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Author Topic: Husbands & Wives Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-09-2006 04:40 PM                        Rated PG DIRTY WORDS...THOSE DIRTYWORDS Please excuse the rough language in the following story . . . A young Jewish couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When they got back,the bride immediately called her mother. "Well," said her mother, "so how was the honeymoon?" "Oh, Mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful!So romantic . .Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Reggie started using the most horrible language ..things I'd never heard before! I mean,all these awful four-letter words! You've got to take me home . . ., PLEASE MAMA!" "Maxine, Maxine," her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT four-letter words?" "Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed,they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!" "Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible four-letter words!" Sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama . . ., he used words like dust, wash, iron, cook . . ." "I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-11-2006 09:45 AM                        Rated G Lorraine Devon went on a business trip for a few days. When he returned, his wife reported that the dog really missed him. "She spent every night at the front door, awaiting your return," she said. "What an example of true love," Devon replied. "I wonder if you'd be that concerned about me?" "Honey," she answered, "if you were gone overnight, and I didn't know where you were, you can be sure I'd be waiting for you at the front door."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-02-2006 11:16 AM                        Rated PG A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to hernhusband, "I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment". The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect". He never heard the shot...  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-03-2006 08:49 AM                        Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont. How to Solve Mid-Life Crisis When I was married 25 years,I took a look at my wife one day and said,"Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car,slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV,but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde. Now,we have a nice house,nice car,big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman.It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things." My wife is a very reasonable woman.She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blonde,and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment,driving a cheap car,sleeping on a sofa bed. Aren't older women great.They really know how to solve your mid-life crises... [ 12-13-2006, 12:43 PM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-13-2006 12:43 PM                        Rated G My wife, a flight attendant for a major airline, watched one day as a passenger overloaded with bags tried to stuff his belongings into the overhead rack. Finally, she informed him that he would have to check the oversized luggage. "When I fly other airlines," he said irritably, "I don't have this problem." My wife smiled, "When you fly other airlines, I don't have this problem either."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-16-2006 11:08 AM                        Rated G My wife and I take turns walking our five-year-old daughter to the bus stop for school every morning. Today was my turn, and as me and all the other moms in the neighborhood waited one of them asked me to say hello to my wife. "I will," I said. "it'll make her feel better. She has pneumonia..." "Oh, poor girl," they all said in unison. One of them crooked her eyebrow at me and said, "I hope you're helping her with the kids, the cooking and cleaning." "I can't," I said pointing to the band aid on my index finger. "Hangnail."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-16-2006 11:22 AM                        Rated G Wife to bill-paying husband: "I slashed expenses last month. Everything was charged on one credit card so that it will cost only one stamp to pay all of our bills."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-16-2006 11:23 AM                        Rated G New Bride to her new husband: 'Dear, don't expect the first few meals to be great. It takes time to find the right restaurant.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-27-2006 06:22 AM                        Rated G Lulu "Has your husband lived up to all the things he said before you were married?" "No, He's only lived up to one of them." "Which one was that?" "He said he wasn't good enough for me."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-09-2007 02:06 PM                        Rated G The Joker The clerk asked me, "Cash, check or charge?" after ringing up my purchase. As I fumbled through my wallet, she noticed a remote control in my purse. Do you always carry your TV remote?" she asked. "No", I replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-19-2007 01:57 PM                        Rated G B.B. "How did the wedding go?" asked the preacher's wife. "Just fine until I asked the bride if she would obey and she said, 'Do you think I'm nuts?' and the groom said, 'I do,' and then things really began to happen fast."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-25-2007 09:28 AM                        Rated G B.B. Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside desperate to get out. - Montaigne  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-01-2007 08:47 AM                        Rated X Ed in Aurora, Ont. A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. "Quick," said the woman to the lover, "into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him. "I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the ext erminator. "What are you doing in there?" the husband asked. "I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied. "And where are your clothes?" asked the husband. The man looked down at himself and said, .. "Those little bastards....."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-03-2007 09:29 PM                        Rated G Blanche: Herb, we need to talk! Herb: Why are you so upset? Blanche: Because earlier I saw you open an envelope that smelled like perfume and had female handwriting on it. When you read the note inside, your hands trembled and you started sweating. Tell me who it's from and what it said, and your answer had better be good! Herb: It was from a dress shop. It said you owe them $500.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-04-2007 07:46 AM                        Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont. There were three gals who were getting married and all met at the marriage counselor's office to discuss the options of having or not having a baby right away. There were two city gals and one farm gal. The counselor asked them if they planned on having a baby right away or were going to wait awhile. They all agreed that they had discussed this with their potential husbands and all agreed to wait awhile. Well the counselor asked the first gal what type of birth control she planned to use. Her answer was the rhythm method. That will work said the counselor if you keep a good record. He asked the second gal what system she planned on using. I plan on using birth control pills she said. Again he said, yes that will work as long as you don't forget to take them. He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning on using. Her answer was, the pail and saucer, method. After a short delay, he again told her that should also work. He asked them all to come back in one year on a specific date for a follow up on how things were going. They all met again one year later and the two city gals were pregnant. Only the farm gal was slim and trim yet. Well the counselor asked the first gal what method she used and she said the rhythm method, but somehow got her notes mixed up and, well here I am, going to have a baby. He asked the second city gal what method she used and she replied, the birth control pill but we were camping one weekend and I didn't have my pills with me and as you can see, I too am going to have a baby. He turns to the farm gal and told her that I vaguely remember you were going to use the pail and saucer method. Now I must admit that I don't have a clue what the pail and saucer method is. Will you explain it to me as I see it has worked well for you. She replied, "Well we make love standing up, and since I am quite a bit taller than my husband, he stands on a pail turned upside down. Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes get as big as saucers, I kick the pail out from under him!!!  |  IP: Logged

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