Rated PG

Mary: My ex thought he was so cute when he called himself "Hammer."

Jill: Why? I don't understand.

Farmer Jake had a nagging wife who made his life miserable. The only realpeace that he got was when he was out in the field plowing.

One day when he was out in the field, Jake's wife brought his lunch to
him. Then she stayed while he quietly ate and berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Jake's old mule
kicked up his back legs, striking the wife in the head, and killing her instantly.

At the wake, Jake's minister noticed that when the women offered their
sympathy to Jake he would nod his head up and down. But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.

When the wake was over and all the mourners had left, the minister
approached Jake and asked, "Why was it that you nodded your head up and down to all the women and shook your head from side to side to all the men?"

A salesman's wife hears from several different women that her husband is carousing with other women on the road, cheating on his expense account and drinking heavily.

She sends him an urgent e-mail in an effort to save their marriage:

"Come home honey. We can still work things out. Why waste money on what you can get at home for nothing ?"

She receives a reply back the next evening. Judging by the number of typos, the man was obviously intoxicated.

A husband and his wife advertised for a live-in maid to cook and do the housework.

They hired a most comely young woman for the job. She worked out fine, was a good cook, was polite, and kept the house neat, and also kept the gentleman of the household most satisfied indeed!.

One day, after about six months, she came in and said she would have to quit. "But why?" asked the disappointed wife.

She hemmed and hawed and said she didn't want to say, but the wife was persistent, so finally she said, "Well, I'm pregnant."The wife said, "Look, we don't want to lose you. I am not able to have children and my husband and I would dearly love children, so we'll adopt your baby if you will stay."

She talked to her husband and of course he readily agreed, and the maid said she would stay. The baby came, they adopted it, and all went well.

After several months though, the maid came in again and said that she would have to quit. The wife questioned her, found out that she was pregnant again, talked to her husband, and offered to adopt the baby if she would stay.

She agreed, had the baby, they adopted it, and life went on as usual.

In a few months, however, she again said she would have to leave. Same thing. She was pregnant. They made the same offer, she agreed, and they adopted the third baby.

How To Drive Your Wife Crazy

Start asking her questions (don't mistakenly do anything) about cooking, cleaning and laundry. Say, "I think it's time I learn to take care of myself.You know, just in case."

Volunteer to cook for her. Make sure it's really greasy. Use every pot and pan in the house and be sure you spill and/or drop some of everything everywhere.

While brushing your teeth, flick the toothbrush first at the sink
and then at the mirror.

Never ask her to get you something from the kitchen when she's in the kitchen. Let her spend a good 30 minutes in there and when she reaches the sofa with a sigh of relief, say, "Will you PLEASE do me a favor and get me a beer? My back is just killing me
today."

Be sure to load up all your pockets with tissues before you drop them in the clothes hamper.

Leave yourself a trail of clothing, towels, dishes and everything else you put your hands on. This will ensure you never lose your way.

Wait until she's overwhelmed with work (Weekly Opportunity) lean in close and say, "Did you see how dusty the leaves on your house plants are?"

Put on a TV program and then pretend to keep falling asleep. Wake up each time she tries to change the channel and say, "Damn it, you know how much I looked forward to watching this! Don't be so selfish!"

Wait until she is totally engrossed in a movie and then tell her that something is really bugging you and you really need to talk about it. Be sure it's as stupid, boring and long winded as you can make it.

Wait until she's finally lost a few pounds on that diet. Start having uncontrollable urges for her favorite sin foods.(Most effective between 8-10 PM)When she repeatedly declines, stick it in her face anyway and say,"Oh, stop it! A little X isn't going to hurt you!"

Continue until all weight is regained. Then ask, "Hey, you've been on that diet a long time now. How much have you lost?"

Keep calling her at work to find out what time she plans to get home and what she plans to make for dinner. Make sure you're not in the mood for whatever she's making.

When the opportunity arises, be sure to cut the grass in your brand new white sneakers.

