Husband says; "When I'm gone you'll never find another man like me".

One night, an 87 year-old woman came home from bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman. Angry, she became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th-floor apartment, killing him instantly.

When brought before the court on charges of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in defense of herself.

“Buying A Gun”

A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a shotgun. "It's
for my husband," she tells the clerk.

"Did he tell you what gauge* to get?" asked the clerk.

"Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him!"

Lorraine

Fur Coat Guard

A fella was saying to his friend, "My wife seems to have developed
some sort of fixation that her collection of fur coats will be
stolen.

When I came home early one day last week, I found she'd hired someone to *guard* them!

In fact, she stationed the poor guy right inside the closet!"

As the crowded elevator descended,Mrs. Wilson became increasingly furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a pretty blonde.

As the elevator stopped at the main floor,the blonde suddenly whirled,
slapped Mr. Wilson, and said,"That will teach you to pinch!"

Bewildered, Mr. Wilson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I... I... didn't pinch that girl."

ALICE: Be careful, Bill, most home accidents happen in the
kitchen.

BILL: I know, I have to eat them.

The parents of a fifteen year old girl are talking...

Mom: I told you not to get Britany that new cell phone!

Dad: But why? Her old one was looking pretty bad.

Mom: She's used it so much that she needs a new battery already.

Dad: Really? How?

BEAUTICIAN: Did that mud pack I gave you for your wife improve
her appearance?

KNOWLEDGE CAN BE DANGEROUS

After sixty years of marriage an elderly couple were enjoying the evening, swinging on the front porch and looking at the beautiful sunset.

After a few minutes the ol' lady reaches over and knocks the hell out of the ol' man who goes flying off the porch and into the bushes.

The ol' man slowly gets up and makes his way back to his seat next to his wife on the swing. He sits there for a few minutes and then asks, "What was that for, Ma?"

She replies: "That's for having such a small pecker!"

A few more minutes go by and the ol' man reaches over and knocks the hell out of his wife,who also goes flying off the porch and into the bushes.She slowly gets up and makes her way back to her seat next to Pa.She sits there a minute and then asks, "What was that for, Pa?"

A gang-member was holding his 8 month old baby while his wife was in kitchen fixing lunch.

The baby murmured "mother".

Sue Bee

For a while my husband and I had opposite schedules. He worked during the day, and I worked at night. One morning, I noticed he had left a note to himself on the kitchen counter that read, "STAMPS!"

As a helpful surprise, I bought him some at the post office and put
them on the counter before going to work.

The next morning, I found the same note. The word "STAMPS!" was
crossed out. Underneath it, he had written,
"ONE MILLION DOLLARS!"

The following conversation took place one morning between a wife and her now ex-husband. They were discussing government cost cuts that they recently heard about in the paper.

"Honey," his wife said, while reading the newspaper, "it looks like our government is going to cut overhead and trim down the military forces. They are going to eliminate six over-aged destroyers."

My wife wanted me to stop smoking so I went to the doctor. He gave
me a box of these patches and said to use one a day. I said ok, and took them home.

My wife asked me what the doctor said. I showed her the patches and told her that the doctor said, to use one a patch day.

She commenced to sew one patch on each shirt I had. we still don't see how that's going to help me quit smoking.:0 Oh, well.

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweat shirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me,
"what setting do I use on the washing machine?"

I replied, "it depends, what does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "Green Bay Packers."