Jill and John got married. John thought this would be a "marriage of the 90's" -- equal roles for equal partners. So, the first morning back from their honeymoon, he brought Jill breakfast in bed.

Jill wasnt impressed with his culinary skills,however. She looked disdainfully at the tray, and snorted, "Poached? I wanted *scrambled*!"

Undaunted, the next morning, John brought his true love a *scrambled* egg.

Jill wasn't having any of it. "Do you think I don't like variety? I wanted *poached* this morning!"

Determined to please Jill, the *next* morning he thought, "third time's a charm" and brought her *two* eggs -- one scrambled and one poached.

"Here, my love, enjoy!"

Jill looks at the plate and says, "You scrambled the wrong egg."

Looking for a little variety in his sex life, the husband bought a computer and started exploring the Internet. He stumbled onto IRC chat and next thing ya know, he was heavily into NetSex.

Well, one late-nite session was going really hot and heavy, but for some reason the one partner stopping typing.Thinking that his hot lil' number had been disconnected,the man typed: "Are you still there ?"

My wife and I were at my high school reunion. As I looked around, I noticed the other men in their expensive suits...and their bulging stomachs.

Proud of the fact thatI weighed just five pounds more than I did when I was in high school, the result of trying to beat a living out of a rocky hillside farm, I said to my wife, "I'm the only guy here who can still wear the suit he wore when he graduated."

My wife was playing Trivial Pursuit one night.

It was her turn, she rolled the dice and landed on "Science & Nature."

Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

A Chinese couple gets married - and she's a virgin.

On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses.

He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring."My darring, I know dis you firs time and you frighten. I plomise you, I give you anyting you want. I do anyting you want. What do you want?"

"I wanna numma 69." she replies.

My husband retired, and for the first time in over 40 years I had to think about preparing midday meals.

Tired of it after several months, I said, "I married you for better or worse, but not for lunch."

"Fair enough. From now on I'll make my own," he replied.

A few weeks later he had to go downtown on business and invited me to join him afterwards.

"We could have lunch at that Chinese place we both like," he suggested.

I happily agreed. At the restaurant the next day we were seated, and the waiter came to take our order.

My Wife, who was 8 months pregnant, and I were shopping in crowded
mall.

We had been trading humorous insults for most of the evening and I decided that I was going to really get her. I announced in a loud voice that, "If you don't stop insulting me I'm not going to marry you!".

A couple was going to a costume party. The husband was unsure of what costume to wear. His wife told him to hurry,or they would be late for the party. She was walking downstairs from the bedroom, completely naked, except on her feet were a big old floppy pair of boots.

"Where is your costume?" the husband asked.

"This is it," replied his wife.

"What the heck kind of costume is that?" asked the husband.

"Why, I am going as Puss and Boots," explained the wife."Now hurry and get your costume on."

The husband went upstairs and returned in two minutes.

He also was completely naked except that he had a rose vase over his penis.

"What the heck kind of costume is that?" asked the wife.

"I am a fire alarm," he replied.

"A fire alarm?" she repeated, laughing.

The sailor came home from a secret two year mission only to find his wife with a new born baby. Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge.

A very elderly couple went to see a lawyer.

They were ushered gently into the lawyer's inner office, and sat across the desk from the attorney who was studying the couple's papers.

He looked up after a moment, "How can I help you today, Mr. and Mrs. Watson?"

The woman piped up in a thin, reedy voice, "We've come to get your help in filing for a divorce."

"A divorce?" The laywer was stunned. "If you don't mind my asking, how old are you two?"

"I'm 98 and my husband just turned 101."
"Let me get this straight. It says here you've been married for close to 75 years. The two of you obviously aren't going to be around too many more years.Why a divorce after all this time?"

"Well,said the woman,"we wanted to wait until the children were dead."

Wife to husband: Dear, what's the difference between the shower
curtain and toilet paper?

Husband: I don't know, dear.

A man and woman are having marriage problems, and decide to end their union after a very short time together.

After a most brief attempt to reconcile, the couple goes to court to finalize their break-up.

The judge asks the husband, "What has brought you to the point that you are now at, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?"

The husband says, "In the six weeks we've been together, we haven't been able to agree on one thing."

ANNIVERSARY!!

While enjoying an Early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona café, four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather to how things used to be in the "good old days."

Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses.One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary soon?" "Yup, we sure are," Roy replied. "Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" another man asked.

Feeling sorry for her husband, she opens the top drawer of the cabinet, takes out a fifty-dollar bill, and gives it to him. She says, "Awww, honey you're so depressed... Here, take this and go to the woman next door, and she will let you sleep with her tonight.. But remember that this happens only once. Ok? Don't think about it or ask me to do this again."

The husband rolls his eyes in disbelief, but afraid that she may change her mind, he grabs the money and leaves quickly.

A few minutes later, he returns, hands the bill back to the wife and says with much disappointment, "She said this is not enough, she wants sixty dollars."

The newly-retired woman came back from her physical with a smile on her face.

"Why the grin?" asked her sour faced husband.

"Because," she boasted, "Dr. Berkowitz told me I have the bust of a woman half my age."

"Oh, yeah? And what about your sixty-year-old ass?"