME." Imagine the husband's surprise when he received, "NOT GETTING ANY. BETTER COME HOME."  |  IP: Logged

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