A husband and wife were eating in a restaurant when another man passes their table while creating and odoriferous zephyr.

"Hey!", yells the husband. "How dare you release your flatulence before my wife?"

Mrs. Anderson noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach.

She commented, "I don't think that is going to help."

The old lady had been married for many years when suddenly her husband died. This is what she put on his tombstone: "THE LIGHT OF MY LIFE HAS GONE OUT."

Not long afterward she met, fell in love with and married another man.

After thinking at some length about it, she went to the monument maker and had him add this to the tombstone:

THE LIGHT OF MY LIFE HAS GONE OUT.

I doubt there's any marriage where the partners don't quarrel once in a while. When my daughter was a teen, she greeted me one morning with: "I understand you & Mom had some words last nite."

On their way home after celebrating their 25th. anniversary, she thanks him for a wonderful evening.

Oh! it's not over yet", says he.

Once in the house, he gives her a little black velvet box.

She opens it in anticipation, "But what are these two little pills?"

"Aspirin", says he.

"But I don't have a headache," says she.

"There you are, I told you the evening wasn't over yet," says he.

I once asked my wife if she would love me when I'm old and bald.

"Did you fake it this time, darling?" the man asked after making love to his wife.

Man 1 : My wife is obsessed with cars. While she's asleep, she holds my bird and says 1st gear, 2nd gear etc.

A man has to take a business trip overseas so he entrusts his best friend with the job of keeping an eye on his wife. If anything out of the ordinary should occur, his friend was to notify him immediately.

After about a week with no contact, the businessman receives an e-mail containing only one sentence.

"The man who comes to visit your wife every night didn't show
up yesterday."

When a man's wife went into labor, he immediately dialed 911 in a
panic.

As soon as the dispatcher answered, he cried, "Help! My wife is having a baby. Her contractions are only two minutes apart. What do I do?"

"Calm down," the dispatcher said. "Is this her first child?"

A woman was at home with her children when the telephone rang. In going to answer it, she tripped on a rug, grabbed for something to hold on to and seized the telephone table. It fell over with a crash, jarring the receiver off the hook. As it fell, it hit the family dog, which leaped up,howling and barking. The woman's three-year-old son,startled by this noise, broke into loud screams.

The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely.

"I demand proper manners in bed," she declared, "just as I do at the dinner table."

Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets.

"Is that better?" he asked, with a hint of a smile.

"Yes," replied the girl, "much better."

John woke himself up with a loud "Hello!" to someone
in his dream.

As the next day came and went, John thought the nocturnal outburst was his alone to remember.

After my husband and I had a huge argument, we ended up not talking to each other for days.

Finally, on the third day, he asked where one of his shirts was.

"Oh," I said, "So now you're speaking to me."

He looked confused,

"What are you talking about?"

"Haven't you noticed I haven't spoken to you for three days?" I challenged.