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Author Topic: Husbands & Wives Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-20-2006 03:27 PM                        Rated G Lorraine "Memory is what tells a man that his wife's birthday was yesterday." --Mario Rocco  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-21-2006 08:58 AM                        Rated G Lorraine On our first trip to Philadelphia, my husband, Matt, and I became hopelessly lost. Matt was loath to ask for directions, but after we both grew weary of walking, he reluctantly approached an outdoor newspaper vendor. After Matt explained our dilemma, the vendor walked into the sun at the edge of the sidewalk, turned his head from side to side, then gave us directions. Matt joined me a short distance away. "I don't believe I did that," he said. "The man who just gave me directions is blind."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-21-2006 02:47 PM                        Rated G Quirk "An Ohio couple got married in the same McDonald's restaurant where they met.I wonder if the groom wore a condiment on their wedding night? Apparently the bride was disappointed to find the groom didn't come "super sized"." Jim Barach  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-21-2006 03:51 PM                        Rated G After four years of separation, my wife and I finally divorced amicably. I wanted to date again, but I had no idea of how to start, so I decided to look in the personals column of the local newspaper. After reading through all the listings, I circled three that seemed possible in terms of age and interest, but I put off calling them. Two days later, there was a message on my answering machine from my ex-wife. "I came over to your house to borrow some tools today and saw the ads you circled in the paper. Don't call the one in the second column. That's me."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-22-2006 12:38 PM                        Rated G B.B. A woman walks in a store to return a pair of eyeglasses that she had purchased for her husband a week before. "What seems to be the problem, madam?" "I'm returning these glasses I bought for my husband. He's still not seeing things my way."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-22-2006 02:29 PM                        Rated G Lorraine "A succesful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A succesful woman is one who can find such a man." Lana Turner  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-22-2006 02:39 PM                        Rated G A co-worker told George that George's wife was being unfaithful everyday at 1:30 in the afternoon with George's best friend. Worried and hurt, George ran home at 1:30 to see if this was true. He came back to the office contented and relieved. His co-worker asked him how it went. "Look," said George. "Don't start such terrible rumors! That guy isn't my best friend...I don't even know him."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-22-2006 02:41 PM                        Rated G Bruce A couple just started their Lamaze class and they were given an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand - to give him an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant. The husband stood up and shrugged saying, "This doesn't feel so bad." The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up. "You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife would do it?" the husband asked. "Exactly," replied the instructor. To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pick up that pen for me."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-23-2006 10:31 AM                        Rated G Barry The poor old clunker of a piano I had impulsively bought languished in a corner of our living room for a year. "It's the piano or me!" my wife finally declared. So I called a junk man whom I knew to collect it the next day. When he didn't show, I phoned again. "I've already got your piano on my truck," he claimed. "Nope," I said, "it's still here." It turns out he had gone to a house on my street and asked the lady who answered the door if she had a piano to go. She'd said yes. After we talked, he took it back to her house, but she turned him away. She'd wanted to get rid of her piano for years. The poor old clunker of a piano I had impulsively bought languished in a corner of our living room for a year. "It's the piano or me!" my wife finally declared. So I called a junk man whom I knew to collect it the next day. When he didn't show, I phoned again. "I've already got your piano on my truck," he claimed. "Nope," I said, "it's still here." It turns out he had gone to a house on my street and asked the lady who answered the door if she had a piano to go. She'd said yes. After we talked, he took it back to her house, but she turned him away. She'd wanted to get rid of her piano for years.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-23-2006 10:33 AM                        Rated G Mason I ordered flowers and gave the clerk my wife's name as the recipient, along with our address and phone number. Then the clerk asked my name. "It's Mason," I replied. "And your last name?" she asked. "It's the same," I said. As I was leaving the store I glanced at the receipt I was holding. The name was "Mason Mason."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-23-2006 10:38 AM                        Rated G B.B. The husband was not home at his usual hour, and the wife was fuming, as the clock ticked later and later. Finally, about 3:00 AM she heard a noise at the front door, and as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was her husband, drunk as a skunk, trying to navigate the stairs. "Do you realize what time it is," she said. He answered, "Don't get excited, I'm late because I bought something for the house." Immediately her attitude changed, and as she ran down the stairs to meet him halfway, she said, "What did you buy for the house, dear?" His answer was, "A round of drinks!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-23-2006 11:01 AM                        Rated G B.B. The officer pulled me over for speeding. I explained that I was rushing home to be with my wife on our first anniversary. Rather than letting me off, he wrote out the ticket, handed it to me, and said, "Congratulations. The first year is paper, right?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-24-2006 03:53 PM                        Rated G Ken Now that I'm married, I know why they call English the Mother Tongue. Father never gets a chance to use it.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-24-2006 03:54 PM                        Rated G Gerry You might say my wife gets her own way. She writes in her diary a week in advance.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-24-2006 03:56 PM                        Rated G Diana Barbara and Jim had been engaged for several months. A concerned Barbara expressed to her mother, "Jim keeps lavishing me with one expensive gift after another. How can I get him to stop spending so much money on me?" "Easy," the mother replied, "Just marry him!"  |  IP: Logged

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