The week I started a new job, my husband was out of town. On the day he was to return, I thought it would be fun if he picked me up at work and we could go out to dinner. I left a note on our dining-room table with my new number and this message: "For a good time, call
555-1234."

When my husband failed to show up, I took the bus home. "Where were you?" I asked. "Didn't you get my note?"

Evi

A husband was abducted by aliens one day, and the alien said: "Take me to your leader" and the husband said:

"Sorry my wife isn't home."

Rated G

A husband visited a marriage counselor and said, "When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking.

Now after ten years it's all different. I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking."

"Why complain ?" said the counselor, "You're still getting the same service !"

A wife complains, "Our wall clock almost killed my mother today. It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch."

"Dinner Guest"

"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."

"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"

"I know all that." replied the nonchalant husband.

"Then why on Earth did you invite a friend for supper?!?" said
the infuriated wife.

"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."

"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."

"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?"
He agreed, so the two old folks stripped to the buff and sat back down at the table.

"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My boobs are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago!"

A women came home one day with a mirror and told her husband it was magic.

Her husband told her to prove it.

She said watch, ''Mirror, mirror on the wall, make my boobs biggest of all.''

Sure enough, they grew huge.

The husband was amazed and said, "Ooh, oooh, let me try! Mirror, mirror show me more, make my dick touch the floor.''

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. The mind numbing question is: Who was the survivor?

Scroll down for the answer...

The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women stop reading here. That is the end of the joke.

Men keep'a scrollin'...

ANOTHER DIET

On still another diet, I had lost a few pounds and a lot of my usual sunny disposition. After making a snappish remark to my husband, I apologized and reminded him that he was supposed to stick by me through thick and thin.

"I know," he said, dryly, "but thick was easier."

"Well, dear what's it to be tonight?" said the amorous hubby.

"Hmmm... I'm in the mood for something special tonight. How
about turkey style?" replied the wife.

"Turkey style? I've heard of 'doggy style,' but what is turkey
style?"

A man in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds then it comes crashing back down.

He tries this a few more times all the while his wife is watching from the kitchen window. Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything, she opens the window and yells to her husband,
"You need more tail."

A seventy-five year old guy, his hair is completely white, marries
a twenty-two year old girl, and she gets pregnant.

Nine months later, he walks into the Maternity Ward. He says to the nurse, "Well, how'd I do?"

The nurse says, "She had twins."

He says, "Heh, heh, heh...well, I guess that goes to show, that even if there's snow on the roof, there can still be fire in the furnace."

She says, "Well, then you'd better change filters. Both of the babies are black."

 
An Act Of Charity

A wife arrived home from a shopping trip and was shocked to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband called out "Perhaps you should hear how all this came about..."

I was driving home on the highway when I saw this young woman looking tired and bedraggled.  I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten about in the fridge.

She was bare-footed so I gave her your good sandals which you had
discarded because they had gone out of style.

She was cold so I gave her the sweater which I bought for you for your birthday but you never wore because the color didn't suit you.

Her pants were torn, so I gave her a pair of your jeans, which were perfectly good, but too small for you now.

"Then just as she was about to leave, she asked, 'Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore ?'"

Esther was entranced with an expensive mink coat she had seen in an exclusive shop, and for days she cudgeled her brain to think of a way to bring up the subject to her husband. Suddenly she had an inspired
thought.

"Sol, last night I had a lovely dream."

"What kind of a dream, Esther?"

"I dreamed that we passed by Saks Fifth Avenue, and there in the window was this gorgeous mink coat -- only $6,200. And you know what you did? You went right in and bought it for me, Sollie dear!"

As a new bride, Edna moved into the small home on her husband's ranch near Snowflake. She put a shoe box on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband never to touch it. For 50 years Jack left the box alone, until Edna was old and dying.

One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important. Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500.00 in cash.

He took the box to her and asked about the contents. "My mother gave me that box the day we married," she explained. "She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you."

Jack was very touched that in 50 years she'd only been mad at him
twice. "What's the $82,500 for?" he asked.