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Author Topic: Husbands & Wives Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-01-2007 09:34 AM                        Rated G Hank in Simi Valley A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her "Hello - How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you." When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her. "Which word?" the woman asked. "Love." The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven. About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived."I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?" "Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word," the woman told him. "Which word?" her husband asked. " Czechoslovakia "  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-11-2007 11:21 AM                        Rated PG Ed in Aurora, Ont. Her Favourite Flower: While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Wally and his wife Carolyn listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." He addressed the men, "Can you describe your wife's favourite flower?" Wally leaned over, touched Carolyn's arm gently and whispered, "Robin Hood All-Purpose, isn't it?" And thus began Wally's life of celibacy.  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 06-12-2007 01:11 PM                        Rated PG.... After I'd been married 30 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, “Honey, 30 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a twin bed and watched a 17-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 22 year old brunette. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things.” My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 22 year old brunette, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed, and watching a 17-inch black and white TV. Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-17-2007 12:50 PM                        Rating R Hank in Simi Valley Husband and wife in bed together. She feels his hand rubbing her shoulder. She: "Oh, that feels good." His hand moves to her breast. She: "Gee, honey, that feels wonderful." His hand moves to her leg. She: "Oh, honey, don't stop." But he stops. She: "Why did you stop?" He: "I found the remote."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-02-2007 01:21 PM                        Rated G Sandy in Coronado The Good Husband Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker,but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean.So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian" He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?" "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door. Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??" His son replies, "Oh, THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!" Broken Coffee Table $239.99 hot Breakfast $4.20 Two Aspirins $.38 Saying the right thing, at the right time ..."Priceless!"  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 08-22-2007 12:20 PM                        Rated G... The room was full of pregnant women, with their partners. The Lamaze Class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurances to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy. She said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is GOOD for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier!" She looked at the men in the room. "And gentlemen, remember. You're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with your partner." The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information. Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand. "Yes?" answered the teacher. "I was just wondering," the man said. "Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-10-2007 02:30 PM                        Rated G Subject: MEMORIAL STONE A husband died, leaving a will that provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last of the visitors departed the affair, his wife, Dawn, turned to her oldest friend Karen and said, "Well, I'm sure he would be pleased." "I'm sure you're right," replied Karen, who then lowered her voice and leaned in close, "How much did this really cost?" "All of it," said Dawn. "Thirty thousand." "No!" Karen exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?" Dawn replied, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone." Karen computed quickly. "$22,500 for a Memorial Stone? My God, how big is it?" "Two and a half carats."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-10-2007 07:49 PM                        Rated G Elaine My husband and I used to fight about that night out with the boys, but it's not like I was doing it every night.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-11-2007 01:44 PM                        Rated G Lorraine I know a husband and wife who have separate bedrooms, drive different cars, take separate vacations, work different shifts, have their own computers, and even have their own ISPs, separate e-mail addresses and Home Pages. They say they're doing everything they can to keep their marriage together.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-29-2007 12:56 PM                        Rated G Tony in Lyme, CT After being married for 44 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 44 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10- inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old gal. Now I have a $500,000 house, $45,000 car, nice big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 65-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things." My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old gal, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car,sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV. Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-11-2007 01:41 PM                        Rated R Dave in Aurora, Ont Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives. However, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk, and walking home, they needed to releive themselves, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with, so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend, however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home. The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed -- hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!" "That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said... "From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-11-2007 06:50 PM                        Rated G Lorraine As Sue was getting to know Karl and his family, she was very impressed by how much his parents, Al and Angela loved each other. "They're so thoughtful," Sue said. "Why, your dad even brings your mom a cup of hot coffee in bed every morning." After a time, Sue and Karl were engaged, and then married. On the way from the wedding to the reception, Sue again remarked on Karl's loving parents, and even the coffee in bed. "Tell me," she said, "does it run in the family?" "It sure does," replied Karl. "And I take after my mom."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-15-2007 07:30 PM                        Rated XXX Ed in Aurora, Ont. The 11th Husband.... A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin". "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times.?" "Well, husband#1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be. "Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was suppose to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me. "Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. "Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. "Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method. "Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. "Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it. "Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it. "Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it. "Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was........ God I miss him. " But now that I've married you, I'm so excited". "Wonderful", said the husband, "but why? "Your're with the "GOVERNMENT".. This time I KNOW I'M gonna get SCREWED ."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-09-2007 08:40 PM                        Rated G Ed in Aurora Perfect Password A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, the computer advised him that he would now need to enter a password, something he will use to log on. The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife what he was entering by stating each letter out as he typed... P... E... N... I... S... His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied: ***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-28-2007 12:08 PM                        Rated G One week after moving into his apartment, Ed called his mother to complain about his neighbors: "One woman cries all day, another lies in bed, moaning, and then there's the guy who keeps banging his head against the wall." "You'd better keep away from them," his mother said. "I do. I stay inside all day, playing my tuba."  |  IP: Logged

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