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Author Topic: Husbands & Wives Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-24-2006 03:58 PM                        Rated G Betsy A thoughtful wife is one who has the pork chops ready when her husband comes home from a fishing trip.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-24-2006 04:06 PM                        Rated G B.B. Wendy was waiting her turn at the bakery, when she heard a prospective bride give the cake decorator a hard time as she previewed her wedding cake. She demanded many extras and was critical of the work he'd done so far. After she left, he muttered, "I'm glad I put my special golden award on this cake. That young woman is sure eligible for it." Curious, Wendy studied the cake closely, but saw nothing. Finally the decorator pointed to the tiny bridegroom atop the cake with his tiny bride and there it was. Barely visible was the "golden award", a tiny wedding ring, inserted in the groom's nose.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-24-2006 04:59 PM                        Rated G B.B. While waiting to register at a hotel, I overheard the couple ahead of me asking for a room with a king, queen or double bed. The clerk apologized and said that the only rooms available had twin beds. Disappointed, the man remarked, "I don't know. We've been sharing the same bed for 44 years." "Could you possibly put them close together?" the wife asked. Several people nearby smiled, and someone commented, "How romantic." Then the woman finished her request with, "Because if he snores, I want to be able to punch him."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-25-2006 11:45 AM                        Rated PG MAKES MY EYES TEAR -UP, SUCH A HAPPY ENDING A couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back." Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife. "I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer." The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the Refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 Different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc. The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of Saying was, "Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar... You know... they have frozen Glasses... " He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it. The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back I promise.OK?" "You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings,pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and pork strips. "But my sweet honey... at the bar.... you know there's swearing, dirty words and all that..." "You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP CHICKEN SHIT! SIT YOUR ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR! THAT SHIT IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?" ... and, they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story? --  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-25-2006 03:29 PM                        Rated G Lorraine "They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning." -Clint Eastwood  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-25-2006 03:31 PM                        Rated G My wife and I, both graduate students, recently celebrated the arrival of our first child. At my wife's insistence, we had paid our entire medical bill and were now worried about meeting other payments. We were discussing our sad financial situation one evening when our son demanded a diaper change. As my wife leaned over the baby's crib, I heard her mutter, "The only thing in the house that's paid for, and it leaks."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-25-2006 03:50 PM                        Rated G B.B. Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories. -- John Wilmot  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-26-2006 06:58 AM                        Rated G Sambo Marriage is like a violin. After all the beautiful music is over, the strings are still attached.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-27-2006 10:33 AM                        Rated G Diana One of our neighbors is making interesting plans for the future. She says when her husband dies, she's not going to have him buried. I said, "What are you going to do?" She said, "I'm going to have him stuffed and mounted and put on the living room couch. Then I'll turn on the TV to a football game, talk to him and he won't asnwer.It'll be just like he never left."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-27-2006 02:42 PM                        Rated G cutie pa2ti Regarding marriage, my male friend's motto is: "What God has put asunder, let no man join together."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-28-2006 06:51 AM                        Rated G Quirk "My best friend ran away with my wife. I really miss him." --Henny Youngman  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-28-2006 07:02 AM                        Rated G Gerry My wife and I faced a tough decision at a restaurant the other night. We had to decide whether we wanted the prime rib, the lobster tail or a month of electricity.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-29-2006 08:02 AM                        Rated G Valerie Two Yuppettes were shopping. When they started to discuss their home lives, one said, "Seems like all Alfred and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset I've lost 20 pounds." "Why don't you just leave him then?" asked her friend. "Oh! Not yet." the first replied, "I'd like to lose at least another fifteen pounds first."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-29-2006 08:06 AM                        Rated G Gerry John was adjusting his tie in front of the mirror tonight before this awards dinner and he asked his wife, "Honey, how many great men do you think there are in the world today?" "One less than you think," his wife replied.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-30-2006 09:33 AM                        Rated G There's only one way to have a happy marriage, and as soon as I learn what it is, I'll get married again.  |  IP: Logged

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