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Author Topic: Husbands & Wives Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-02-2006 02:13 PM                        Rated G The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his check book open.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-02-2006 02:17 PM                        Rated G Maggie In almost every marriage there is a selfish and an unselfish partner. A pattern is set up and soon becomes inflexible, of one person always making the demands and one person always giving way.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-03-2006 10:07 AM                        Rated G B.B. Heard at a party: "My husband and I have managed to be happy together for 20 years. I guess this is because we're both in love with the same man."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-03-2006 03:12 PM                        Rated G Murphy told Quinn that his wife is driving him to drink. Quinn remarked that Murphy was a very lucky man, because his own wife makes him walk to the pub.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-03-2006 03:13 PM                        Rated G The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. --Henny Youngman  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-05-2006 12:46 PM                        Rated G A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a little pebble on a vast beach. The marriage counselor, trying to be creative, told him, "If you wish to save your marriage, you'd better be a little boulder."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-06-2006 10:46 AM                        Rated X Wild Child Voted Best Joke of the Year in Australia A guy walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says: "Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache." His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot." The man says: " I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-07-2006 09:55 AM                        Rated G Gerry Man to wife as they leave supermarket: "How does it feel to be nouveau poor?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-07-2006 11:31 AM                        Rated G B.B. When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, fishing, always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalk." The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-07-2006 11:43 AM                        Rated G The man walked over to the perfume counter and told the clerk he'd like a bottle of Channel No. 5 for his wife's birthday. "A little surprise, eh?" smiled the clerk. "You bet," answered the customer. "She's expecting a cruise."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-09-2006 10:26 AM                        Rated G B.B. Marriage is like twirling a baton, turning handsprings, or eating with chopsticks. It looks easy till you try it.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-10-2006 11:46 AM                        Rated G Spaz After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned. There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, "I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot- wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star." Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from thoughout the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a note on the door reading, "Well, you still have your car. I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don't I?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-11-2006 09:00 PM                        Rated G An errant husband kept a wife and a mistress who had never met. He wanted to find out whether both women were faithful to him, so he packed them off on the same cruise with the intention of questioning each on the other's behavior. When his wife returned, he asked her a few general questions about the people on the cruise before focusing on the behavior of the passenger who was his secret mistress. " She was a total slut," reported the wife. "She must have slept with almost every man on the ship." The husband was crestfallen and later asked his cheating mistress how his wife had behaved on the cruise. "She was a real lady." said the mistress. The husband brightened. "Really?" "Yes, she came on board with her husband and never left his side."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-11-2006 09:13 PM                        Rated G Jewell Bad Bernie was in prison for seven years. The day he got out, his wife and son were there to pick him up. He came through the gates and got into the car. The only thing he said was, "F.F." His wife turned to him and answered, "E.F." Out on the highway, he said, "F.F." She responded simply, "E.F." He repeated, "F.F." She again replied, "E.F." "Mom! Dad!" their son yelled. "What's going on?" Bad Bernie answered, "Your mother wants to eat first!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-11-2006 09:16 PM                        Rated G Bruce A man and his wife were lying in bed the other night when he noticed she had bought a new book entitled, "What 20 Million American Women Want." He grabbed the book out of her hands and started thumbing through the pages. His wife was a little annoyed. "Hey, what do you think you're doing?" He calmly replied, "I just wanted to see if they spelled my name right."  |  IP: Logged

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