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Author Topic: Husbands & Wives Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-13-2006 07:02 AM                        Rated G B.B. Bob: "My wife has the worst memory I ever heard of." Joe: "Forgets everything, eh?" Bob: "No, remembers everything."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-13-2006 07:28 AM                        Rated G B.B. Two golden girls were discussing their husbands over tea. "I do wish that my Homer would stop biting his nails. He makes me terribly nervous." "My William used to do the same thing," the older woman replied. "But I broke him of the habit." "How?" "I hid his teeth."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-18-2006 03:47 PM                        Rated G A woman's husband dies leaving her with only $20,000 to her name. After everything is done at the funeral home andcemetery, she tells her closest friend that she has no money left. The friend says, "How can that be? You told me you still had $20,000 left just a few days before your husband died. How could you be broke?" The widow says, "Well, the funeral home cost me $5,000. And of course, I had to make the obligatory donation to the temple, so that was another $5,000. The rest went for the memorial stone." The friend says, "$10,000 for the memorial stone? My goodness, how big was it?" Extending her left hand, the widow says, "Three carats."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-19-2006 12:09 PM                        Rated G My wife chewed me out at the company picnic a while back. "Doesn't it embarrass you that people have seen you go up to the buffet table five times???" "Not a bit," I replied. "I just tell them I'm filling up the plate for you!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-19-2006 01:35 PM                        Rated G For our 20th anniversary my husband and I vacationed in Hawaii, where we went snorkeling. After an hour in the water, everyone got back on the boat, except for me and one handsome young man. As I continued my underwater exploring, I noticed that everywhere I swam, he swam. I snorkeled for another 40 minutes. So did he. I felt very flattered and, as I took off my fins, asked him coyly why he had stayed in the water for so long. "I'm the lifeguard," he replied matter-of-factly. "I can't get out until you do."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-20-2006 08:46 AM                        Rated G cutie pa2ti Wife: I think our neighbor Mrs. Johnson must be upset about something. She hasn't been over to visit for weeks. Husband: Find out what happened, and next time she comes over we'll try it again.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-20-2006 01:16 PM                        Rated G Elaine Husbands are like fires. They go out when unattended.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-20-2006 01:38 PM                        Rated G B.B. On their 40th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration. "Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?" Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness...and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-20-2006 01:41 PM                        Rated G Soon after our last child left home for college, my husband was resting next to me on the couch with his head in my lap. I carefully removed his glasses. "You know, honey," I said sweetly, "Without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married." "Honey," he replied with a grin, "Without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-21-2006 08:34 AM                        Ratyed G Ken Marriage is the alliance of two people one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other never forgets them.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-21-2006 12:56 PM                        Rated G B.B. At my granddaughter's wedding, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married longest. It turned out to be my husband and I. The DJ asked us, "What advice would you give to the newly- married couple?" I said, "The three most important words in a marriage are, 'You're probably right.'" Everyone then looked at my husband. He said, "She's probably right."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-22-2006 08:28 AM                        Rated G Lorraine After we had settled into our new house in the fall, my wife reminded me that one picture had yet to be hung. The polite reminders continued into the spring and summer. One evening, almost a year after the move, Bev demanded the picture be hung. I walked over to where it was on the floor and, to my surprise noticed a nail in the wall--at exactly the spot where the picture was to be hung.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-22-2006 12:38 PM                        Rated G George A guy walked into his friend's office, he found him sitting at his desk, looking very depressed. "Hey, what's up with you?" he asks. "Oh, its my wife," replied the man sadly. "She's hired a new secretary for me." "Well, nothing wrong in that. Is she blonde or brunette?" "Neither, He's bald."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-23-2006 03:14 PM                        Rated G B.B. "Sir," said the timid employee to his boss, "my wife says I'm to ask you for a raise." "Fine," the boss replied. "I'll ask my wife if I can give you one."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-27-2006 10:53 AM                        Rated G I took Spanish lessons every day while my husband and I lived in Argentina. After a month, my tutor encouraged me to "speak to the shop clerks, the maid, speak to everyone and practise, practise." A few days later my husband and I went out for dinner. I studied the menu carefully, and in a confident manner gave the waiter my order in Spanish. His eyes widened ever so slightly. "Señora, I believe you want onions in your salad, not horses."  |  IP: Logged

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