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Author
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Topic: Husbands & Wives
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 07-16-2004 09:52 AM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif) Michael
I love her but....
*She has an uncanny way of standing between me and the TV screen. Bases loaded, two strikes, three balls. The crowd goes wild, the pitch flies, and all I can see is her butt.
*What's mine is hers. I buy her negligees; she sleeps in my t- shirts. When she's cold she wears my wool socks to bed, never her own. She steals my half-used razors; new ones are too sharp. She even wears my boxers. I'm tempted to switch to briefs just to see what she'd do.
*She makes lists. Things to buy. Things to do. People to call. If it's not on the list, it doesn't get done. Once, to be funny, I put "sex" on the list. Mistake. Now it has to be on the list or it doesn't get done.
*She's stopped shaving her legs. She says that now people will know she's a natural blonde.
*She will not shop at discount stores or sales. She thinks they're crowded and plebeian. She doesn't even look at the reduced rack, other than, perhaps, for gifts for my mother.
*Counting my wife and our teenage girls, that's four women. Somebody's always got PMS.
*With five kids, I don't have time to complain about my wife. I don't have time to notice her. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 07-20-2004 10:07 AM
Rated G Hank in Simi
Joe,a 70 year old extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm who hangs over Joe's arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. They corner him and ask, "Joe, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?"
Joe replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"
They're knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?"
Joe says, "I lied about my age."
His friends respond, "What do you mean? Did you tell her you were only 50?"
Joe smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 07-21-2004 10:26 AM
Rated R
The young bride approached her awaiting husband on their wedding night and demanded $20 for their first love making encounter.In his highly aroused state,he readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next 30 years, him thinking it was a cute way for her to buy new clothes,etc.
Arriving home around noon one day,she found her husband in a very
drunken state. Over the next few minutes she heard of the ravages of financial ruin caused by corporate down sizing and
it's effects on a 50-year old executive.
Calmly, she handed him a bank book showing deposits and interest
for 30 years totaling nearly $1 million dollars.
Pointing across the parking lot, she gestured toward the local bank while handing him stock certificates worth nearly $2
million dollars and informing him that he was the largest stockholder in the bank.
She told him that for 30 years she had charged him each time they
had sex,and this was the result of her investments.
By now he was distraught and beating his head against the side of the car.
She asked him why the disappointment at such good news.
Hereplied,"If I had known what you were doing,I would have
given you all of my business! ![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
> > Men have no idea when to keep their mouth shut.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 07-23-2004 01:38 PM
Rated G
My wife says she holds me responsible for most of our marital problems. Just goes to show ya how much she knows I'm never home.
I asked my wife the other day what she liked best about me; my firm, trim body or my intellect. She said,Your sense of humor dear.
I found the neatest way to make my wife a more careful and defensive driver.
I pointed out that if she's ever in an accident, the paper's gonna print her real age.
My wife is so talented. She does the best bird imitations. She watches me like a hawk.
I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?
I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?"
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.
She has an electric blender, electric toaster, electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So what did I do? Bought her an electric chair.
My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week.
My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, "I" stayed in the bathroom and cried.
My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree!
She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.
She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it.
I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 07-28-2004 10:03 AM
Rated G Lorraine
My husband, who runs his contracting business from our home, installed a cellular phone in his car so he could make calls while on the road.
Enchanted with his new "toy," he called me for the fifth time one afternoon to ask, "Any messages?" "No, dear, not since last time you called twenty minutes ago," I replied wearily, wondering when the novelty would wear off.
I hung up and to my surprise, he walked in the door. He had called me from the driveway.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 07-29-2004 12:21 PM
Rated G
Roger was fed up with his wife, so he packed up his stuff and moved into the garage. Although the couple seldom spoke, he continued to mow the lawn, take out the garbage, and fix the car, while she cooked the meals, vacuumed and did the laundry.
Months later, Roger met his friend Don for drinks."Things don't seem to be working out any better," Don remarked."Why don't you just move out?"
"Well, if you really want to know the truth," Roger explained,
"she makes such a good neighbor."
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