When you retrieve your clothes from the closet, leave the hanger in place and pull on the clothing until the hanger is mangled enough to allow the article to slip off.

Tell her something for the first time and act shocked that she didn't know about it. Pout and exclaim, "And you have the nerve to say I never listen to YOU!"

When you know she's grocery shopping, disappear! Come home just in time to watch her carry the last bag in. Grab the receipt and say,
"I'll get the rest for you dear." Feign surprise when she says that's it. End with, "This is all you got for how much?!"

When ogling a woman say, "Sure, she's gorgeous, but remember she's
young. I remember when you looked good too."

On the odd occasion you actually clean up a disgusting mess you made, use the best towels in the house.

As your stomach grows just wear your pants lower and flop it over the waistband. Then brag that, unlike your wife, you still wear the same size you did when you got married.

Wait until the night before you go on vacation and say, "Hon, you know the underwear and socks you packed for me? Well, the elastic is shot and I need new ones."

Always leave the shower head at just the right angle to hit her in the face with that jet of cold water when she turns it on.

Wait until she has repeatedly told you something. Come home shortly after and say, "X (woman's name most effective but could be suicidal) just gave me the best advice." and repeat word for word.

When doing filthy jobs around the house be sure to wear your good
clothes.

Harass her into telling people a story and proceed to interrupt every other sentence with, "No, that's not what..."

Whenever something is ready to break, make sure your wife is the next to use it. When it breaks, look at her and say, "What the hell did you do?! I never had a problem with it!"

Even though the water is yellow and foamy, swear you flushed the
toilet.

Doug had a sense of humor and always laughed it off.

One day, one of his friends asked the tiresome question again,"Who wears the pants in your family?"

"I do," Doug answered.

A HUSBAND'S FINAL REQUEST!

Sometime after Bernie died, his widow, Rachel, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful, considerate, and wonderful man her late husband had been.

"My Bernie thought of everything", she told them. "Just before he died, he called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes.
'Rachel', he told me. 'I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am gone, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed.Knowing you'll do this, I can rest in peace'."

"What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked.

"The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money to buy a nice casket'. So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably.

"The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for a nice funeral'. I made Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for when we began shiva".

"And the third envelope?" asked her friends.

"The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use this to buy a nice stone'.

At that point, Rachel held up her hand and pointed to her ring finger, onwhich was a gorgeous ten carat diamond ring.

A married couple were having a disagreement while sitting in bed.

The wife said to her husband, "You're impossible."

A mild mannered man is tired of his wife bossing him around, so he decides to go to a psychiatrist.

The doctor tells him to develop self-esteem. The doctor gave him a booklet that he read on the way home.

When he walked through the door and his wife came to greet him, he said, "From now on, I am the master of this house and my word is law. When I come home from work, I want my dinner on the table. Now, get upstairs and lay my clothes on the bed as tonight I will be going out with the boys. Then drawmy bath. When I get out of the tub, guess who is going to dress me and comb my hair?"

WIFE: Let's go out and have some fun tonight.

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"

She said, "Some where I have never been!"

I told her, "How about the kitchen?"

Andy Rooney On Cripes:

My wife's from the Midwest.

Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes'. 'For Cripe's sake.' Who would that be -- Jesus Cripe's? The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'?

Andy Rooney On Morning Differences:

Men and women are different in the morning.

We men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you.

The women are thinking, 'How can he want me the way I look in the morning?'

Just another brilliant example of how men think on their feet......!

A bloke was invited out for a night with "the boys" and told his wife that he would be home by midnight...promise!

Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy.

At around 2:30 am, drunk as a skunk, he headed for home. Just as
he got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and
cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, he realized she'd probably wake up, so he cuckooed another
9 times.

He was really proud of himself, having a quick witty solution, even
when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.

The next morning his wife asked him what time he got in, and I told
her twelve o'clock.

She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

She then told him that they needed a new cuckoo clock.