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Author Topic: Husbands & Wives Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-08-2007 08:01 AM                        Rated G Marty After a very trying day at the office, a husband was relaxing in his recliner reading the paper. Suddenly his wife, who was working on a crossword puzzle, called out, "Hey, what is a female sheep called?" "Ewe" replied her husband. And that is how the argument started.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-13-2007 07:45 AM                        Rated G Lorraine I was invited to dinner at the home of an elderly couple, and I noticed they had a new dishwasher. "Walter has been doing the dishes since the children left home," my hostess informed me. "I thought he needed a break." Smiling, she added: "When I filled out the warranty registration card, there was a space for 'age of previous dishwasher.' I wrote '82 years.'"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-13-2007 07:56 AM                        Rated G How To Cook A Husband Be careful in your selection. Do not choose too young. When once selected, give your entire thoughts to preparation for domestic use. Some insist on keeping them in a pickle. Others are constantly getting them into hot water. This makes them sour, hard to get along with and sometimes bitter. Even poor varieties may be made sweet, tender and good by garnishing them with patience and sweetening with kisses. Wrap them in a mantle of charity. Keep warm with a steady fire of domestic devotion, and serve with peaches and cream. Thus prepared, they will keep well for years.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-14-2007 08:14 AM                        Rated G Lorraine The honeymoon is over when the husband calls home to say he'll be late for dinner and the answering machine says it is in the microwave.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-15-2007 12:02 PM                        Rated G Lulu A wife became suspicious because her husband was spending long periods of time away from home, supposedly on business trips. So she hired a private investigator to follow him and report on his behavior. The detective reported that he travelled to a near-by city where he spent his evenings in an apartment with a beautiful woman, and had photographs to prove it. When her husband returned from his “business trip,” she confronted him about his involvement with another woman. He then confessed to having a second marriage. When his wife reacted in disbelief, the man said, . . . ”I think it was bigamy to admit it.”  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-17-2007 02:06 PM                        Rated G SIGNS YOU'RE DONE HAVING KIDS There are no more slots in the plastic photo holder in your wallet. You've purchased a little defibrillator for that rabbit. You've calculated that your college tuition costs in 2021 will be more than the Gross National Product of Portugal. The smell of baby powder makes you break out in a sweat and run from the room. The sight of a baby used to make you say, "Awwwww." Now it makes you say, "Naw!" A baby's cry automatically activates your gag reflex. Your tubes have not only been tied, they've been gagged as well.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-23-2007 10:53 AM                        Rated G Gerry In bed my wife sprawls out all over the mattress. I said, "I'm tired of only having two inches in this bed." She said, "Now you know how I feel."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-25-2007 09:35 AM                        Rated G A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be eight again." she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her off to the local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, every thing there was. Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, and her favorite lolly and M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, Well, Dear, what was it like being eight again?" Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size!!!!!!! The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it wrong.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-26-2007 09:27 AM                        Rated G Lorraine "Have you ever had a mental block when you’re trying to spell a word?" I asked my husband. I told him that I had wanted to withdraw $40 that day from our account, but I couldn’t remember if 40 was spelled "fourty" or "forty." "What did you do?" he asked. "I took out $50."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-17-2007 09:40 AM                        Rated G the little woman HUSBAND: a man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until December 24 to do his Christmas shopping.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-17-2007 09:56 AM                        Rated G alanv71 A man's walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows. It's a prostitute. He'd never been with a prostitute before. "Twenty quid," she says. He decides what the hell, it's only twenty quid. They're going at it for a minute or 2 when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It's a police officer. "What's going on here?" asks the officer. "I'm making love to my wife," the man answers indignantly. Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know." "Well," said the man, "neither did I until you shined that light in her face."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-21-2007 08:52 AM                        Rated G Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming: 1: Whenever your wrong - Admit it. 2: Whenever your right - Shut up.  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 04-16-2007 12:12 PM                        Rated PG One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question, and as he turned to answerher, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing. Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?" The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law."  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 04-17-2007 02:44 PM                        Rated PG.... For his birthday, little Johnny asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it." The next day the father saw little Johnny heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" Little Johnny replied, "I was walking past your bedroom last night and heard you telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no bike."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-20-2007 12:14 PM                        Rated G Lorraine Just after we returned from our honeymoon, my husband decided to get our affairs in order. I realized married life would take some getting used to when I overheard him on the phone. "Hi," he said, "I just got married, and I'd like to put my girlfriend on my insurance."  |  IP: Logged

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