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Author Topic: Husbands & Wives Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-29-2003 01:21 PM                        Rated G Sue Bee I owned a taxi service with my husband William.While sitting in his cab waiting for a fare,William saw that a downpour had left puddles stretching to the curb. Then he heard someone open the back door and get in.When he turned around to ask the destination,William saw the would-be passenger exiting the other door. "Thanks," said the 'passenger,' "I just wanted to get over the water."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-29-2003 01:29 PM                        Rated G Michele While on our honeymoon I informed my new husband, "Dear, don't expect the first few meals to be great. It takes time to find the right restaurant."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-29-2003 03:18 PM                        Rated PG Michele My Husband,not happy with my mood swings,bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big fuckin' red mark on his forehead. Maybe he will buy me a diamond next time.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-29-2003 08:17 PM                        Rated G A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, "But we don't know anything about each other." He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along." So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort. So one morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half-tuck gainer, this was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel. She said, "That was incredible!" He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along." So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath. He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?" "No," she said. "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the Grand Canal."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-30-2003 09:23 AM                        Rated G Michele A young couple were having their first fight, and it was a big one. After a while, the husband said: "When we got married, you promised to love, honor and obey." His bride replied: "I know. But I didn't want to start an argument in front of all those people at the wedding."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-11-2003 07:22 AM                        Rated PG Michele Did you hear about the Arkansan who had eight vasectomies? He had to... his wife kept getting pregnant.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-11-2003 07:24 AM                        Rated PG Michele A traveling buyer had been on a trip for three months.Every few weeks he'd send a telegram to his wife saying:"Can't come home. Still buying." The wife stood it for a while,but when the fourth month started and her husband still had no idea of returning,she decided to do something. She sent him a telegram."Better come home.I'm selling what you're buying."  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 11-11-2003 12:54 PM                        WHY MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE What do you expect from such simple creatures!? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be president. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO T-shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress - $5000; tux rental - $100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood, ALL the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45 minutes. No wonder men are happier!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-12-2003 08:49 AM                        Rated PG Sue Bee Separation I feel it is my duty to warn everyone of a major problem,one that endangers lives, damages property and causes untold misery, a growing menace that can be summed up in three words: Men Doing Laundry. At first glance, MDL may not seem like a big problem, especially to members of the female species, who generally prefer MDL to WDL.But the evidence is overwhelming, as the Bush Administration might say.MDL has resulted in millions of discolored clothes, billions of missing socks, and countless broken relationships. Wife: "Did you remember to separate the clothes before washing them?" Husband: "Yes, of course I did.I put the whites at the bottom and the colors on top." Wife: "You idiot, you were supposed to wash them separately. You obviously don't know what separation means, but trust me, you're about to find out!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-12-2003 09:04 AM                        Rated G Marriage My father says, "Marry a girl who has the same belief as the family." I said, "Dad , why would I a girl who thinks I'm a schmuck?" Adam Sandler Things change when you get married, I would walk around the house with no clothes on. My husband would be like, "Baby, you look so good, Come here." He couldn't his hands off me. Now when I walk around the house with no clothes on, he's like, "Ain't you cold?" Roz Browne I will not cheat on my wife. Because I love my house. Chas Elstner Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed. Rita Rudner Marriage is real tough because you have to deal with feelings, and lawyers. Richard Pryor  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-12-2003 01:35 PM                        Rated G Michele What's the worst thing you can do to your wife during a power outage? Leave the plunger in the toilet.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-13-2003 11:56 AM                        Rated G Michele You know, there were very few things that upset my ex-husband. It makes me feel rather special to have been one of them.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-16-2003 10:00 AM                        Rated G Michele Dan married one of a pair of identical twins. Less than a year later he was in court filing for a divorce. "Tell the court why you want a divorce," the judge said. "Well, Your Honor," Dan started,"every once in a while my sister-in-law would come over for a visit,and because she and my wife are identical, sometimes I'd end up making love to her by mistake." "Surely there must be some difference between the two women," the judge said. "Exactly, Your Honor. That's why I want the divorce!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-17-2003 07:23 AM                        Rated G Michele My husband,Donald,is a computer systems administrator.He is dedicated to his job and works long hours,rarely taking time off for meals. One afternoon,he was overwhelmed with solving a computer network problem,so I decided to deliver a meal for him to eat at his workstation. When I was getting ready to leave,I said good-bye and reminded him to eat his burger and fries while they were still warm. Staring at his monitor,he waved me away."Don't worry," he said,obviously distracted,"I'll delete them in a few minutes."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-17-2003 12:41 PM                        Rated G My husband always lets me know when he's not getting enough. The other night when my boys were being particularly rambunctious,I yelled at them "In this house, we don't touch each other's privates." To which my husband replied, "No kidding."  |  IP: Logged

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